Do I deserve even something?
2002-05-13 18:58:33 ET

Today I went to some Math & physics contests, just to see how would I be... oh fuck I'm such a lame.
I don't know why I like those subjects... I think because it has "order and control" and due to I'm such a paraoind, (dement sometimes) I serach for that, I guess.
But lately, due to feeling such a crap person, I've be trying to relieve my mental pain through art, through admiring what I don't have (or am not), so I've been so distracted about the congnocible world that I really really sucked ass those tests.

So, trying to fit in the science world is so pathetic now, but trying to get into the art world would be like a suicide now days... though I think of that every morning and every nigth. Besides even at art I suck. I take too long drawing at something really small. And my new violin classes... oh I feel like a dumb, I don't have a nice ear for that, but I still like it. So, if I try to go to the artistic side I'll have too much culture to learn, and I'm so "uncultured" about anything: people ask me something and I "I don't know, whatever"...

Oh, it's 11pm here and I haven't eaten anything the whole day! Anything but a chocolate bar and two cokes! damn, will I survive for tomorrow? Should I go to eat something now? mmh... I've written quite something now, huh? well whatever...

2002-05-13 19:23:03 ET

ahhh man... you seem to be doing it cuz you like it.. stick with that and relax about the whole second guessing yourself deal..
things will fall into place...
i haven't eaten today either.. but fuck it.. i'm too lazy to do that also

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