It just hurts now, nothing else
2004-02-09 07:10:44 ET

Well I've been up for the better part of the week. With maybe about 7-10 hours of sleep total. But thats nothing. I was talking to some people that used to be my friends in school. It was Saturday night they were over and I got a call yesterday from one of them because she was absolutely worried about me. That was the night I had the dramamine trip. Apparently for the part of the night she was there I was hiding in the corner ranting about something to myself and hysteric. Unfortunately I remember that part of it. She asked me if I was actually serious when I first told her I had some schizophrenic tendencies. I just sat there in disbelief. Is it just me? Do I give off the intent that I am a liar? I then continued to ask why someone would lie about that. Her only response was that some people thought I was lying about that particular tidbit, and they just happened to be friends with her and she believed them. Now I wonder how many people think I've been living a fucking lie. I'm not and never have, I don't speak to people so they don't find this shit out but she was one of my best friends for about 5 years. Last night was the first time I can remember that I sat awake at night and actually started to cry. I don't know what to do apparently nobody believes shit that I say and to find that out. I desperately need out of this town. I am taking a road trip somewhere withing about a year. I know I will make it to my destination and I will leave there, but I'm no longer sure I want to come back here or start over somewhere new. It's time to think about quiting everything.

Damnit I'm having a really hard time lately and I shouldn't be. My manic moods are coming back and theyre becoming very uncontrollable. I'm done with my rant

2004-02-09 07:16:55 ET

It sucks when people are like that. It's because they can't grasp the fact that you're "different" I use that just for lack of a better term/word right now. I have that problem all the time. And it sucks.

2004-02-09 07:25:51 ET

I'm mainly hurt because people I had known my entire life, and I trusted entirely, thought I would lie to them. Some people thought it was for attention. I dunno one of my friends asked what all the pills in my medicine cabinet were for. I told him sarcastically they were for gettin high. Needless to say he believed me on that one (especially since I gave up all pills a while ago) and he did find out but I'm not sure what he thought. He picked them up and read what they were for, he was one of the people that didn't believe me. I think it shocked him that I wasn't lying about it

2004-02-09 07:27:28 ET

I understand completely. My step=father is a very abusive person. And all throughout my childhood, including my own family, people thought I was making it up and doing the things to myself for attention. It took a judge court ordering me to go live at a children's home before people really believed me.

2004-02-09 07:38:09 ET

Why are people so shallow they wont give you the benefit of the doubt untill its almost too late? About a year ago I talked to a friend, actually my girlfriend, about a problem that I had with cutting myself. She humored me for a few months. It wasn't until about the time we started to have a physical relationship and she had taken off my shirt for the first time that she felt my left upper arm. It was and still is covered in scars.

I'm sorry to hear your own family never believed you. My 5 friends are my family. My biological family, I can't connect with and they refuse to see my point of view on anything. They blindly argued with me all the time without once putting some logical reasoning behind everything. Fools.

It's time for me to work. Ummm thanks for hearing me out nobody does anymore and it feels good to talk.

2004-02-09 11:39:36 ET

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time :(.
You are always welcome here if you need to get the fuck out of Montana.
You know you can talk to me anytime.
I know more than people give me credit for.
I'd like to be some sort of help to you...

Check your email mofo.
I got a new email adress, so it might have sent my message to your junk mail folder or something.

2004-02-10 08:48:21 ET

hmmmm it did go to my junk mail...

I dunno honestly my weekend scared the fuck out of me. Yea I'd definitely like to go down there sometime. soon. I hope anyways we will have to see how business goes. For now I'm just gonna brood here for a while.

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