Days over days.
2004-09-10 20:58:12 ET

Today I got too depressed, just about a couple hours ago, damn depressed. Maybe one solely reason becomes many when you see it from different eyes.
Iím sick, like caught a cold or something, my head hurts.
I donít know if Iím still worth of something, maybe I just waste space in always writing the same mood of my life all over. I then should write other psychotic ideas, or insane dreams and impossible fantasies; or just a normal ďjournalĒ? What did I do today?
-I had a test at 7:00 am; at 1:00 pm they already had the results, I flunked, thank you.
-I decide to go with classmates to a pool-bar, I didnít drink because Iíve been borrowing the car and I still donít dare to drive drunk at 3:oo pm, so I only played billiard.
-At 7:00 pm went to music thing, bored, nothing new on ďtheoryĒ music, perhaps he already knows that I know too much.
-At 8:30 pm went to see a concert of the Camerata. There, at 9:30 or 10:00 pm got over depressed while having many thoughts. Came back home, then at 11:00 pm practiced the violin for an hour or so. Then took a shower, then Iím here. In the Dark.

2004-09-10 21:17:55 ET

looks like everybody is depressed today. I declare september 10th national day of depression.

2004-09-10 22:13:10 ET

i crossed the line last night. after so many years of day after day depression, i crossed from suicidal to i dont care. no one else does so why should i? do you write in a paper journal? thats what i did back when i was younger and the internet didnt exist.

2004-09-11 21:05:18 ET

Nihil: well, It's not like having depress party, but well, sometimes it's easier to hear bad thing all aroud.
Moon: I know it's inevitable to think on suicide almost every month, and have the 'dont care' feeling every day; I once thought or maybe concidered the idea of having a paper journal, like the classic corny notebook of my life, just in case someday I ever got to do something remarkable in life and be remembered or something, thus having some certain evidenve of my life or anything (heh, even thought of DaVinci's notebooks), but never really tried, until then I decided to try with;
Everytime you comment on anything here you seem more interesting to me.

2004-09-12 13:40:12 ET

me? i deal with it almost every single day. i understand your pain. dont know if deal is the correct word. to try and do the right thing even though other people are compounding my fears is difficult. i talk to God alot but it still doesn't make up for talking to an actual person which seems to help the most. i find the best way when i'm feeling awful, depressed, suicidal is to distract myself; watch a movie, talk to someone, get out of my apt. but sometimes i don't feel like evn doing that. sometimes i'm just too tired. i refuse to take their drugs. the side effects are worse than the results.

  Return to Malkavian's page