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2004-01-30 08:37:06 ET Damn I'm 19 and I still live with my parents. It's not that I couldn't figure out how to live on my own I've done and tried. It's just that much easier to stay here. But it's no longer becoming that way I come to blows with my little bro my older bro just annoys the piss outta me. And my parents theyre in their own category. Nobody here actually takes me seriously, that was made painfully obvious by my closest friends here. If thats not bad enough I've only got 4 good friends in Missoula. My two bestest friends in the world both decided to move away and leave me in this hell hole, sigh. I get laughed at almost everytime I ask a girl out on a date. I mean what the hell do I do to get laughed at honestly? One girl that I absolutely fell in love with I had to let go. She wasn't into the shit I was and she was soooo innocent I couldn't possibly keep her and not have some of me rub off on to that girl and possibly fuck up her life, that hurt a lot. My other interest, well is so far fetched that theres no way in hell that I would ever have a chance with her, yet I talk to her almost all night praying that she would come here and spend just one night with me even, I'd be so content just to hold her all night, god thats pathetic. I've known I've had wierd psycological disorders for a long time now and I thought They all went away with the medication that I stopped taking but my schizo tendencies are coming back. Lightly, but coming back none the less. That is horridly frustrating cuz they just happen to be subtle nuisances as of late. All I really do now is stare at my knife that sits on my desk. Wondering if I really have the balls to quit and go onto something unknown. It wouldn't be that hard to fix my problems with that blade my eyes would turn from that deep gash up to the mirror just to watch it all slip away. But you know what? I really have no reason to but I fucking like it that way. Have I strove to make myself the isolated tweaker I am right now? MMMMM to many things to consider but I get to trudge on in this mortal coil sitll wondering when and where and if it will ever end... |
