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2005-12-05 19:49:41 ET I don’t know how to write in this ‘journal’ anymore. I do connect and watch around some journals, but sometimes I’m afraid of post a comment or just don’t know what to say. I don’t have that easiness to be liked by others so quick, hence that I’m afraid of speaking or leaving a simple comment to others. Speaking of which, I must tell what happened two weeks ago. Nothing really important through the eyes of almost anyone else, but it’s more how I felt than what happened. The little orchestra had another of those amateur orchestras meetings or gathering or whatever the name is, when we play together with another young orchestra from other state to give a concert. So it happened, it lasted, as many others, only the weekend (Saturday and Sunday). By the night, a few of us went to this coffee-bar place and to get to meet some of the other orchestra. I was quite quiet at first. Then, fortunately I had the guts to start a random conversation with the girl next to me, who fortunately I had talked a few words earlier in the concert. Her name is Coral and is quite beautiful, but indeed what then attracted me more was her personality, which I met while talking to her that night. She told me stuff of her self, her character, quite interesting, very strong, she told me how years ago some teachers and school psychologists had lectured her about her behavior and she answered them back and made them cry! Apparently she knew how to fight back with words and make them feel bad to the point of making them cry. That’s lovely interesting. Oh well, I’m wandering a bit. What I try to tell is that I hadn’t met someone that interesting in so long, ...really long. That and what I said before: I had the guts to have a conversation that long. I was barely less than an hour in there talking to her, and every single minute I was torturing myself thinking “What else can I say? Does she look bored now? Shall I ask her more about her life? What kind of topics could she be interested in? Am I looking boring now?”. That’s why I felt so incredible to keep up the conversation without turning it awkward. Even though there do were some moments of silent to listen to what someone else was talking or to take a picture or ordering a drink, etc. But I felt so amazed of the situation, for I’m not of an easy sociable person as I mentioned before. I know, it surely looks even pathetic in the eyes of many people, but in the underworld of shyguys like me, it made me think of that night the whole week after... and still. This makes me either wonder or depress me more by the question of am I going to have another situation like that again? Will I ever find someone that interesting like her? Will I ever have the guts, again? Am I going to die alone? Or barely remembered? Will I ever have the chance to lay in someone’s arms? I simply don’t know. I still have the remorse of what could have been of me if maybe I have had the guts like this occasion in earlier years. What only occurs to me is that many people say that there shall be a balance for everything, thus there have to be some losers in the world so others can be the fortunate ones. I wish I could have the certainty of knowing that my sorrows were someone else’s fortunes. |
