The sound of white
2010-06-28 18:31:00 ET

I saw Jake today. It was like seeing a ghost. He was 50 feet away from me but I felt like I couldn't even yell, like he wouldn't hear me. There was a wall there. He's not the boy who was my friend, who was my boyfriend, who I wanted to marry. And the saddest things I've ever come to realize in my life.

To look at him he's changed. I really didn't feel like I was looking at the boy I've known since I was 17...who was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy to tell me he loved and the first boy I loved.

He was a stranger to me today. In 6 years I've never felt that around him. We've always gravitated to each other. Not today. He wasn't someone I care about today. He was just a guy on a bike at a red light.

I cried for about 20 minutes...and babbled to my best friend trying to explain myself.

I guess it's like some part of my brain convinced me Jake didn't exist anymore after he hurt me. So seeing him today was almost surreal. I still can't believe I saw him today after 6 months of running around this city and never seeing him.

Plus I haven't been able to talk to Matt for a few days. He moved into a new apartment and doesn't have internet yet. Ugh. I could really use his skype company right now. :/

I hope this week improves...

2010-06-28 19:36:57 ET

Always around if you need a chat.

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