Albinoni - Adagio
2002-05-10 22:08:06 ET

I'm dead.

Hours ago I went to a classical music concert. It was BEAUTIFUL. How they played made feel the most worthless scum on earth, again. So many thoughts, so many visions, so much passion, so much music, so much beauty there. I recognize, again, that I don't deserve life, not for what I am but what I can't do.

·I feel sorrounded by hipocrite, stupid, ugly and pathetic people and I feel sad because I'm alone.
·I feel sorrounded by elegant, intelligent, beautiful and admirable people and I feel sad because I'm not.
·Hell is painted as being sorrounded by demons, burning in flames, feeling phisical pain and hated by those you know.
·But hell is felt as being alone, dying cold, going paraoincly insane and bogging in the search for love.

Great pleasures of shadows. We wish what we envy. I lament for what I can't concentrate and I like. Why do write this if I know it doesn't matter for anyone? Howcome we always celebrate the begining of something ignoring its end? Because of fear of course. Lock the Univers and what do we have? nonsense ideas of a living entity. Is this the response of why I'm always distracting? because of fearing and at the same time searching the truth of something? ...distracting... that's why I love beauty. So my helpless mind, again, what only can do, for now, is admire you, beauty, wherever you are, ...pleasures of darkness.

2002-05-11 05:45:41 ET

you deserve it very much.

2002-05-11 05:45:53 ET

i mean life

2002-05-11 19:36:55 ET

i like it

2002-05-12 16:11:08 ET

same with me. when something is so wonderful, i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to enjoy it. it's fucked up, but i can't help it.

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