If I had my head chopped I damn well could do better my hair cut.
2002-09-13 22:18:53 ET

1. I was walking by the street today and I realized that I did talk hearable to myself. Does this mean Iím finally going schizophrenic? Very Often Iím thinking like if I was talking to myself by having another personality, I mean, I think like if I was talking to another me, and also very often I do questions to myself just to keep thinking on the subject I was, such is that then I start to really have something like a conversation; this Iíve had like for 2 years now, but for the last months this has been more... strong? I mean, I do think like if I was trying to move tongue and lips to say the words loudly, but it just have been a very few times like now in which my lips really started to move and pronounce the words I was thinking, so I stopped and realized that I did said several words and phrases lowly hearable, and I was like ďhey! Iíve just spoken to myself... or one of the other me! ...uhm why am I still talking? I donít know, I guess you got pretty excited while thinking? So, does this mean that I need to actually talk to people more often? ...perhaps...Ē, so I finally shut the fuck up to myself and kept thinking (in my mind now). Ok, someone might say that that has happened to him or her many times too, but for me this wasnít just like singing a song alone while walking or being ďvery boredĒ, I normally do try to have much control on what I am doing, so these few cases are to me like ďwhat the fuck?Ē.

2. About the other things... of her... well, I got answered yesterday hopefully but she said that she wouldnít be able to come to join me to the classical concert due to she had many issues to fix, but that she wasnít rejecting me and she also hopes to meet me some time in the future... ugh, I feel embarrassed writing this (will explain later), oh shyness... so, I emailed her back telling that the next concert would be Sept 27 and that this next Sunday will also be a string quartet Iím going, so she should free to come, that the only thing I wanted was... ehm, ďwatchingĒ her; so, uhm, well, I think Iíll have time to spare my fear about this and think of it until something interesting comes to happen, which I should warn myself that when that happens Iíll be writing here hell a bunch of it...

3. Anyway, Iím drawing now another figure for the cover of the back of my current violin method book, and I havenít really finished the painting yet, I should now try to finish this work by either tomorrow or for the next weekend at most; this drawing is about two hands playing the violin, it has no extension of the arms, itís just the hands, and I already finished the sketch, Iím now only adding the shades, which will keep me about a week or more, ...yes, Iím too slow, for the meantime Iíll carry it for tomorrow to the violin lessons... coming back probably as always Iíll get a nap after, and the try to keep with the painting.

I... feel like... I need a pillow to cuddle... or bite.

2002-09-14 09:16:35 ET

no worries I can realte to subject matter number one you are not schizo you are just varied in personality and I happen to think thats a good quality it means you are open minded...as for subject number two ggod for you but don't be too shy you have no reason to be you are smart talented, and I could never imagine anyone rejecting someone as special as you...as for subject 3 I love all your art and the fact that you play the violin you are such a great artist!!!!

2002-09-14 13:51:58 ET

Uhmm... sometimes it'd be better if just living as aschizo... uhm or a vegetable, (no pain)... well, about the girl thing... I'm the shyest on earth, point. And, well, I try to be an artists, but I won't judge myself, so... thanks, I'll keep trying.

2002-09-15 14:43:53 ET

dont worry about talking to your self. i was sitting in class a few days ago thinking about what i had to do when i got home and i started to put on chapstick and i realized my lips were moving! scarey shit.

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