2004-02-14 19:43:19 ET

I hate Valentine's Day.

I work at a major shopping center in Long Beach, a place I so adoringly title "little Orange County." It's where cunts from all walks of life go and spend money and break shit and flatulate and be obnoxious and get flustered 'cause it's so damn difficult to find parking for their enormous Hummers and Escalades and all that tank-vehicle shit. It's annoying but also very funny...funny in a way like it's funny to watch a little dog try to fuck a big dog. Or annoying like it's annoying to hear cats fuck at 4:37 am. Choose whichever 'fuck' you like more.

Valentine's Day makes the 'annoying' far worse and the 'funny' far less.

If a young Audrey Hepburn was my girlfriend, then I think I could find a way to quell this seething animosity towards Valentine's Day. Seeing as how that is 100% impossible, I'm afraid I shall hate the 14th of February for the rest of my life.

Fuck you St. Valentine. Fuck you Hallmark. And while I'm at it, fuck you Charlie Brown.

2004-02-14 19:58:43 ET

Nothing is ever 100% impossible; be aware of that.

Also, the final comment got me. Thanks for making my night.

2004-02-14 20:03:07 ET

I know, but I'm not really into the concept of digging up her dead corpse and trying to have a relationship with it. That's like going 'ALL THE WAY!'

Yo, you're welcome.

2004-02-14 20:14:20 ET

Mind you: a young Audrey Hepburn.

If you were to dig such a gal up, you'd only find an elder Audrey and thus be unsuccessful which, I might say, leads one to take into account the hypothetical.

2004-02-15 07:19:41 ET

Here's to hallmark holidays that force people to put up contrived fronts of affection out of a sense of guilt.


2004-02-15 21:02:18 ET

it's funny picturing you in the doing the dirty-"funny" sense of "fuck" to screaming cats at 4:37 a.m. right at the second you transformed into a dog from thinking about younger versions Audrey. Then you go out to dig for her bones after much "funny" "fuck"s, not for the sake of a "scary" fuck, but for the sake of doing the newly adapted dog personality.

I am surprised that I remember it was 4:37 a.m. that you mentioned. It's just a very natually received number.

I am surprised that it doesn't take any alternative influences for me to think like this. I wonder how I'd think and talk if I am high.

I am scaring myself. You should mention Audrey less in benefit of crazy holligans like me.

2004-02-16 15:12:35 ET

cats only ever seem to fuck in the wee hours of the morning.

2004-02-16 18:05:12 ET

outside your window, on nights when you're having trouble sleeping, and they screech loudly enough to shatter eardrums.

2004-02-17 19:15:00 ET

Fucking to the sound of cats fucking...hmmm...that's kinda hot. Kinda wierd though. Wierd like it'd be wierd to fuck to an Elvis song, or, like, having sex in a dog house at your parents house while it's snowing and everything is super-cold. I don't know...let me know ANTONY. I'm more than interested in everything you got to say. You articulate nonesense in the most beautiful fashion.

Well, as far as this whole Valentine's bullshit, fuck. That shit can go kill itself. It's cool though, 'cause, like, we'z in a time where culture is forgetting all of its traditional practices, at least in the American portion of the world. Soon our only traditions will be the SUPERBOWL and the annual SIMPSONS HOLLOWEEN SPECIAL. I mean, is there room any room for complaint, dude? Oh, I mean, Bro?

2004-02-17 19:21:46 ET

you mean those people running around on the field with a giant cup and tight asses aren't Gods? WTF!!! I NEED TO LIVE YOU KNOW!!! Wait...what's a quarterback?

Well now that you gave me an idea: having sex in a dog house in the freezing cold doesn't sound bad.

Interested in this idea? I am in dire need of a male volunteer.
Actually, I'll drive them up to snow.

"I welcome you to the next project. I have this neat idea where I have you in red washable body paints (with nothing on) and with you rolling around in the 40 centermeters of snow we have out there......with the red running all over the snow. I doubt any photographer have had THAT idea done with a male...or there are just no models who are willing."

Please apply within.

2004-02-29 15:37:19 ET

you shouldnt hate on charlie. he was probably alone on vday likeyou were,2

2004-03-03 16:21:52 ET

poor peanut characters. They'll never grow tall enough to let us see the rest of his family's faces.

And they'll forever look like the nutheads they are.
I wonder if it was part of his decisions to leave spaces for Charlie Brown's anatomy to have little puttie organs down there.

2004-03-03 18:02:45 ET

I don't know. Yo, I like some of the cartoons, but the Peanuts comic strip makes me want to stab my eyes out with a plastic fork.

What all do you mean by "little puttie organs?" Kinda fucked up when a dog has essentially the same body type as you. That'd fucking scare me to death.

2004-03-03 18:35:22 ET

I never said it was meant to be adorable.
neither did the character designer.

2004-03-03 19:35:46 ET

I don't mind the character design of the Peanuts crew. I think they definately have their own special quality. I hate the lame-ass antics. Maybe I'd think it's funny if I was a kid back in '62.

Doesn't matter anyways, 'cause I think that Marmaduke comic is the nastiest fucking comic strip in the world. It looks and smells like shit. You know which comic I'm talking 'bout? Looks like whoever draws that shit isn't creative unless they're totally drunk. That shit looks retarded-sloopy.

2004-03-03 19:56:26 ET

I didn't grow up on this continent most unfortunately. I grew up with old master Q characters and Doraemon, if you know what they are.

1962 Old Master Q:

2004-03-04 07:20:07 ET

We have SO many of those comic books.. that poor little old guy.

2004-03-04 07:54:43 ET

you have old master q?

2004-03-04 08:08:30 ET

They're Derek's.. but yeah, we have tons of them.

2004-03-04 11:45:17 ET

cool. Ah...things we live with......It's more international than I thought.

2004-03-04 12:01:24 ET

Well, Derek is Chinese.. I've "read" them by default of living with him.

2004-03-04 17:49:59 ET


2004-03-04 17:57:11 ET

that explains it, hmm? :)

2004-03-05 05:03:09 ET

indeed. Do you get the comics though? I mean it's really not that funny in canadian context I always thought.

2004-03-05 05:54:44 ET

umm.. yeah.. I 'get' them. :P I don't find typical north american humour to be all that funny.. I much prefer British and other Euro styles that are.. less blatant. Much more subtle and intelligent.

2004-03-05 06:50:18 ET

I still don't get why they'd come up with "why did the chicken cross the road" joke. It's not funny on all levels, but if they insists. *shrug*

2004-03-05 06:51:08 ET

who knows?

2004-03-09 09:56:13 ET

I love Master Q! One time when I was inside a Subway sandwich place in Hollywood, I looked over and saw a chinese graphic novel. So I picked it up and started reading and I totally died from laughter! That shit is so funny! I was blown away when I checked out more info on Master Q. I had no idea that Master Q was so big worldwide. I love it so much!

Oh shit, you gotta check this comic out:

2004-03-09 18:32:21 ET


yes, Mr. A., yes.

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