Somehow feeling not good.
2002-05-17 21:10:51 ET

Again, lost in lonelyness. What can I feel? What can I do? What can I see? What may I feel for you?

Two days ago I was really really depressed... if that's the definition of how I was feeling. I really wanted to kill me. Make art or suicide. I wanted to be gone, like if I had never existed. But then, a friend came... or was it me how unconciously searched for her? I don't know. She smiled and gave strength for live... a little. We had a nice talk about classical music. She talked to me about how she play in some events with her band of classical music and how she give lessons of painting for little kids. She's an angel. The simple chat with her made me feel comfortable for a while ...her smile.

Today things have been as usual I guess. I don't feel no more suicidal again but I'm not a happy person still. I spent like an hour or two painting at oils again. The painting is almost done, I just need to buy more turpentine because I ran out of it.

In this lonely darkness I think of many things. The beauty of darkness itself. The desperate feeling for warm shoulders sorrounded by cold. Tomorrow, or better said, in some hours I have my violin lessons. I'm still pretty amateur on it. There goes a teacher who's 18 years old and is such a beaituful fine goth. Ah, her eyes make me stupify, my hands tremble somehow acording to her movements. She ought to be a goth. Her fine clothes are pure goth. I love all goth beauties. The real goths, not the bunch of whores pretending just to be bad girls. Ah, they're living art.

I could write more about anything, but this is a journal, so I guess, I should leave something... for another day.

2002-05-18 00:51:55 ET

you are not alone

2002-05-18 16:36:31 ET

Thanks, but I'm still cold.

2002-05-20 20:17:08 ET

Black vinyl + sunlight = not cold.

You'd be surprised the happiness you can attain if you just try to move in on it. Think of yourself everyday as something superior to what you were yesterday. It's the psychological version of stamina and strength training.

Worked for me. I was where you seem to be.

Fight something. Doesn't really matter what. We aren't meant to be stagnant.

Ha, here's me explaining the key to happiness. WTF. Probably just bullshitting -- the aftershave is giving me such a headache...

2002-05-21 03:25:55 ET

It's your journal, so write your dissertation if you feel so inclined.
Eventually, you will exhaust yourself out of any depression. It took me a week and seventy pages, but I got out of my Christmas funk dammit!

2002-05-21 04:04:56 ET

Heh, yeah, I remember what Christmas used to do to me.

2002-05-21 04:53:02 ET

It's a time for my case, that was the problem.
Another good cure for depression, seasonal or otherwise is finding out a particularly bothersome ex left town and/or gained weight, making it harder for him to mooch off of others.

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