2003-01-10 19:13:19 ET|
Long entry below
Wednesday. Due to some past issues I needed to go back to some place to solve those problems, in that place I knew that the girl, the one I once felt interested in her beauty but never dared to meet her and only gave her a drawing of her, she, that the emailed me some times about the drawing and I replied her several times as well, her name Kathy, I knew she was going there too. And I felt scared and shy. So went there, also carrying the drawings I made of her so that if by chance I could see her I would gave them to her and meet her. But I saw her, and I walked away. I was scared I didnít know what to do. So, all depressed because of my failures I just went back home.
Thursday. Again, it was my duty to go back there because my issues there were going to be off until Friday. And I knew she would be there again as well; Again, my woe was about to show. I was starting to become more insane about this, which in some way I could translate it as good perhaps because the more out of reality I am the more easy is to do something that I normally canít. So I went there, but this time I saw her from far and I turned back: I was scared that she could see me, so I only saw her by the reflect of the glass of one window I was in front of. So lame again did what have to do there and was about going home again when something even more lame happened: I was walking through the sidewalk when I saw her she was walking in the same lane with one friend of hers, they were coming towards me, I didnít know what to do, I pretended I didnít see them facing to the floor and keep walking... so I just passed near them like about for 3 meters at most... I just couldnít believe it! I was so closed to her. I stopped and see the walking away and asked myself ďWhy?Ē This is not normal, Iím damned, Iím useless, what am I doing? Why?
Friday. This had been too much, it couldnít have been truth, but I know it was. Anyway, I had to go back there still. This time I tried to have more guts than ever and finally do something, the least I could do would be to just give her the drawings and say thanks or something. I was practically dead of shyness, I felt like a zombie, what else could I risk? So, I went, waited a few minutes but didnít see her, she didnít seem to appear, I thought that she had already left so I better decided to enter the room where I was normally going to deal my stuff when I got amazed by seeing her coming out from there... I thought ďthis is my chance, probably the last oneĒ. I take out the folder where I had the drawings so I could give it to her, but some people came near by, probably their friends, they came and she went with them so I just ... I just couldnít do it... I thought ďn... no, I canít just go and give it to her in front of all of them... I couldnít... I ...canítĒ. So, I better decided to do my stuff and wait if by chance she would stay there for a while so when I finished I could try it again. So, it was she stayed there around with some people, I finished my stuff, came out of the room, looked around outside and I did see her... she was already leaving, but she was taking another direction she normally doesnít, she was leaving with those people... so... ...I could not. I failed... again. Perhaps forever...
I guess no one on this earth could feel empathy for me about this. This is just not normal, am I excessively that shy? Why? I canít do it right thus Iím useless. This experience will remain in my memory torturing myself for too long. Fuck, it seems itís when people tell me that itís going to be right it gets worse. I did draw her one more time while seeing her this time (well described above), I scanned and mailed her, but I guess she knows now who I am, I do think she also saw me watching her, thus Iím even more worried now if I ever get to meet her, what would she think? Sheíll probably ask me why didnít I say something to her, why was I acting like that, oh, what will I answer, I donít know... what I do know is that Iíll have one more chance this next Wednesday, Iíll have to go for one more time... and I know she will too as well. But, will I be now more insane and finally have guts to show me in front of her? I can only wait.