Slowing down
2003-03-15 22:40:15 ET

Ugh... well, again it’s been long since I didn’t write here,,, fuck, ok, I promise I’ll come back more often to write my shit and search for read other’s interesting shit, yes, because at the end of our metabolism we are all shitters, so fuck ... eh, well, it’s just that thing have been really odd lately, I don’t know how to describe it… to say that it seems March has some interesting birthdays, so far I can remember Vivaldi’s on 4th, Michaelangelo’s on 6th, Einstein’s on 14th and Benito Juarez’s (some Mexican president) and J. S. Bach’s both on 21st …yet it’s the same day the Spring starts… eh, so if you ask how come was it that I remember those now… well, it’s part of the weird week I’m having…

Well, on a lighter note, today I had my violin’s lessons again like I hadn’t had in a long time, because yet weeks ago we’d been having more rehearsal and such and my ‘teacher’ had been some other girl who, to my opinion, sucks a lot (as a teacher) compared to Susy, my first formally teacher, but today was nice because I got to have her as my teacher again –at least for today- and oh dude it was nice having her violin wisdom teaching me how to do things right, she does is a great teacher, besides she’s the one dresses the best, heh. Well, we’ll see what happens next Saturday. So far I’ll keep practicing what she taught me today, though I’ll be practicing more the formal violin lessons than the fucking nursery rhymes and Disney themes we’ll be playing on April, damn, those are a really pain sometimes.

I’ve also been listening a lot to the new album I downloaded, which I described in a previous note, it’s Opera IX – Maleventum, and I like it a lot. Also I finished downloading another 3 albums of symphonic black metal, so I’ll have plenty week of listening fine gothic-metal albums.

Ok, so now the mopey part, shall we? Lately I’ve been looking around and I can’t but keep recognizing how fucking miserable and pathetic my existence is; so anyone can do the ingénue, easy and futile job of trying to encourage me telling that not everything’s lost… that I have lot of shit to be a happy asshole… well… it’s really hard to convince me of that lately… depressed, pathetic, fucked up, angsty, whatever you may call me… fuck, I do try to be nice and do good things sometimes, but fuck, as I said above, I just look around me and all these people make me feel so crappy miserable, you may ask why, …ok, why…: say, I try to be gentle with ladies, and courteous where needed; I like prudent ways of thinking and philosophy with wit and thus I like exact and truly natural sciences such as Math and Physics, I appreciate other’s work and advance of biological sciences and technology developments, I like to think with patience and clear wisdom, thus I like Philosophy; I have a love for fine arts thus I practice drawing, tried some painting, listen to a lot of music, I try to learn a musical instrument (violin) and appreciate others art, I feel passion, I like better emotional or suspense-melancholic dramas other than crazy action-funny-popular youngsters likes, I like aesthetic I adore tender female figures; I try to have patience with people… fuck, do you see? You think I could chose any from the above to stop saying that I’m a pathetic human being? Fuck, I wish I could, but for more of a good human that I try to be almost anyone… anyone… I bet all of you who stop by here to read this, any of you could beat me the fuck up by just answering simple questions that I can’t… I whine for it and become more pathetic, yet all of you do could tell me at least what does it feel like to hold your loved one’s hands…
please… tell me...

listen to: Samuel Barber - Adagio for strings

2003-03-17 18:10:55 ET

... and he lets it out.

Well I wont tell you that you have plenty of things to be happy about because people say the same to me and I find it bullshit. I wish I could help you but I can't... I can't even help myself. I think I'm as miserable as you say you are.
The world is fucked up and I can't seem to find any solace as of late. The only thought that comes to my mind is to die. Yet, I feel so pathetic when I even say that. I don't see why I have to come to think about death.
Even though you could say I'm with "the priest"... we're not the closest couple. I often feel very loney, as I do now. Sometimes we don't even speak for a week. I'm starting to believe love isn't real and it never existed.
I wish I could comfort you as I wish I could have someone comfort me.*sigh* take care.

2003-03-20 18:07:25 ET

You do comfort me... I'm not sure how, but you do in some way.

2003-03-21 18:09:15 ET

that makes me feel a little bit nicer.

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