Write an end to this.
2002-07-04 14:00:37 ET

12:51 pm. Iím so mutherfucking full of wrath as shit to hell. So many ideas, so many thoughts, so many reflections, so many consequences, so much pain, so much agony, so full of HATE, so sick of all, so many principles, so many bifurcations, so many paradoxes, such ironies, so many blinds, so few understandings, so little cleverness, so little maturity out there, so little ripeness in thoughts out there, so much suffocating, so much angst, ...so ALONE, so misunderstood, so fucking full of shit everywhere.

Ah, when sometimes, things seems to be nice and gentle, when weíre so blind to the real ripe philosophy of our own, that everything seems so beautifully naive, then it comes this nightmare, this cruel passion for the incoherent desire of absence. To reclaim my sadness for fucking wondering again the most potent, colossal, exhaustive and complicated philosophy ever... WHY? Which so many answers may remain in my mind, living altogether each other for patience and sickness of will. You, fucking shameless cocky bastard out there... hate will be just so little thing Iíd feel for you, hate would be only a member of my cognoscible integrity for my conscious motive. Today, today Iíve felt, again, the HATE as hard as my thoughts have gone only a few times before. Such that itís hard to describe it well understood for any simple person without redacting it with a poet in my hands. I can only say that this happening, that everyone would see as a simple fact of life, by truth determines my roads for ever ending sadness. To say that I canít believe, again, how it is that out there are still mechanic entities of energy with ostensible reasoning proclaiming themselves as human beings, whom obstruct our naively illusion of happiness.

So fucking sick of all these thoughts that I can only ask for myself in my search for empathy, for the kind embrace of theories. All this paranoia that constantly makes me suffer desiring my resolution with death; the only feasible act for the calm to my agony. I canít explain what really happened that made write this. Because when sad, my sober will for thinking goes clever and calm... but when furious, if not so sober yet clean is my will for thinking, goes so quick that so many ideas occurs to me in few laps of time, but each of them as ripe as well as the others, the problem here is as I said, that it goes so rapidly that all of them canít seem to attach to the main awareness of the prudence itself. But all of this that remains calmly in my mind when not a motor for ideas movement, becomes futile to my own will for desire, desire of anything, the apathy: the sluggishness of will to live...

3:07 pm. So, I took a nap now. Every time when I take a nap I feel cleaner of my thoughts, everythingís so calmed and relaxed. ...but Iím still angry about the thing, I canít quit thinking of this ugly bitch, of how this horrible human piece of crap said ďlook, I donít want to discuss this anymore, things are this way because it is this wayĒ. I will always damn that shit to hell. Iím serious. For the few people a truly, truly hate, I wish all my anger to them to death, I really would enjoy their death due my inner desire for eliminate their ugly faces, and I wonít regret of wishing it, not with this really complicated philosophy I have. Not now not never. I also wonít be able to smile properly or honestly for any circumstances, Iíll either have my ugly face with my pathetic angry-eyes glancing to where the fuck I want to, have my dead-apathetic face without any expression of joy at all like any other faceless machine there, or have my stupid sad wanting-to-die eyes that no one cares. So this, my unlived face, will be my only uniform to show up for a while. Maybe Iíd smile a bit disgraces of other people just to indemnify my horror of awareness, yes, to mock, maybe, of those teeny preps with their stupid believes or their disgraces that they think that hurts, yes, I will, with no regret. Because now Iíve felt so much hurt in my mind I cannot give a shit of their unripe morality and childish ethic which makes them have that dumb satisfaction of hope. Laugh at their god or believes is to premature now, is to simple and awkward, I wonít fuck with their shit that way, so donít they fuck with me now, saying ďoh, everything will be alrightĒ...I just canít stand to recognize how poor that phrase is... why do they say everything? How do they know all the facts behind? Howís it possible that they are aware of an all-understood situation? Then, why the fuck do they say it will be alright? Do they know the future? Are their minds so sophisticated to accurate the possible future movements and apply to a happy future fact? How do they know I wonít go insane, or killing someone else, or myself, or become stupid, ill, or whatever? Why are they so sure of the future? And, alright? truly, how do they know whatís alright and whatís wrong? Who in the fuck are they to assure good and evil? Another never ending theme for poor humanity again. These retards will always be wandering whatís wrong and bad. So how do they know it will be alright for me when something that might scare them will be alright for me and bad or wrong for them?

I feel like shit, I know, but this all issue have put me to think,one more time, that all this reflections wonít do any good for me if I donít have any empathy. I will then rot in my own mind even more and more every time I see more disgusting shits around me. When I took a part of this Gothic culture I do it to relieve-or-ironically-grow my pain but at least to try to unwrap the cords of my slavery; not like how I see some kindergoths out on the streets saying their angry and want to kill everyone due to their misfortune too, like if they were really the painting of how parenthood sees any rude kid out there. Meantime I use this darkness theory as a whole philosophy, something that not everyone should be claming of have, a philosophy, the main thinking of dry out one simple idea to its most complicated and endless bifurcation thought, the only subject considered as true science and art at the same time, that has been in humanity thousand years ago, a very complex stream of identifying themes for oneís self, a philosophy, not only an angsty mood for liking dead/dark subjects, a mean a real theorem of life, like all I have thought said above about only my anger and part of my suffering.

Now I wonít be able to smile properly again as I said, nothing but a neat babyís smile..., and I wonít care a shit about others that really I shouldnít care, like the coldest heart ever... yet I will still feel fond of the few ones I have no problem with and I show interest for; in deed, Iíll be even more subjective about this now, because Iíll still feel love and passion (maybe more than ever) but only for the things I choose, not for the things human morality should talk to me. So, yes, if you ask again, I have no interest on keeping my head alive in this fucked up mind. When the sickness and wrath overcomes to me, this is only a part of what I can say.

Better read with Danny Elfman - Descent Into Mystery (from Batman score)

2002-07-04 21:43:52 ET

yeah, i connect there, ive noticed alot of self acclaimed glam goths dressing to get themselves a ticket to the center of attention. Always bitching and moaning about how they are going to *kill-every-single-one-of-you* or how they are so cool because they are in a band. Big fucking deal, we have all heard it already. I can't remember back to where there werent these types (as well as others) but there probably was a time (however far back it my seem or be) that there werent so many dopplegangers behind those faces. when we were just people. plain, ordinary, regular people treated with respect like everyone else, and not a freak show. It was Back when the only tiny dispute was that goth people wore black which back then just about everyone and their dog. too bad these days were centuries back. But times change ofcourse, people get stupid.This is my culture, its every goths culture.It is a timeless culture, dating back millinea. now they desecrate it on jenny jones and oprah, telling their teens to stop being that way. and that its a sin against god to wear all black. Or you see cheap hookers imitating it down a runway fashion show. it sickens me.
Dont bother giving up hope, its already lost.
heh, do i need to say any more except that you proved yet another valaid point that thousands of people struggle with?
That point being that...
while others tend to drain your emotions (preps, jocks, whatever). they only fool themselves. simply for the fact that there are no emotions worth having in a world thats already in illrepute, over-righteousness, and self-loathing.
I say fuck them they know nothing about us as a culture. They only see the material and metal. fuck whatever they believe and fuck emotions entirely. Many great musicians, and artists, (Divinchi is a prime example here) never once married, engaged, or any of that over rated shit. Most of all he knew was lonliness, and self loathing. And Wondering why he had been put on an earth so scorched of actual culture. of actual people. except for maybe some corpses he cut up in the morgue to study anatomically, he knew nobody but his fellow teachers, and experements. and he saw them rarely. He was born alone. and he died alone with his only love being that of his art, and knowing that he contributed something to the world. that was his passion.
I guess you just have to find your life's passion before it will finally come to you.
yeah, its an ironic age that we live in I guess

2002-07-05 06:30:32 ET

Ah, Davinci. I great example of art in deed. Yes, I like him, and due to his pesronality I do like him more than Michaelangelo. The Two greats.

Anyway, I do have passion for many thing, so many things I guess, I believe that's what makes me so insane, that I can't choose a few ones, I just hunger for so many passions.

2002-07-05 10:57:55 ET

Im ny honest opinion, you can really never have too many passions.
Michaelangelo was a great, I like his work, but i have to just conclude that Davinchi, is quite frankly, GOD.

2002-07-05 15:07:28 ET

Damn, you've said almost everything I could thing to say about life and such. Yet I can't say anything for any of it to change because I'm right there in the same position.

2002-07-05 15:19:26 ET

Thanks, I suppose I need to calm down some thoughts yet.
The good thing about here sk.net is that I find people more similar to my thoughts. It really desperates me how every place I go I feel so damn lost. But here people, like you, I feel way much comfortable.

2002-07-05 15:25:01 ET

Yes, I know the feeling. No one knows how I really feel (here) at times they just think i'm being rude or something because I don't talk a lot of the times and things like that. But it is sad to think that there are people out there like yourself but you hardly ever come in contact with them.

2002-07-05 15:26:19 ET

AWW! You just said it the most accurated way I would!

2002-07-05 17:11:55 ET

Heh.. see and how far away are you from me? ..... exactly.

2002-07-08 12:43:55 ET

Imagine feeling this way at...37. I always thought I'd outgrow all those feelings of confusion and misplacement but yet...here I am, 37 years old, and I'm STILL a freak. Go figure. The only difference is that my wit is sharper and I have to be careful not to slice anyone open with it. LOL!!! :P

2002-07-08 18:50:03 ET

Yeh, well, I'd love to be sliced by your wit! : )

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