This is my journal entry...
2005-01-29 12:17:21 ET

Do you ever have those moments when you question your true intentions? Your true desire in various environments like life, relationships, etc.? What would be our real needs and wants if we had no one to answer to? No one to make us feel guilty about being selfish... wouldn't that be something. To express what you really want. I don't know about you all but I would definitely not be where I am now with the people I am with now.

But is that a good thing to know? To understand that if you didn't have to be someplace in your life you wouldn't be there at all... it kind of trivializes your past existence in a way saying that it wasn't your choice and wasn't what you wanted...

Interesting. Well my friend Brian out of the blue started talking to me and it resulted in us getting pretty drunk and dancing to loud rap music blaring from his new system in his Tahoe at 1:45 in the morning with the hot girls accross the street laughing at us. But anyways... I woke up on his couch and was thinking about that first part.

"Am I where I want to be... No... then where do you want to be..." and then nothing. That sucks that my drives and desires are so insignificant that not even my subconscious wants to admit them.

Oh... I started writing a book and it's going pretty well. Nowhere close to being finished but I do have a path I want to follow for it and strategy for the layout. I have a couple parts finished but it's going to require two bottles of red wine, a large cheese pizza and some Postal Service for me to really try and make a stab at getting some significant writing down.

2005-01-29 12:22:33 ET

mmm postal service is good.

and inebriated dancing is awesome.

2005-01-29 12:30:14 ET

yeah... i think i would have the best time in my life dancing with my friends to postal service and drinking cheap red wine.

2005-01-29 12:31:13 ET

that does sound like a highly enjoyable time. I think I'd dance to head automatica over the postal service though.

2005-01-29 17:20:50 ET

Or rather than the observation trivializing your past experiences, maybe the past experiences lead you to this observation (which is a pretty important one, if you ask me). Everything in our past can teach us, and that has intrinsic value.

And yes, I think it is a good thing to know that if you didn't have to be someplace, you wouldn't be there at all. Because then you can ask yourself why, and then you can start to figure out what you really want. Because figuring out what you DON'T want is a good step in the right direction. And discontent is usually a good indicator that you should be doing something else. That's why I'm done with school after this term.

And also? Your inner drives and desires are not insignificant. Your inner drives and desires, the TRUE ones, are the most important drives and desires you will ever have in your life. What you should watch out for is your "subconscious," the "human" in you is what tells you your desires are stupid. It's the inner voice, not the head-voice but the heart-voice that you can trust. I mean...I don't have any scientific studies or public movements to prove what I'm saying...but please trust me on this. The inner heart-voice is the one you listen to.

2005-01-30 17:07:25 ET

hahaha... I guess if I wasn't drunk I'd dance to Head Automatica... but The Postal Service is just a good band to get drunk to.

Neko... you have to have some sort of degree or certification in therapy... there's no way you can write like that and not. Please publish something so I can buy it.

2005-01-31 09:53:22 ET

Nooo I'm not a certified psychiatrist and you know it. But I do wonder, every time I say something to you, if I'm being pushy or bossy or nosy or anything of the sort. Please tell me if I am, and I will be happy to keep more of my opinions to myself (honestly). ^^

Other than that, I don't plan to write a book, but it might happen some day. If I do and I still know where to find you, I'll be sure to let you know (and trust me, you won't have to buy it. I'll make a "people who get free copies of my book" list, and put you on it). ^^

And also...aside from sincerely not wanting to push my thoughts or ideas onto you, I want you to feel better. I know you can (it's just one of those things you "know" sometimes, savvy? ^^'), because I get the strong and unsolicited feeling that you and I are pretty similar...and I am certainly functioning better than I used to and handling life better than I used to (better with each day, even!) and I have a very good feeling that you can too. So if you're ever looking for any resources...reading material, websites, concepts...whatever, let me know and I'll tell you if I can recommend anything. Plus, if you ever want any help...I'm pretty sure you know where to find me. ^_^


Also! What is your book on? ^^

2005-01-31 14:53:37 ET

Once again... how do you write like that!?!?!

You need to teach online classes on "Informative Online Posting 101" and "Empathy 303 : It is possible, trust me."

I am trying really hard but with all this money that is being spent and all these classes I am taking and with this stupid crush that I am having... I can't seem to find the time to relax. I listen to so much chill music everyday and it works... but just not as well as I'd like.

Thank you... but I will still buy the book just to help it stay on the best seller lists.

Hahaha... I will think about it and then tell you someday.

2005-01-31 15:46:39 ET

maybe you should try meditating or something... not to sound all new wave or existential or whatev, but I've found that just taking a few minutes whereever I could and concentrating on not concentrating helps me out a lot.

2005-02-01 18:57:58 ET

Ah haaaa you're going to keep me in suspence, eh, you crafty fellow? -.O *nudge nudge*

...That's ok, I can live with suspence. I heard once that "anticipation is the purest form of pleasure, and the most reliable." I like that saying.

And you know...roots brings up a good point, m'friend. Meditation works miracles. ...Actually...I mean that literally. ^^'

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