2002-07-30 08:51:24 ET

>Ever had that feeling that everything is falling apart?The your life is on a slow downward spiral never seeming to stop? I do.

I believe it all started when I was 8yrs old. My dad was diagnosed with Agent Orange(pcpt) and Hepitis C.Thats when he started drink ALOT more than usual. He was never a mean drunk, then. All through my 17 yrs of life, my parents have spilt up and got back together over 7 times. That can be really stressful when you are the age I was at the start. Now that I think of everything it all started when I realized my little brother got treated better than me.See my lil' bro has C.P. ( cerebral Palsey), he can't walk right. I guess I'm jealous of him, I dont know. I have always taken care of him and stood up for him all my life. And he never apperciates , or thanx me for anything I do for him. It hurts me when he says he hates me. I guess I'm angry at him.
My parents use to be ok,but over the years its gotten pretty bad.Maybe its my fault because I'm so hangry and hurt, saddened and upset at them,for all the broken promises and the way they set a double standard with me and my brother. They never have and never will like anything I do for them. I try not to yell, scream, cry and shout at them, but a person, a child can only hold and keep so much deep down inside of them before they burst.
All my childhood and teenage years have built and constructed the bitter, hateful, angry, sad, confused little girl.I'm angry. I'm angry that what happened in the past and what is happening now. I can't hold anymore in, my sponge has absorbed all it can hold.
I feel horrible because I am so angry at people who've done nothing, at people who don't deserve it. I'm angry at my parents, my brother, my whole family. I'm mad at people who
don't know,the people who don't understand. I'm mad at the people who don't give a shit, the people who don't care. And most of all I'm mad at myself.
Maybe I'm just seeking attention? Maybe I'm jealous of people that have what I don't? Maybe I'm selfish? Maybe I'm just being a brat?
I don't know. But I do know this...things cant get much worse from here, they can only get better, but when? Am I going to stay this selfish, angry, sad, bitter little girl forever? Or am I going to have my time when I'm completely happy? ......Only time can tell...and only time can change it.....

2002-07-30 09:23:19 ET

or maybe you're just human? ahh, don't be so hard on yourself. It can only get better.

2002-07-30 10:55:06 ET

yea..ever since I was little I was taught that everything was my fault and too be very hard on myself. Thats another reason I was put in the psych-ward.

2002-07-30 12:53:36 ET

yeah. well, I say just hang in there. i'm not going to try to completely relate, because I'm sure i can't. But I can try and offer words of encouragement and advice and such.

2002-07-30 13:00:40 ET

Yes. Its cool. I wrote all that last night. So yea

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