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2003-09-30 10:54:42 ET My great-grandfather is dying. He is not eating, not drinking... nothing... he wants to die and I am angry at him. I am angry that he is choosing to depart rather than continuing in this life. I hate the fact that I'm in Texas and he's in Illinois and I can't go see him in his last few days. I hate the fact that I never asked him more about his life... that I never hugged him more... that I never told him I loved him more... that while he is dying I'm here in College Station in classes. That when he needs me the most I am not there. I hate myself and I hate my selfishness. He's 98 years old but for some reason I want him to deal with his pain and wait til I get to see him once again... I hate myself for that. I should be happy that he's going to a better place. And I know that he's going to Heaven because he is the epitome of everything that I want to have and the epitome of goodness and pure love... and just a beautiful human being. No matter if you think there is no God he is my sole reason for believing that there is a heaven because no one like him should ever have to spend eternity anywhere else. I love him so much and I am so incredibly sad you cannot believe... I heard from my mom about all this and just started writing and wrote this song in the last 10 minutes trying not to cry because I am a man and I am not supposed to and I hate myself for not remembering what he looks like right now... I know the conversations we had but no matter how hard I think I cannot remember the color of his eyes or his smile or anything... I hate myself. |
