Life at it's purest is departing...
2003-09-30 10:54:42 ET

My great-grandfather is dying. He is not eating, not drinking... nothing... he wants to die and I am angry at him. I am angry that he is choosing to depart rather than continuing in this life. I hate the fact that I'm in Texas and he's in Illinois and I can't go see him in his last few days. I hate the fact that I never asked him more about his life... that I never hugged him more... that I never told him I loved him more... that while he is dying I'm here in College Station in classes. That when he needs me the most I am not there. I hate myself and I hate my selfishness. He's 98 years old but for some reason I want him to deal with his pain and wait til I get to see him once again... I hate myself for that. I should be happy that he's going to a better place. And I know that he's going to Heaven because he is the epitome of everything that I want to have and the epitome of goodness and pure love... and just a beautiful human being. No matter if you think there is no God he is my sole reason for believing that there is a heaven because no one like him should ever have to spend eternity anywhere else. I love him so much and I am so incredibly sad you cannot believe... I heard from my mom about all this and just started writing and wrote this song in the last 10 minutes trying not to cry because I am a man and I am not supposed to and I hate myself for not remembering what he looks like right now... I know the conversations we had but no matter how hard I think I cannot remember the color of his eyes or his smile or anything... I hate myself.

2003-09-30 10:59:23 ET

you shouldnt hate yourself at all. im sure that if you could you'd be there.

2003-09-30 11:01:34 ET

but how can i sit here and say that i am a good person and i can't even remember what he looks like... i can't even begin to tell you how sad that makes me.

2003-09-30 11:13:41 ET

*hugs* i know how it is to lose someone so incredable....if you never need someone to listen i'd be happy to

2003-09-30 11:19:33 ET

its one thing if you didnt make the effort to know him. its one thing if you deliberately refuse and feel nothing towards him and you obviously have some sort of feeling or else you wouldnt be feeling bad. it doesnt make you a bad person or a good person it makes you a person with feelings and stuck in a situation you cant change.

2003-09-30 22:34:23 ET

it's so sad thinking about him in pain...

2003-10-01 14:42:11 ET


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