2007-04-04 15:21:24 ET|
Face it, people, I'm an atheist but you don't have to be one to know that Jesus isn't coming back. That's right. He's up there in the clouds on his God Saucer with a spy glass getting an eyeful of fresh young college titty and he's been doing so for the past two millennia. If you were stuck up there what'd you do? But he won't fucking come down. Oh no. He's got bats to do that for him. Jesus Bats. Next time some kid pulls up along side you steals a seat on the ferry and starts preaching to you about God's love and a flaming sword ask him if he's seen the Jesus bats. Most say no. Why? They ain't true believers. They've never been taken up by bats. You know, those furry fat flying things with salivated fangs and drunk eyes. Something like a cross of a furry hippo with a diseased hummingbird. One'a'God's creatures.
Just like the Seraphim. Those fuckers are bats too. Big fucking bats. That can't fly fucking straight. That's why we call them "angels". "Angels" from the word "angles" because when you do see them they come in flying from all sorta weird directions. Real fucked up angles, yeah? And these fucks are hairier. And they've halos too so they can't turn their heads. It's like blinders on a horse - halos on hairy bat angels.
Contrary to what the Jews might tell you, there is a hell. It's in Michigan. Yes, I know it's a town. It's full of dead people too. You just have to dig far down enough. Back in ancient Jerusalem they had a saying that if you fuck yourself over God will kill you by making your donkey walk under a tree branch. That tree branch hits you on the chest, kills you, and knocks you down to Hell, Michigan.
Hades is real too. But the Greeks were more efficient so they just kept the heads of their dead in suspended animation. It's efficient if it's just heads. You don't run out of room as fast. Yeah, efficient. The Greeks were like Nazis when it came to that. They might have been B.C. Greek in their assfucking but they were early 1940's Germany in their efficiency. And "heads" comes from the word "Hades", yeah? It's all in the language, I tell you.
You might not believe any of this and I'm not going to blame you. Just remember, God's watching you go to the bathroom. And Jesus is up there staring at your tits, stroking his anatomically correct milk chocolate cock.