The hypocrite speaks again.
2002-08-14 13:54:42 ET

A while ago I tried to pain again. Painting the sketch I left here when I went to Dallas, and while trying to paint I realized how hard is it.

The painting I did in Dallas was not like this here. I mean, there I was using acrylic paints and they dry very fast, even though they smell a bit nice, I reThmember I barely could slide the brush a few times because the paint dried too fast that I couldnít make fade effects so well, thatís one reason why I didnít like how it turned up at the end. Another thing was that the fucking paints change a little their colors when they dried, the kind of the darker, to another problem was that when I mixed several tones to get the color I wanted and I ran out of it, while I was preparing the other mixture, the fucking paint already placed in the wall got darker, so the new mixture (that should be the same color) I wasnít sure if it was the same tone or not, I had to guess what tone will it get when I was going to paint it in the wall, so this is why in there turned up with some different tones of one same color, for example, the gray, in some places it got darker and in some other it got lighter. I donít know if that same problem Iíll have at home or not, but now the problem here is that with oil paints it takes them to dry too long, so when I was ready to put the lighter tone of one color it started to mix in the previous placed and the Ďlight toneí started to vanish, so Iíll have to wait until the other one gets a bit more dried. The good thing about this is that it is easier to blur it and fade the colors, which I like. But hey, in case you havenít noticed, I am an AMATEUR, yes, with this painting at home it will be my third painting in my whole life and all by my own will, so feel totally free calling me rookie. So I must say that the Ďthingí I did in Dallas is horrible, really ugly shit; the main idea of the picture wasnít so bad, what it sucks is my work there, is totally a piece of shit, it seems like if a kid had done it, itís a mess.

And talking about rookies, as I mentioned previously, I bought finally a violin with the money I gained in Dallas, but, since I donít have other instrument in which I can take a sound as an example to tune the violin correctly, I canít practice for now, so Iíll wait to Saturday to come so Iíll get someone to tune it for me at the Art Institute so I can learn to do it by myself, I was barely able to place the bridge and the strings correctly (I think). The important for now is that I finally have this baby with me and I like it very much, so Iíll keep try doing my best in learning how to play in spite of my lameness to do anything.

The writing of the previous paragraphs puts me to think again if I chose the right career and why. I never feel confident about a decision. It seems Iíll always be the ďwhateverĒ guy.

2002-08-14 17:45:44 ET

Mmmm...I know how you feel. I've been asking myself, as I look at all the people around me with specialized skills who are experts at what they do: is it better to be an EXPERT at ONE thing or a DABBLER in MANY things? Comments from anyone? I personally am interested in so many different things I've never really stuck to just one. The closest would be changing careers when I was 27, going from working in stores to going to business school to learn office technology. And yet as smart as my family and friends seem to think I am, there is still a lot I don't know. I can type 72 words per minute and my phone etiquette is great (just used to dealing with many kinds of people) and I know MS Word inside and out...but when I'm looking for jobs all the employers want Secretaries with knowledge of EVERYTHING - the whole MS Office Package including Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Access. And man...I just don't know Excel that well (I really suck at math) and I could probably be much better with PowerPoint but how am I supposed to get better if nobody will give me a chance to? It's so frustrating. So my point is: yeah, I have been feeling like a total LOSER. :S

Yes, I'm always the "whatever" girl I suppose. Just kind of going with the flow, no one direction planned. I don't bother making long range plans because shit just always happens so why bother? All I can do is hope for the best, expect the worst and then I won't be disappointed if the worst happens. Blah. Can you tell I'm feeling rather depressed? :(

2002-08-14 20:38:02 ET

i think that if you are absolutley great at everything youve tried or if you are horibble at most things, that it doesnt matter as long as your happy. because if your not happy everything you were once great at will sowly get worse simply because your not happy while you do it. my advice to you guys (if you want it of course) is that its ok to be a "whatever" guy or girl as long as your happy with it... and if your not, then change it.

P.S. malkavian: dont worry about your painting. you'll get better at it soon. like you said its only your third time painting.

2002-08-14 22:32:00 ET

I definately agree with Pixie Flame.
I've always felt so pressured to pick a career and pursue college. After my first year of college I realized I was wasting thousands of dollars on a piece of paper(I didn't learn much sadly), and then I probably wouldn't even go into that career after college. So instead I dropped out of college and I work at a gas station. And if that stops being so good, I'll work somewhere else. I don't care really what my job is as long as it gets me what I want: money to buy a car, land, and provide basic needs in life- plus a little for just going out with friends.
While sometimes I really do wish I had a career, I really don't think I'll ever actually manage to settle on any single thing. There are just too many possibilities. So what I do is just wait for some golden opportunity to jump up at me to do what I want and until then I just slowly work achieving at the few goals I've managed to define in my life.
Just my two cents on that I guess.

2002-08-15 21:26:09 ET

TeRRoR's another whatever person, yay! You're right, I like so many things too I don't know what I want.

What Pixie describes here sounds me a bit paradox. I mean, how can I feel happy with something if I'm being apathetic at it? How will I know if that will bring me happines if I'm being whatever?... sound funny. Oh well, I'll try to be happy in the few moments I'm enjoying the things I'm doing.

What Litha says also sounds very nice, but the more I see something I'm unaware of it the more I want to learn...

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