Woe is me.
2002-12-17 19:51:09 ET

I hadnít feel so fucking lame and despicable since so long, almost half year ago...
How was your day? Considering I wanted to suicide in the morning, Iím fine... please tell me youíve at least found better sarcasm than this. I just realized to another level that Iím useless. Why? Because for much that I could (imaging that I may do something useful) do something good at certain areas that comprehend any human action, I canít seem to proceed with it because of other issues that drag me back... and how can I pass through it? Fuck, I donít know. Iím just really tired of it. So Iím either really really really stupid and useless like the most dirty fucking piece of shit in the half of the road of others. Yes, so in the morning due to this certain issue I felt (still feeling) so fucking mediocre and miserable, my mind started thinking a hundred of things, such things no one would care or like, unless it was a high level philosopher boring trying to find something new in this miserable mind mine. I just left so such of my way of seeing things... Iím not so sure of seeing again a person as a person but another living being, another creature, another thing, like just something else, why, and specially me of course. I really wanted just to avoid life, wanted to die, to disappear, to vanish, or never have been existed, Iím just useless, I can barely interfere with otherís lives ...and yet not doing something as good as I wish I could.

I know all this ranting will sound just more stupid knowing the fact that ďcome on, like if you were the only motherfucker who feels downĒ, yes, I know, so as I said, I thought on so many things, I think I could easily predict like 3 different responses of people about this, I got to one point in which I almost felt I could see nature of existence from a singular system of ordinate functions we sometimes just call coincidence. Itís sad, just sadness, sad, how for much I could possibly revolute knowledge of many things it wouldnít be useful if I first canít fit in the society of it, irony. I could just give more and more ranting, by as time passes by I keep forgetting and procrastinating the woe so it keep getting bigger and bigger, more painfully and sadder. For now I canít seem to recall much of the mental facts I had since then, all of that chaos and crying struggles for asking to be better, to ďfitĒ somewhere, to live pleasantly with the hope the maybe someday it will be ok.

2002-12-17 23:15:11 ET

dont worry, everybody gets sad sometimes...and I am starting to feel like everything has been thrown at me all at once...well...when all else fails...just go bash something...or zone out

2002-12-18 15:25:55 ET

you will be ok malkavian. if you weren't those thoughts would have gotten to you by now and you would be dead.

2002-12-19 18:39:44 ET

Yeah, I know, I was like wishing that in any moment someone came to shot me or something.

2002-12-20 09:07:00 ET

I get feelings like that but I figure if I really felt that way I would've been dead by now. so...deep down you want to live...you just don't want all the bad parts to be involved.

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