2004-07-15 00:25:34 ET|
I can’t believed how the 2 past weeks I felt some certain calm and mental rest of my usual sickened agony and constant depressions, and now this week I’ve returned, in a matter of speaking.
I feel like shit again: I can’t fucking understand why the director didn’t propose me for the “national juvenile” –It’s an orchestra that is supposed to be formed by people from 15 to 28 years old, and the convocation asks each director from the many states to propose 5 of his best students/players–, so he already proposed the 2 persons that went last year, plus 3 more, but from these other 3 persons 2 of them almost never show as most appreciation and dedication to music as I do. In the name if Shit. I fucking spent my ass in there bitching music school every fucking day, I never miss a single rehearsal nor a concert; I’m to his disposition to help him giving violin classes to the beginners, I’m for fuck sake a damn lab rat in there, and he proposed some other 2 persons that do miss to some rehearsals or concerts and don’t show as much interest for it as I do. Well, little fellows, godfuck it.
I don’t know if being really too sad or angry about this shit. I mean, if I really, really play that bad for not wanting me to be in the ‘juvenile’ thing, just fucking tell me! Perhaps I’m the very only one in the whole orchestra that literally practices every day, either in there or at home, and I fucking try to do my best, so if I’m not good at it just fucking yell it in my face instead of just being this shitty indirect of ‘not wanting’ me. Just 2 days ago, the director kind of slipped a comment about me “perhaps” being scary for other for always wearing black clothes. Please go lick a window or something; what a fuck. Now does he neither want me to give classes to little kids too? Also two weeks ago apparently there was an invitation to play somewhere, which I was not told; apparently at late time they ‘only needed’ a string quartet, but yet I wasn’t told of it. Yes, go lick a window.
Am I really so bitchass despicable? Agh... I’m truly going to loose my coherence, my mind will either collapse or explode one day. That they I wish I die in a fucking lonely corner were I belong.