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2003-11-04 19:32:55 ET
Things are not going very well. I had calculated much time ago, how often did I think of suicide, suicide thoughts, like 25 thoughts per month... about a couple years ago I had many bad feelings on life and thinking in death, then for some time I started feeling better, then going down again, entered subkulters.net and get distracted with many stuff too so started feeling better again, then randomly feeling a bit bad and the good again but not that bad as before; just then lately since, some weeks or months ago I’ve been feeling the shit again. Every single day I’m more aware that if I were more open to people more they would reject me. I many times can on empathize with older people... I know how bitching ridiculous hypocrite I sound saying this, but me, being a youth, can’t fucking stand many of my age, I ‘naturally’ laugh more when I’m with a guy who’s like 60 years old and very funny. Then I come home and in the way or anywhere I go I see lots of bullshit youngsty bastards... I know I sound a fucking bitter old hog, but I can’t stop it, I can’t seem to fit anywhere, anywhere at all.
I am definitely not going very well on school, I’m starting do wonder really if I chose right the career, I chose it because I adore Math and Physics, but there are this teachers who really depress me just seeing them ‘teaching’ us in a so boring and antiquated way, like if it was some elementary school teacher. I damn wish so much I could just read from a book of math and then have exams every week, maybe that way I’d find it more interesting by my self than having those retards as teachers.
Then I’m getting very distracted because I’m all day thinking in music, so many harmony elements, chords, tunes, notes, melodies and the such, but just today I felt also disappointed: since many of the integrants who were giving classes of music are by the moment gone, the director asked me to help him giving classes. For a moment I thought: “wow, finally he thinks I’m rather good in the violin so he’s asking me to help him giving violin lessons to young students”... but and I got there he told me to take care of one girl in Saxophone and other 2 in drums, what the fuck??? I play the violin, for fuck sake! I’ll try to talk to him tomorrow to see if I can do something where I have a bit more knowledge. |
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