2003-01-15 21:04:22 ET|
Last night I watched a movie, then took a shower and went to try to sleep but I couldnít sleep well, so today I woke up at 6:00 am, got dressed up and went to some place to finish dealing with some issues... and I knew she was going to be there too, she, the girl Iíve been writing a few times here, some girl I saw since more than half a year ago and I decided to draw her and give her the drawing that then she had been emailing me and I replying as well; her name is Kathy, I had been trying to met her but every time I tried to go to her I got scared and my shyness always took me away, yet the last week I was really pathetic at it. So today was another chance (if not the last one) to try to see her. I knew she was there, so was I.
I finished doing my stuff; I watched her from far... I stared, I didnít dare to go, she was with some friends around, so I just looked from far. Then while I was doing other stuff (just wasting my time) I saw her finally leaving... alone was she, my opportunity it was. I followed her by the same track she always took to take the bus and go. So she finally got to the corner of the bus stop, I was crossing the street barely looking to the sides because I was still staring at her, yet I was so fucking nervous, so damn scared and afraid... then I got to the corner, I had the folder with the drawings in my right hand. The first thing I did... I didnít even say a word... I only extended my arm to give the folder to her, she looked at me very confused and I said ď...here, for you...Ē, she still was confused until she opened the folder and saw the drawings I made of her, she smiled and said ď...oh, finally, you had taken long, boy...Ē, from many emails I wrote to sending drawings and such, she finally knew who I was. ďWhat do you think?Ē I asked her; ďwell, I like it, theyíre niceĒ she said and gave back the folder to me, I said I was giving them to her but she said that those were mine and I answered that it was a gift to her, so she took out another bigger folder from her bag pack and put them there.
We were then like 5 seconds in silence (I just didnít know what to do) until she said ďso, why hadnít you talked to me before?Ē, I was astonished and said ďI... uhm,, well, because I didnít have the drawings carrying with me then...Ē ...what kind of a fucking answer was that?! Oh such an asshole I was. Well, the she replied ďoh, so had to have the drawings so you could talk to me?Ē, ď...uhm, no, well, I... think so, I, mmh yeh?Ē, ok now anyone could say I was really intimidated, I was stuttering. She then said ďLet me guess, youíre some serious person, are you?Ē, ď...uhm, I... I guess so...Ē, ďwell, do you have something else to say? Iím better doing questionsĒ she said and she started asking me some stuff, like why did I like to draw, since when did I started liking it, and she was amazed when I told her that I lived in Sweden when I was very young because she said that she also went there last summer for vacations... well, thatís something in common now, huh? Then I also commented her that I was studying violin, and she said that she also had a particular interest in this instrument but that their parents didnít let her learn to play it before because it was too expensive (I didnít know where) but that she did like this kind of music so I suggested that this Friday the chamber orchestra that I normally like to go to listen would be starting their season of concerts, but she said she seems always to be busy to go, she did seem interested in going though. She kept doing me other questions, I donít remember exactly, I did remember that in one of the emails se once sent she said se was going to charge me for the drawings (just kidding I guess), and there she asked me who was the one that was going to charge for it because she had forgotten, I told her that she should charge me for it for she is the model of my drawings, and she smiled...
Anyway, in the few moments I was actually talking to her I always looked so nervous and shy... woe is me, my hands and even my teeth were trembling so that she even asked if I had cold (I didnít have cold, I was just nervous). Damn, I think I did look so fucking pathetic in front of her, I didnít know what to do, I was either looking at her shoulders, her shoes, the street, her hands, glancing up many times to her face to see her eyes, she had some cute eyeliner I liked, but still, I was scared that she might be getting sick of having some loser in front of her. Anyway, a bus came by and she said that she had now to go and I told her that I was going to draw her once more, she said goodbye and left; I stood there for another 10 seconds and then I also parted away back home.
All the way back home, I kept most of the time my head down only thinking of what had happened, thinking that Iím not good at all... at anything, I just suck, I donít have much that she might like of me... but I feel like dead anyway, so Iíll probably be risking myself once more... I... Iím not sure if Iím more scared now or not. But, again, I do know that I donít know what to do.