rubato morendo
2004-12-14 21:38:36 ET

I feel so damn shitty right now...

Today after the rehearsal, I... uhm, ...thereís this girl, but also one guy who justÖ uhm, well... I donít know why I thought for a moment that I could... ahh, shit, forget it... what am I saying... senseless... Iím seems Iíll keep wandering alone forever.

As I said previously I told myself I was going to start drawing again, so I did. Finally I took the pen and a blank sheet and started drawing like I used to. I sort of finished today and wanted to show it here, but the bitchass motherfucker Scanner piece of shit isnít working well. It does scan, but it scans it in pink color. What the fuck? Like if it was something of the colors configuration or something, but no, everything seems normal, I kept scanning and it all shows it in a red-ish pink color, fuck!! Iíll try to go to a computer place or somewhere else to scan it.

Today it was colder, and my room is the coldest in the house. So, I was just about to take a bath, when I noticed I donít have anymore clean underwear, so Iím doing fucking laundry at 1 am, it should be out in a while. Maybe I should get 365 changes for the rest of the year, hah.

Well, itís a fact -again- that Iíll be spending Christmas eve alone. My parents will leave for a week on next Sunday, I didnít want to go with them because I donít enjoy being in family trips or family reunions; yet itís not completely me desire to spend the night alone... just not with my family. I wish there were someone else, but who? Well, fuck it... what am I going to do? Maybe eat pizza, walk by the streets, by on internet, listen music, hit my head to a wall, draw something, watch the tv or a movie, whatever, Iím useless to anyone.

2004-12-15 07:06:13 ET

I'll be alone forever too.

That's odd that the scanner is scanning in pink, I actually don't think I've ever heard of that before! I used to paint, but I haven't really done that in over a year.

I'll basically be spending Christams alone too, although my family will be there.

2004-12-15 21:16:00 ET

yeah, fucking scanner it pisses me off, why pink? I don't understand it, the only thing I can think of, is that maybe the lamp isn't reflecting well the gamma of colors and it displays them in an erroneous contrast or something thus it appears as pink... but I really don't knot for sure. I'll see if someone else can scan it for me.

It sucks to be alone. Well... emotionally alone. I certainly am not that much into cutting myself, but itís mostly the word ďmyselfĒ, Iíd rather like someone else do it hehh. (sounds masochist?), bah, I donít know, Iíd really wouldnít care if you or someone comes and starts cutting me hahh... mmm, blood.
whatever, so I'll just have a pizza for christmas...

2004-12-20 03:45:29 ET

man, the easiest way to stop being alone is to get laid ;) when you do, you radiate something that attracts women. (not my idea, but it seems to be working). once you start attracting women, all there's left to do is to find the right one... which is a completely different story, and is much much harder than just getting laid. sad huh?

2004-12-22 00:03:32 ET

yeh... well... if only I weren't so traumaticly shy with women.

2004-12-22 00:26:23 ET

that is also the easiest way to stop being shy :)

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