Well I decided to watch a John Cusack film tonight and chose the great High Fidelity and just had a blast rediscovering all that is great about that movie before I went and studied for my Accounting Test that I have tomorrow at 9:00am.
I have chosen a great quote from that movie that really speaks to me right now...
"I'm tired of the fantasy because it doesn't really exist and there never really are any suprises and it never really..."
"...Delivers...right... and I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you."
That's funny cuz everytime I watch this movie it makes me less and less happy with the way that I push myself to succeed. All I want to do is live simply... love simply... and die simply. But it seems to more dreams I have to more complicated my "simple" life becomes. But it's not like you can just switch on and off the complications like a lightswitch... there's just too many switches to handle and I am left lying on the ground wondering whether or not I can find the fuse box so I can just turn all these damn lights off...
But then I see this one light... it's flickering and sparking... on the verge of dying... and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The way the lightbulb contrasts with the other lightbulbs and the flashes against the walls... it's incredible and I just stare at it wondering "when will it go out?" and "whether or not 'when' really matters and just 'how'?"
And when it goes out I stare at the dusty insides for a while trying to figure out "why did this one went out before the others?" and "which one is next?"... and before I can answer these questions another begins to go out and I totally lose focuz and move on down the line to the before mentioned bulb.
It's a viscious cycle... I think it all means that I want to focus on one aspect of my life to make it simpler but I enjoy the chaos so much more.
And until I can honestly say that I'm ready... I don't want to imagine simplicity.
NOT THAT I'M SAYING THAT MARRIAGE IS SIMPLE. Just that I want to take on each moment one at a time... rather than skip some moments and move straight to the marriage one.