Deep Drown.
2004-07-15 00:25:34 ET

4:24 a.m.

I can’t believed how the 2 past weeks I felt some certain calm and mental rest of my usual sickened agony and constant depressions, and now this week I’ve returned, in a matter of speaking.
I feel like shit again: I can’t fucking understand why the director didn’t propose me for the “national juvenile” –It’s an orchestra that is supposed to be formed by people from 15 to 28 years old, and the convocation asks each director from the many states to propose 5 of his best students/players–, so he already proposed the 2 persons that went last year, plus 3 more, but from these other 3 persons 2 of them almost never show as most appreciation and dedication to music as I do. In the name if Shit. I fucking spent my ass in there bitching music school every fucking day, I never miss a single rehearsal nor a concert; I’m to his disposition to help him giving violin classes to the beginners, I’m for fuck sake a damn lab rat in there, and he proposed some other 2 persons that do miss to some rehearsals or concerts and don’t show as much interest for it as I do. Well, little fellows, godfuck it.

I don’t know if being really too sad or angry about this shit. I mean, if I really, really play that bad for not wanting me to be in the ‘juvenile’ thing, just fucking tell me! Perhaps I’m the very only one in the whole orchestra that literally practices every day, either in there or at home, and I fucking try to do my best, so if I’m not good at it just fucking yell it in my face instead of just being this shitty indirect of ‘not wanting’ me. Just 2 days ago, the director kind of slipped a comment about me “perhaps” being scary for other for always wearing black clothes. Please go lick a window or something; what a fuck. Now does he neither want me to give classes to little kids too? Also two weeks ago apparently there was an invitation to play somewhere, which I was not told; apparently at late time they ‘only needed’ a string quartet, but yet I wasn’t told of it. Yes, go lick a window.

Am I really so bitchass despicable? Agh... I’m truly going to loose my coherence, my mind will either collapse or explode one day. That they I wish I die in a fucking lonely corner were I belong.

2004-07-15 07:16:32 ET

have you thought about asking the director why he didn't suggest you for that orchestra? you deserve an honest and straight forward answer.

and its bullshit that he said something about your appearence. i was concert master in my most 'out there' days. i would walk on stage with bright pink hair and black nails and dark makeup and people would snicker.. but they would soon realize why i was sitting first chair. so don't allow that to bother you. and if he is that much of a jerk to hold you back because you don't fit the norm, maybe its time to transfer schools. you shouldn't feel so held back in something you want to do for the rest of your life. don't allow this asshole to ruin something so beautiful.

2004-07-15 14:59:24 ET

Bitchass dispicable.
That's the best!

&Im sorry you're feeling so shitty.

2004-07-17 21:22:56 ET

vektor: I haven't aked him... I'm, in a certain way, afraid of the reason he could give me; By the way he is... I'd almost bet he would say that because the other 2 persons haven't gobe out to other concerts... (but belive me, these other concerts haven't been that good [but one] like this one would be), plus, I'd feel more justified if he had chosen by auditions.. like other oschestras do; that if I had auditioned and I didn't play well, then it's my problem, but not, he doesn't like to audition people, hence that the principal of our Violas is a girl who plays horrible but is like the best freind of the director. It's no fair I wish the where auditions to this stuf... or else it's just like if you wanted to study at a university without an admision test... ehat I mean is that I at least DO try hard to play well, and these other people dont' and they get better results... it just really gets me mad... or sad, I don't know. I've been thinking ceriously of changing to another music school (another new one with professional russina teacher) but I still don't know...

Caterpillar: heh.. I'm such a bitched ass... yet, thanks for the support. I've started drawing you but I haven't feeling very well, but I'll try to keep with it.

2004-07-17 22:00:05 ET

It's jsut funny cos bitchass is a word I use on a constant basis&it's funny to see someone else that I dont talk to regularly use it.

&Let me know when you're done. Im anxious to see the end result.

  Return to Malkavian's page