Mind to mind, matter to matter.
2002-10-01 22:07:15 ET

I was listening some tracks I downloaded from the soundtrack of ďBack to the FutureĒ trilogy, which has been one of my favorites movies since I first saw it. I remember that since then Iíve always wanted to be like the Doc., E. Brown, that character Iíve always admired since the very first time I saw it, I think that in part for him I started liking all mathematics and physics areas of science, I know that in part it also has to be with genetic, due to my father is a doctorate in electric fields or something like that, thus is that he was also into the math/physics thing and I perhaps got it from him, even though I started liking it by myself too, I mean I wasnít really like the kid searching help from his parents for solving math homework for school, I wanted to do it by myself; when teachers use to tell us to form groups for doing some math homework I always said to the integrants of my team that if they were tired or lazy for not wanting to do it Iíd be glad to solve all the problems and they agreed, in general I always like math but despite other math lovers in school I never was considered a geek or a nerd... in fact Iíd been taken more likely to a badass, yes, a rude person, well... to say truth it amazes myself how is it that here in subkultures I donít show many cursing while writing, but outside, all fellows know me for being like the most rude person while speaking, they are used to me giving them the ďfuck you assholeĒ as if it were the ďgood morningĒ and theyíre ok with it, Iíve been like that for so long... that-s why I was saying on other previous entries that I had been starting to have like a double personality, because almost most of dudes that know me in person see me like one cold, cruel, crazy motherfucker thatís always giving a shit to shit..., but... well, in some journal entries I have here I may not apparent that, right? I mean, I mostly talk about searching beauty, efforts on my drawing-girls works, passion for just learning violin, and suffering and feeling pathetically lonely for not having a muse to kiss and such... and all of this is mostly what they donít know too much of me, they, the folks Iíve hung out a very few times only know me for drawing comic or anime a-like characters, such as crazy superheroes and such, Iíve show these pictures of realistic drawings to barely 1 or 2 persons by my will, some others have seen it really without wanting them to see them, but for example, a very nice friend who also likes to draw and she actually gives lessons of cello at the institute where I go for the violin is one Iíve shown a few pictures because I know she is more mature than the other dudes... I guess thatís why I mostly donít like showing these gentle sides of me very often to people outside, because Iíve really had experiences of knowing that they wouldnít handle me as I wish... thus is so that thatís another reason why I havenít commented about having this journal to those folks, because I know the would freak out at me or wouldnít recognize; I know that for many that would be not fair... about being different with some ones than others, but I take this in a similitude as for mostly any person who wouldnít be discourteous and rude with mother but being assholes with their friends, itís something like that... but in a very different abstract level of studying people to know how to react or behave with them. Even with my parents Iím not very communicative, because Iíve also studied them and I know what kind of issues I may feel likely to talk with them, and sincerely not too many issues... this is another thing that most times I need to hide very well or else people will start looking my as a devil by being so cold and cruel sometimes at some issues that almost all of people would consider as an important unquestionable issues of morality ...yes, morality, ethics, all supposed facts to be taken as rightly true paths of goodness, just imagine how much could I ask and never endless question about so problematic theme of ďwhat is or isnít goodnessĒ, ...I could be ripped apart from all society for just a few other subjects that ethics and morality concern... just for a quick example, my parents are in first place, living beings, then rational beings, then humans, then persons, and so it goes until one of the last places that they are my parents; this, which could freak out many people for me not looking at them as my very superior entities that gave me life and stuff, is just one example of how I have other subjects in mind that I must be very careful of how to express it and who to express it, or else consequences may be harmful to me or to others.

So, as I was saying, this has been one restless topic that itches my mind... a decision; as an example I used above, a decision of who to be, when and where, because the how is what comes when I know whoís the other who that Iím interacting with. Thus decision are very hard, just to tell that I find many faces of beauty... from a glass breaking in slow motion to a soft, tender, kind, neat, young glance of a girl. Decisions are a constant element of survival for a philosophy path or ignition. I had also been known for sometimes giving the answer of ďI donít knowĒ when people asked or still ask me something. And this other decision that includes this unknowing answer involves the first subject I was touching above, of how I like and adore mathematics and physics but still donít knowing if itís so true that I love them that much in spite that I may not be that very good at it, just the same way I feel for Art. Because the loving for these universal sciences started still before my enchanting passion for art; Iíve been liking to draw since childe, yes, like since 6 or 7 years old perhaps, but I was only known for having that hobby for drawing cartoons and all sort of popular characters for the entertainment more than the true expression and delivering of feeling in one work. So it that until some time before entering high school that then I started feeling dramatic feelings inside of me, and started philosophizing about all I could, so it was then that I started creating this hiding-ideas-to-others thing. And so the more I was thinking the more I was feeling extremely lonely and schizophrenic than before, that thus I wanted to start doing personal art, and well, it is now that I have this realistic drawings of gorgeous gothic / metal girls that I like to do. Moreover the fascination of science still remains here as well as is art now... this total chaos puzzled of awareness of cognoscible love, that I call Philosophy.

This may have sounded like too much about my life I really didnít speak much of what Iíve lived, so it cannot either consider it as a quick autobiography of mine, because itís not my life (bio), but barely a short clue of why I -in spite of all supporting anyone could give me- still feel miserably frustrated and alone, wondering by wanders of universeís rhetorical questions, alone. And all of this and I never talked about love, but love is something I'm very serious about, so it'll in another time. Thus as well as I said before, I know that I canít change all sort of ideas randomly to general audience, so Iím very aware of what I typed above and what I may not write in here, I mean Iím aware that this is a web page that any person in the world with access to internet is able to read it, whether they care or not. And Iím neither yelling to the world to be listened and understood, Iím doing it, apart from liberating ideas and emotions, because for so hard that Iíve studied humanís wills and objectives I know that for more that I feel alone I at least need to search for empathy for I know Iíve found none in what concerns in my inner mind; because I also need to have like an evidence of what I have been digging and exploring into the epistemological fields of myself of discovering truths and cognoscible subjects of all kind, either from singular observations of the humanityís society or from the most abstract high-leveled known theorems of the universe, the existence itself and the significance of relevance of reality; this is why I at least need to write about of how and maybe why I think like this, to have like an archived or established ideas of mine into something that later might evolve. All of this, for the madness, for the crying naps and tortured eyes, due to the awareness, just knowing it will never, clearly never, will end; that, which we all children of chaos have in mind that tormented, endless, universal, philosophical question: why?

All of this makes me never forget so true quote I once read about a philosopher called Karl Popper:
ĒOur knowledge only can be finite, meanwhile our ignorance ought to be necessarily infiniteĒ.

2002-10-02 02:11:25 ET

I empathize with you quite a bit, my friend. The masks we choose to show others takes anywhere from minutes to hours to days to years to forge, and then, then we wonder why are we so terribly alone, looking for a kindred spirit in a desolate world.

2002-10-03 18:27:09 ET

I have gotten pretty good at turning off my geekiness when I must. My problem in the past was being too stoic. I have gotten over it mostly but I still have room for improvement.

  Return to Malkavian's page