2010-06-28 18:31:00 ET|
I saw Jake today. It was like seeing a ghost. He was 50 feet away from me but I felt like I couldn't even yell, like he wouldn't hear me. There was a wall there. He's not the boy who was my friend, who was my boyfriend, who I wanted to marry. And THAT...is the saddest things I've ever come to realize in my life.
To look at him he's changed. I really didn't feel like I was looking at the boy I've known since I was 17...who was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy to tell me he loved and the first boy I loved.
He was a stranger to me today. In 6 years I've never felt that around him. We've always gravitated to each other. Not today. He wasn't someone I care about today. He was just a guy on a bike at a red light.
I cried for about 20 minutes...and babbled to my best friend trying to explain myself.
I guess it's like some part of my brain convinced me Jake didn't exist anymore after he hurt me. So seeing him today was almost surreal. I still can't believe I saw him today after 6 months of running around this city and never seeing him.
Plus I haven't been able to talk to Matt for a few days. He moved into a new apartment and doesn't have internet yet. Ugh. I could really use his skype company right now. :/
I hope this week improves...