2002-12-08 21:40:23 ET|
I am now living in my new home with my best friend. Things are really going well. My mental state is fluid and easy-going. I feel like I can breath and relax. We've had a lot of friends over during this last week and everyone seems to really enjoy it. It's small, but it's cozy, and it's perfect for me and Josh, save for the volume levels. Can only bump it till 10:00pm. That's not too bad though. Kinda regular...sometimes regular feels okay....sometimes.
The holiday season is a bunch of wack fake consumer bullshit nothingness.
I really fucked up on Thanksgiving and got too drunk before having dinner with my folks. I really hurt my moms feelings and embarrassed my sisters. I don't feel very good about that. I hate my hometown. When I go there, I feel this intense urge to obliterate myself. It's just a depressing city in the desert of southern Cali. I worked hard to get away from that place. I don't know if I can go back on Xmas. Too much nostalgia, too many memories. I'm reminded of the Smiths song "Back to the Old House." That's exactly the feeling. Yeah...this Xmas is me, alone, with a bottle of wine, a sack of weed, and The Smiths/Moz playing at a decent volume. That sounds good. I wish I could be a better son to my parents. Oh well though...that's how my life has always been. I've never been too good with family. I've always hurt my parents in some way. I don't mean to. I don't understand, but that's okay. I feel sad when I reflect upon this state of things, but I'm okay, okay to be alone. God, that's enough.
But back to reality...yo, I got money saved for college. I can't wait. Now is the time to move shit forward. Get some shit going. I wanna flex this art shit and stretch what I can do. I'm really optimistic!
Okay, I'm really tired and I just popped a Xanax, so I'm gone in a few.
Peace to all of you. I wish you all the best.