Internal Dialogue
2002-09-26 23:38:14 ET

Tarot readings always get to me. My very good friend Vanessa gave me a reading over the phone tonight. It, of course, lead to the exploration of internal activity within me.

I feel as though everything is within my grasp. Everything I want is feasible. I don't say this in a universal sense that 'anyone can have anything if they set their minds to it.' I mean that, in terms of ideas and output, as well as perspective, I suit myself well enough that I, personaly, feel there aren't many things that I would want that I couldn't achieve.

However, there's this dilema. It is a layer, a sort of internal barrier, but something that feels invisible, so much so that I never think about it. It exists within my life unnoticed, though it seems to touch upon everything that I encounter.

My life is good and I am headed forward in the direction that I want to go in. My friends are so excellent to me, and to each other as I am to them, with intention and love. I have this real support that I can rely upon. Everything else is a matter of execution.

A thing about me is that I don't stop. I don't feel comfortable stopping. I think and do constantly. My friend proposed that this is an anxiety prompted by the lack of internal connection that I allow for myself. She suggested that I stop for a little while each day, establishing a routine involving letting the mind freeflow, like meditation without the ritual. Letting thoughts come and go. I get that type of thing when I'm walking down the street, or checking the sunset, or even looking at art, but I never turn it inwards and let my personal thoughts roam free of analyzation. I think I need to look into this.

Then she also said that I should take some pills, like St. John's Wort, or something to get the balance going. Vanessa has known me for over 7 years, so I listen to her and trust her completely.

I don't know. This is a long post, but this really is something that I need to work through. I feel at the brink of something totally wonderful. I need internal dialogue to let it go with all confidence.


2002-09-27 03:16:57 ET

Every tarot reading always leads to family problems as it's a recurring theme...that happens to be true...I can't help but wonder about what is actually seen in the cards. Not all of it is bunk.

2002-09-28 07:28:33 ET

i have feelings like those. but fleeting ones. smething that i can't seem to grasp, i suppose.

i guess i want change because i can't stand the same thing over and over but at the same time change scares me.

and as for your friends idea for you, it sounds good. just relax. [don't do it, when you want to go to it]

p.s. this song is dirty. i never really realized it.

2002-09-30 08:07:44 ET

Eww...shoot "it" in the right direction? That is a bit graphic.

2002-09-30 18:42:20 ET

I know. I know you love it that is.

2002-10-01 03:00:12 ET

Oh come on...the more graphic the better :P

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