| 2010-08-23 11:45:15 ET |
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I think it's getting to be time to fuck off and drive across the country. Maybe I don't even have to do it destructively, by getting fired just to be free. I've got a co-worker again, currently doing part-time, who might be glad for some hours. We've seemingly started to get caught up a bit. If I can get out for a while, maybe I can save my mind.
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| 2010-08-10 12:05:52 ET |
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I just had a pretty bizarre dream.
I was going about life as usual, and stumbled upon some information that didn't make sense. My mother helped me process it, though. She finally told me, after almost 26 years, that she died before she could deliver me, and that we were both recreated inside a simulation, and were both artificial intelligences. I only found out because the virtual environment used the Internet directly as an information source with which to recreate the real world, and so any time I wanted to use the Internet, I was accessing it directly.
So my character perspective then shifted. I was an unnamed character played by Walter Koenig (Chekov from Star Trek), the son of an unnamed character played by Charlie Sheen, in a similar situation to the first, an artificial son living in a simulation of the real world. Upon finding out, my Sheenfather gave me some instructions that were morally objectionable, versus how I was coded. As one of the dead being simulated, my code was of greater priority somehow than the code driving the rest of the world, so other artificial intelligences would reconcile lies I could tell them by changing their beliefs to suit what I was telling them. So, rather than executing my father's instructions, I told my brother to do it, in a roundabout way that would produce results other than what my father wanted, in order to undermine his plans. I pretended also that random bizarre gestures were common social interaction, just to see if my simulated brother would go along with it, and he did (that's how I knew I could do all that stuff). So I was defying the simulation's reality. My father was annoyed. He started to try to correct me, but my character perspective shifted to that of an unnamed character played by Kate Beckinsale for whatever reason, who gave The Sheenfather a speech about truth and justice and fighting off the invisible hand of the Illuminati.
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| Pillars 2010-08-02 21:10:25 ET |
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I've been thinking about how to improve life (mine, first, and then I can use it as a model for improving that of others; I'm not likely the only person that has my type of problems). It sucks shit, frankly, but logically I can believe that it could improve somehow. It looks like there is no shortage of problems to solve, though, so it's hard to address anything in particular. There must be some way to prioritize, I think, but right now, what happens is I can't address A because of prerequisite B, and can't address B because of prerequisite C, and then can't address C because of prerequisite A.
So, the priority piece in any construct is the basic model of what it should look like. A plan for an end, not necessarily a plan describing all the details in between. A rough draft. It's hard to imagine. I need to work at it.
Then there has to be a foundation. The problem with this is that while buildings can be built on a slab, it's not true that in life there is just one key piece that is the underpinning. You take one crucial piece away to shore up another crucial piece, and you find out your structure is failing where you took that other crucial piece away. So what we have here isn't a foundation, but a set of pillars.
I've got to come to understand the pillars, to enumerate all of them, and understand how to build them up. I wish that my upbringing had been a solid enough foothold to start from. Maybe I was given too much. Maybe I was given too little. Maybe the way children are raised in this country is completely misguided.
More on that: http://www.ted.com/talks/burt_rutan_sees_the_future_of_space.html
This man points out that the rate of innovation in this country has stagnated, and now, nothing inspires us. I feel that way myself. Lacking in inspiration. Building the pillars can be a pointless thing without this. Anyway, if our society can't inspire future generations, that, to me, is another pillar that is being taken away from them (and that had already been taken away from me and my generation).
Going back a few steps, that inspiring innovation and bold impulse to explore and learn is what inspires the imagination to figure out what direction one might take with one's life. It seems to me that, for a lot of us, we have what we have, we are where we are, and we can't imagine anything better, but only fear losing what we have. So we are focused on maintaining a status quo, whether we realize it or not. Fulfilling the need here is what will help me figure out that aforementioned framework, rough draft, basic direction for living.
What to do?
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