Is Your Child A Goth?
2005-02-06 22:48:53 ET

The definitive list-Presented by St. Mary's Church:

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child.

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nail polish.
-Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.(This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism,
Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center

I do believe this may be the funniest thing I have ever read. The worst part is that the person or people responsible for writing this drivel are completely serious. And going by this list, wouldn't every teenager be a Goth? ~_^

2005-02-06 22:57:39 ET

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Expresses an interest in sex.

HAHA, that's too funny to be true.

...and I thought it was Count Chocula?
this would probably put them over the edge.

2005-02-06 23:09:38 ET

Analog: Ha! I know, I loved that one too, we should just go to our local church, wearing Count Chocula tees, and let the chaos reign! ~_^

2005-02-06 23:38:00 ET

man ... i wanna shake my head violently and spew out vile satanic foam in church, now that would be fun... but yeah ... jesus christ do those puritans have a warped view of the world or what! i dunno, mebbe someone should get them to sit through ogrish dot com and listen to something lame and evil like ... slayer... or some really bad black metal at the same time... no real purpose... i just think it would be funny.

2005-02-06 23:39:57 ET


I remember having read this a while back. No less ridiculous now...

My favorites were expression of interest in sex or Buddhism. I half expected to see "needs a haircut" added to that list.

2005-02-07 00:38:45 ET

My favorite was: -Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
Actually, there are several religion based channels on cable programming. Sigh, won't someone please think of the children?! ;p

2005-02-07 02:44:52 ET

Wow this is absolutely great. I wish someone would have interveined on my part before I was dragged down into ths world of sin and violence!!! lol

2005-02-07 02:53:43 ET

danger, danger will puritan!

2005-02-07 07:16:23 ET

plz jesus take me back :( :(

2005-02-07 21:47:40 ET

Heh, trust in me my children and you will be saved! Salvation is at hand and it will only cost you all your wordly belongings. Plus any money you may have, cause as you well know, the Church is strapped for cash!

2005-02-08 03:08:12 ET

man if i had the churchs wealth ... id totally make a giant gold statue of me ... and call it "Lord and saviour v2.0b" ... id also buy alot of slaves... maybe start a small empire of some sort, develop holy mutant superchristians and set them on the public... man that would be cool.

2005-02-08 05:15:20 ET

That would be an admission that you were in need of revision. What kind of God is that?

2005-02-08 19:51:13 ET

The god of software updating.

2005-02-08 20:12:59 ET

High version numbers still mean getting it wrong the first time. :P FAIL

2005-02-08 22:32:04 ET

lol not getting it wrong just improving ... evolution... wahahah getting better. i dont know... too baked atm to think about this.

2005-02-09 13:12:34 ET

hahaha! I believe I've read that before.

I agree with you though, they are COMPLETELY serious, and that's what makes it......sad and pathetic?

2005-02-11 22:21:45 ET

jumpin jesus on a pogo stick.. i hit 32 of those. and they say christians are kind and loving..

2005-02-11 23:04:03 ET

Maybe to them calling you "goth" is a good thing, rev? :P

2005-02-12 14:25:38 ET

i prefer 'person in black' but i suppose any compliment is a good thing.

2005-02-12 14:32:34 ET

Goth... or Target...

2005-02-12 14:34:10 ET

i only make a good target for somebody with night vision or half a brain.

2005-02-12 14:39:15 ET

mmmm ... the goth has a point rof rof rofl

2005-02-12 14:44:56 ET

old people tend to have them once in awhile.

2005-02-12 14:47:57 ET

point like combat knife?

2005-02-12 14:53:03 ET

like zatoichi... or bayonet.

2005-02-12 15:26:07 ET


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