So worse.
2003-11-04 19:32:55 ET

Things are not going very well. I had calculated much time ago, how often did I think of suicide, suicide thoughts, like 25 thoughts per month... about a couple years ago I had many bad feelings on life and thinking in death, then for some time I started feeling better, then going down again, entered and get distracted with many stuff too so started feeling better again, then randomly feeling a bit bad and the good again but not that bad as before; just then lately since, some weeks or months ago Iíve been feeling the shit again. Every single day Iím more aware that if I were more open to people more they would reject me. I many times can on empathize with older people... I know how bitching ridiculous hypocrite I sound saying this, but me, being a youth, canít fucking stand many of my age, I Ďnaturallyí laugh more when Iím with a guy whoís like 60 years old and very funny. Then I come home and in the way or anywhere I go I see lots of bullshit youngsty bastards... I know I sound a fucking bitter old hog, but I canít stop it, I canít seem to fit anywhere, anywhere at all.

I am definitely not going very well on school, Iím starting do wonder really if I chose right the career, I chose it because I adore Math and Physics, but there are this teachers who really depress me just seeing them Ďteachingí us in a so boring and antiquated way, like if it was some elementary school teacher. I damn wish so much I could just read from a book of math and then have exams every week, maybe that way Iíd find it more interesting by my self than having those retards as teachers.
Then Iím getting very distracted because Iím all day thinking in music, so many harmony elements, chords, tunes, notes, melodies and the such, but just today I felt also disappointed: since many of the integrants who were giving classes of music are by the moment gone, the director asked me to help him giving classes. For a moment I thought: ďwow, finally he thinks Iím rather good in the violin so heís asking me to help him giving violin lessons to young studentsĒ... but and I got there he told me to take care of one girl in Saxophone and other 2 in drums, what the fuck??? I play the violin, for fuck sake! Iíll try to talk to him tomorrow to see if I can do something where I have a bit more knowledge.

2003-11-04 19:42:07 ET

I understand about the bad thoughts... sometimes they come much more often than they go. I've never gotten along with people my age either. Most of my friends are in their 30s or 40s, and I'm just fine with that. I think there's too many problems and too much stupidity with the youth of today.
Don't lose faith in school (I know I shouldn't be talking, as I'm doing it again), but you shouldn't. It's such a lovely thing that's horrible when it's gone. If it's easier, just ignore the teachers and read the books, take the tests. Sometimes that's the only way to get along until you find a decent teacher.

2003-11-04 19:53:03 ET

Thanks, I was hope to read other's journals tonight, but I'm feeling tired and sleepy. Tomorrow I'l try to spend more time here.

2003-11-04 20:00:18 ET

*hug* sleep is good for you.
Good to see you around again dear.

2003-11-05 14:04:54 ET

oh hun. things dont stay bad forever. please dont do anything horrible. *huggles*

2003-11-06 05:04:46 ET

it's strange how many have the feeling of never fitting if we are the lost piece of the puzzle that got shuffled under the couch and the rest of the puzzle is long gone....never to be found until someone moves the furniture...and how often do we really do that anyhow....

focus on your talents. it seems you have many.

2003-11-06 09:46:25 ET


2003-11-06 18:45:35 ET

I'm a puzzle piece that may fit in a few places but I'm not part of the picture.
Some weeks ago, and still to today, I've been realizing that I really don't haven talents, I just have many passions.

2003-11-06 18:46:06 ET

live your passions babe.

2003-11-06 19:04:41 ET

Too many passions will drown me in, I'll suffocate, and die.

2003-11-06 19:09:07 ET

ooooo your such an artist.

2003-11-06 19:12:14 ET

You're such a Phaery ;)

2003-11-06 19:13:07 ET

:D luv ya.

2003-11-06 19:46:42 ET

i play the violin.. and many a time have been asked to help students in other areas of music.. with time i figured out that my help was needed because of my strong musical background. {i mean, c'mon. both you and i know that the violin is the greatest instrument of all time and it takes a brain to play it ;) }
the teacher is just giving you a hidden compliment.

2003-11-06 20:04:54 ET

Yeah... I had listened him complaining a few times that he had many restless kids studying violin and he wanted help, then last Tueday he phoned me and said that I've been in the orquesta for quite a while now, I could help him giving lessons; I went there and said, take care of the drums... o_O

2003-11-06 20:12:19 ET

maybe its a test? see if you can handle different aspects of music.. maybe he is profound and wants you to have an appreciation of the drum section? or maybe he is just old and senile. either way, maybe you should talk to this teacher and ask him why he has placed you with the drums when you know nothing of them ?

2003-11-06 20:26:17 ET

Malk, you have lots of talents, trust me. It's always hard to see your own talents, because we're our own worst critic.
If you need further proof of your talent,

2003-11-07 09:12:25 ET


2003-11-12 04:48:51 ET


You rock!

2003-11-12 06:00:47 ET

*grin* You drew it.

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