Cops...what a bunch of CUNTS!
2005-05-10 14:58:33 ET

Cops are so fucking lame. "Gee, why would you say something so obtuse, unreasonable and out of line Daniel?" Well, let me tell you...

Yesterday, I was riding Josh's bike down 7th, here in the wonderful city of Long Beach, around 11:00am. Luckily, I left my methamphetemines at home, 'cause, sure enough, the cops apprehended me!

Spread eagle, with my hands behind my back, the cop searched all of my belongings as he tightly clenched my interwoven fingers and bent me backwards (luckily I have a solid six-pack, otherwise my abs would've given out!). In broad daylight, I wondered, as any rational, non-illegal-narcotics-bearing human would, "WHY THE FUCK AM I BEING APPREHENDED?"

The answer: I was riding my bike on the sidewalk in the opposite direction of traffic. DAMN! I NEVER THOUGHT THEY'D CATCH ME!

I, not knowing (or giving a fuck) that riding your bike on the sidewalk in the day time was such an offensive illegal activity, was pissed off, as did show by my "attitude-problem" and "arrogance." The cop assured me that he could give me a ticket well in excess of $1,000! You may be inclined to ask how he could've possibly contrived such an expensive ticket. Well, I was clearly in violation of many things, including, but limited to, not having my bike licensed, as well as NOT HAVING A FUCKING BELL ON MY BIKE! Perhaps the cop thought I was a 7-year-old girl.

Eventually, he let me go, but not before telling me that cops in the area often pull people over who ride bikes. He said they like to search people at random to see if they have meth or pot. And then he was kind enough to lend me some wisdom: He advised that, if I do have some pot, to get home quickly! And if I want to smoke some pot, to make sure that I do it in my home, and not on the street.

THANKS COP! Sound advice!

How many car stereos do you think got stolen within that dreadful 20 minutes? How many women enjoyed knuckle-sandwiches from their abusive spouses? How many drug transactions went down on the streets? And they're worried about a honky riding a busted-ass mountain bike on the sidewalk? Um, this is LONG BEACH, not fucking LAGUNA BEACH!!!

Cops are so full of shit. Anyone who disagrees with me is also full of shit.

2005-05-11 15:45:34 ET

that's some shit.

2005-05-12 08:01:28 ET

COPS are fucking jackasses, fo reals.
But the PO-LICE, that's a different story.
When COPS are on the scene, it sucks. They are undoubtedly performing some apprehension or accostment that is motivated by quota fulfillment or bordom.
For example, the COPS pulled my friend and I over in Fairfield, CA a few weeks back. He was driving. We weren't speeding or being reckless. So we pulled over and the cop took about twelve hours to approch our car. He came up on the passanger side. He said something like, "Hi, how are you guys tonight?" Some patronizing shit like that. He also looked to be about 16 years old. He asked my friend, Christopher, some question like, "So what's up with your driving?" Christopher answered with an indignant, "Yes, I was driving" which made me know instantly this wasn't going to go anywhere good. The COP than says, "How much have you guys been drinking?" The glance that we exchanged with each other was worthy of all kinds of !boing! sounds normally associated with cartoons and shitty old sitcoms. The irony is, normally the both of us live in a status of consistant inhebriation, but at this moment, we were utterly, unequivicably sober. The COP accused us of swerving.
We explaned to the 'officer' that we had just come from a show in Walnut Creek we were doing, don't know the area that well. He said, well, I understand not knowing where you are, but you were swerving in and out of this and that. Again we exchanged a look that could be published into the Encyclopedia of Dumbfoundedness. The COP than took Christopher's licence, registration, all that shit. We sat there for another twelve hours, discussing the situation. Right about at the moment that I LITERALLY said, "It's like we're in a modern version of 'The Trial,'" the COP comes back and asks Christopher to step out of the car. OH, I forgot: before the COP even left with the licence and registration, there was an exchange bewteen him and Christopher that went something like this, about three times:
" I haven't been drinking. I will take a breathalizer; it's fine with me."
"No, I don't want you to do that, I just want to keep you safe and everybody else on the road safe."
Some shit like that. That happened about three times.
So the COP comes back, asks him to step out of the car. I was like, "Oh fuck: he's going to get arrested." Mind you, we are about an hour away from where both of us live, about 2 minutes away from where we were headed to. It's like, midnight, and we just worked all day and did a play that is like pure activity.
So the COP proceeds to give Christopher a battery of coordination tests, or some shit like that. But they were totally bizarre, new-wave shizzes, like "Look at your foot and count to thirty with it held out in front of you." Also, it was like windy and cold, and right at the beginning Christopher said, "Can I get a jacket before we start this?" And the COP said, "It will just be a couple minutes."
More like 15 minutes, asshole!
Not only were the tests all random, but the fucking 5 grader douche bag COP kept contradicting himself. Hell, monks could have been arrested for a DUI with this jackass on the scene.
ALSO, there was another guy there: he was older, and in plain clothes. Hmmmm....older guy, looks tough, plain clothes....OH, HE IS THE SENIOR COP! Low and behold, we figured it out: TRAINING DAY.
So after about ten thousand hours of this nonsense, we're on our merry way. At this point, Chrisopher was so mad he seriously was primed to commit a real crime. Good job, COP. Basically we went through the same conversation as Daniel just said in his story: think of all the women being raped, the stores being robbed, the babies being beaten, the chldren being neglected, the car accidents, the drug deals, the assults, the injuries, ALL of the things that were happening while this COP was accosting two young people who hadn't had on millaliter of alcohol all day.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are the PO-LICE.
As you may or may not know, I currently live in Oakland. About a week and a half ago, Willis and I had a supreamly intense conversation regarding our broken engadgement. At the climax of the depressing intensity, someone shot a machine gun right outside our house.
A machine gun.
Three times in a row.
We paused for a few moments and then I said, "Was that a machine gun?"
Then Willis watched through our bathroom window, I joined soon after.
We heard no scream, no cry, just a weird sounding sort of yell from someone who sounded wasted or on crack. Probabley both.
A couple minutes later, the PO-LICE rolled up with their spot light, lookin' for the perp.
And that's the difference. The COPS waste time on BS and nonsense while people are out getting killed. The PO-LICE raise up when someone shoots automatic assult guns in residential areas.

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