2002-08-29 19:38:11 ET|
I look through the window, they all seem to be having fun, they all smile, so many lights, lights in all the rooms. Here, here is dark, Iím alone, quiet, such silence, such calm, why am I staring to like it this way? Again I think, here darkness-silence-cold-thinking, there light-noise-heat-laughers. Darkness means silence as well? And calm brings reason, prudence? Darkness is nothing, is absence of frequency, and is static. Light is something, high electromagnetic frequency, is movement. Silence is total absence of noise. Static is absence of movement. Heat is movement of matter, of diminutive subatomic particles. Cold is the slower movement of such particles, the slower the colder. Why is it easier to think (to me) when calmed? We think then communicate. Do we talk easier? Yes, itís easier to talk in the flow of conversations than stop to think first. They are laughing, talking... making noise. Iím here alone... thinking, in the dark, reasoning themes that no one else is... only me, ...alone. ďOh, there you are, come on inĒ says my mother, ďuh, okĒ I reply. Then I get inside the house, I look at the window, I cannot see whatís outside, which means if Iím in the darkness I can see what is in the light, but the light canít see whatís in the dark. Dark, shelter too? I could watch them; they couldnít watch me. Why are this thought coming to me now? ...Day: many colors, sounds, fast movements, sometimes irrational joy. Night: poetry, romance, calmed colors, cuddling shadows. I... I think... I like it.
So, perhaps they were my first steps, I donít know with exactitude, I was like 12 years old when I thought of the above. It was like in a family reunion with cousins, uncles, and aunts. Still attached to that theorem since then. One of the first thoughts I started to like, because all before was nonsense childish games and stupidity, I donít like remembering my childhood. But then the more the time was passing by the quieter I was becoming, and the more I started to believe I was alone, incomprehensible. And still I donít know for sure. I keep finding more and more paradoxes either to society as for my own... for example, I enjoy black and white drawings and photos, but then it comes some paintings (color), reading (you need at least some light) and music (sound) that I like and I cannot accept totally the above mentioned, so I sigh.
And now, I feel alone, unwilling for keeping alive. So much controversy I could make sometimes but always hushing so people wonít feel disrupted by my ideas. I keep on getting tired, exhausted of thinking, thinking in higher dimensions when more depressed I feel, and even when I find something to distract me, something that will make me feel a fool again and not thinking of the same philosophies, I fear again because I donít know when will it come again the time of thinking on huge netted ideas, of feelings, of mind, of awareness, of matter, of chaos, of existence itself. I might end up really becoming schizophrenic, but I still donít know for sure, as I said, it happens me mostly in the Dark.
Music I'd recomend for thinking of such like the mentioned: Cocteau Twins - Speak No Evil