What IS this?
2002-06-14 12:39:24 ET

Yesterday was one of the most horrible days, only for one thing. It happened something really bad. It wasnít about my feelings on social life nor my lameness of the pretty girl I wrote before, it was... my academic dignity has now failed at all. All people, everyone, had always known me for being a math lover, yes, Iíve always loved math, but... something very denigrating has happened to me. It was honestly the only support I had for being alive. I could be the worst at anything cognitive by human brain, but I would always be a math lover... but now... this happened... and I have nothing that makes me keep wanting to be alive... oh really I have no words to describe it, it has been the worst thing ever, more than my lameness in front of beauty of social stuff, more than anything, thatís all I can say.

~ ~ ~

So, today, as consequence I walked around with my ugly sad face, and I decided to go to the place where I might have the luck of watch the goth girl again, because I decided that the draw I had made that I wanted to give to her didnít look like her too much and yesterday at evening I decided to draw specifically her, now this draw looks a bit more akin to her. So I decided that if I had the chance to see her again, now with my paranoiac mood (due to the math thing) called ďoh, what the fuckĒ, I would give the draw to her at all cost...
She was there, I couldnít resist to keep watching her, finally she had to go, and we, again, took the bus. At first, at the corner she was with a friend of hers but I didnít care and I was almost at the point to talk to her and give her the draw, but when I barely raised my arm the bus came up, so we both get on it, her friend didnít took it so I had the fortune to be near her alone, again. But I was so damn scared; I kind of got a trauma about the experience before. I was trembling. But again, my psychotic force of will said ďwhat the fuck, youíre already a lame, youíre dead, youíve failed at everything, go and make more and more mistakes at your lifeĒ; so I calculated to talk to her one block before she had to take off the bus (so she could leave right away after the strange happening), and with my trembling hand I barely touched her shoulder and said:
- Excuse me...
She turned forwards me. She saw me and I came up the dumbest question.
- Where you that girl at the opera one week ago?
- Mhh? Huh... I... I donít know, which girl? Opera?

I felt so idiot. I had almost planned everything I was supposed to say, and again, I felt so powerless, and started stammering.
- Yes, you were... I... saw you... I... I occurred to do this... ehmm...
I showed the folded paper where I drew her, and give it to her. She took it!
- Yes? Whatís this...?
- I... I only, eh, wanted to... well... I hope you donít mid.... itís just eh...

She noticed that she had now to go, she was confused and kind of wanted to give it back to me, or something. I, with my hands, kind of said that it was hers, that she may take it, so she keep it, and get off the bus.
I stared through the window to see what would she do. I was so damn nervous of what I had just did!!! I saw her unfolding the paper and I barely could see that she looked at it. I didnít know if she was surprised of confused; the bus was leaving from there, I couldnít see her face, I donít know what happened, what would she think of it, what would she feel. For me, it was fine, I was already fucked up in my life, but for her... what would she think of a guy whom she had never met in her life, never spoken or known who he was, a guy whom she had no clue at all who was he, and suddenly he gives her this drawing of her, without ever had known them eachother? I donít know. What will happen? I barely wrote with pencil on the paper ďcomments to:Ē and put my two e-mail addresses. Will she think that was pathetic? Will she dare to write? Oh shit, I donít know, but I guess... I shouldnít be worry anymore because my life sucks at all. Letís see what happens... what it matter is that I did it.

After that, I headed to some university where there was an art contest in which I send some draws a month ago, and now was time for the authors to pick them up. I went there and have my draws back and came home again. I slept because I was so depressed still about the other thing, and now I wrote this. Tonight I will go again to the theatre to listen the orchestra performing ďThe Four SeasonsĒ of Vivaldi, I hope that relaxes me a bit to wake up a bit more encouraged tomorrow. Meanwhile I think Iím going to eat something and rest or whatever.

2002-06-14 13:28:44 ET

very very brave move indeed!
i love the Four Seasons ... i miss playing them even more ...

2002-06-14 21:24:18 ET

I'm pretty good in math myself. Anyway atleast you did make an attempt to talk to her. If some guy did that for me I would probably like it a lot, I'd feel wanted and beautiful... to know that I inspired some stranger to draw me.

2002-06-15 04:13:55 ET

Ooh, let me be the stranger.

2002-06-15 06:56:30 ET

has anyone ever thought that maybe this "goth" girl doesnt want the attention?

2002-06-15 09:27:22 ET

butteredtoast, I guess you didn't catch up the other journal entries. It wasn't that much about her to me. It was about me to her.

2002-06-15 16:23:27 ET

You can be the stranger...

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