lost puppy??...
2002-08-19 15:35:23 ET

I miss AJ. This school year is going to suck. See last school year AJ and I only got to see each other once a week, if that and it was on saturdays. Now he is getting a job, so we will hardly see each. With a job and school, there will be no time for me. And I've gotten really fuckin attached to him over the summer. So this is going to be really really hard for me. Cause see, AJ has spoiled me. Not with gifts and shit, but with affection and love. So now, I will not be getting that. I won't be 1st anymore. And I'm not going to accept that too well. And I know it. I'm use to always coming 1st and its going to be odd. He told me we are just going to have to get use to it and live with it, and I know that, but its going to be harder on me than him. We are going to go from seeing each other like almost every week, to maybe seeing each other everfy 2 weeks, or once a month. I don't like that fact already. I think it seems like I'm being a selfish brat. But I've never had to deal with this before. I don't know how to deal with it. I know I'm going to throw fits when he cant see me because he has to work. Or he cant see me because he has to work. I know it. I'm going to throw fits, I already do. I don't know why. I'm dependant on him in ways. My parents were never affectionate with me..and hardly ever told me they loved me...soo thats how AJ has spoiled me. He told me that sometimes when he leaves my side I act like a lost puppy. And I guess I kinda am...

2002-08-19 16:13:05 ET

awwww Nicole! me sorry! it sucks. but hurry and get your licsene so you can drive =) hehe. sooner or later it will work out for you guys =D

2002-08-19 18:15:42 ET

I guess...

2002-08-19 18:39:40 ET

it will! i <3 you! and it will all work out!

2002-08-19 18:40:35 ET

I <3 you too! thanx..

2002-08-19 19:07:44 ET

I know this feeling you describe. My b/f ZeN lives 300 miles away (I'm in Boston, he's in Long Island, NY) so we only get to see each other about once a month. This worked out OK for the past year and we just celebrated our first anniversary of being together a year which is pretty amazing considering the distance involved and all the obstacles thrown in our way. But now we're both totally broke and still looking for jobs. The plan is for him to move to Boston but he needs/wants to come here with some start-up money and the problem is he can't get a job without a car. I'm willing to let him use MY car for a while but I have to wait until I have a job before I can loan him the car cuz I'm not sure if I'll need it to drive MYSELF to work. I'd like to be able to use public transportation but at this point, I'm not being picky about location. I just need a freakin' job. So this is starting to take its toll on us. We haven't give up hope...but it's starting to depress the hell out of both of us that we can't visit as often as we used to cuz neither of us has any money.

So um...yeah, anytime you need someone to talk to about this distance shit, I know ALL about it. :S

2002-08-20 05:12:35 ET

Thank you. I talked to ZeN a few times. I wrote him a letter, one day I was bored and wrote an entry entitled " Anyone want a letter"...haha..I wrote 13 letters, but anyway. He was one I wrote a letter too. I didn't know you two were dating. Oh yeah, nevermind, I remember reading it. Don't mind me I'm alittle slow these days, I have what they call youngtimers. AJ and I are only like 30/40 miles apart and thats kinda hard, I couldn't see me handling 300 miles. We've been together for almost 2 years. It'll be 2yrs January 5th. We are both still in high school, and graduate not this year, but the next. It sucks. Because not only do we have to be far apart, we have to attend different schools, and then he has to get a job. I threw a fit last night cause he didnt say I love you back..he was like like nite and logged off. So when he gets a job I'm gunna freak out the 1st time he says " No, you can't come down this week or next I have to study and I have work" Becuase even though I know all that now, when it comes to that time, I'll interpert it as " No. NiCole, I have more important and better things to do than spend time with you". Even though I know thats wrong, thats how my mind works. It fucks with me.

2002-08-20 19:11:17 ET

Well you have to stop taking that personally. Guys are like that - they figure we KNOW they love us so they don't feel like they have to say it all the time. Trust me, he loves you or he wouldn't be with you. As for when he gets a job, the best thing you can do is respect his time and his schedule. Love is great but it won't pay the bills, you know? You should be glad you have such a good, responsible guy! He could easily be a slacker but then how could he take you out to dinner and treat you like the goddess you are? ;) So I say just chill. If you feel like you're gonna be upset, talk to a friend or something instead of getting mad at AJ. Sometimes we all have to do certain things to survive and you shouldn't be upset with him for that. It sounds like you have a great guy. Don't let your insecurities or jealousies push him away, OK? I'm always available to talk about it if you need to. :)

2002-08-20 19:27:39 ET

Well I think it's a dilemma. I don't think Punk Kitten really cares about restaurants and all that hogwash. Money doesn't buy love, and yet love doesn't pay the bills. Even when I was working, I'm still the type who would propose to someone using a soda can tab and cook homemade candlelit dinners. If you need money to be in love then there's a problem.

But yeah, I would agree to respect the fact he's working and all that. We could all be so lucky to find jobs. You have no idea how many phone calls and places I've been to the past month trying to just get a shit $9.50/hr job. I'm taking my road test in a few weeks... and that was an adventure on it's own just to get this far. When he has a car and you can see each other 4 times a week, it'll be worth those few months of sacrifice. I'm not pulling any holier than thou bullshit, but if anyone knows about committment and sacrifice, it's TeRRoR and myself.

I know completly how you feel though. I'm trapped in a small town with no car, and my girlfriend lives 300 miles away... and she goes away every weekend up to Salem while I stay at home. As depressing as it is, you just have to ask yourself 2 questions.

1. Are they worth it to you to endure the pain of missing them as opposed to not having them?... and 2. Do you trust them? If you can answer yes to both of those, then you'll be fine. If not, then it's a waste of time and energy.

But seeing as you've made it almost 2 years, I don't see a problem there.

2002-08-20 19:51:39 ET

TeRRoR= Yes, I know. And he knows how I will act, even though I don't want to, I will. And I really don't care about the restraunt crap, cause we've never ate out before. Never had a real date. See, somethings bother me, he has and engagment ring for me, that he was yet to make payments on. He babysat his lil brother alot and had enough money to by 5 of those rings ( i know how much it is) and you know where all the money went? ...to his band... I didn't throw a fit about it, but I just kept wondering what his proirities were. It didn't make me feel all the great. My birthday, he got me nothing, valentines day, nothing, christmas he got some songs off the net that were my favorites and made me 2 CDs. And sometimes I know he doesn't have money, but on my birthday, he had enough money to go to a show 3 hours away, but not enough money to get me a present let alone a card, I would've been delighted and thrilled to have a card.

ZeN= I am going to try to respect his time working and all, but its gunna be hard for awhile. $ 9.50/hr jobs!? around here its $5.25/hr.

thank you both..

2002-08-21 21:38:22 ET

Oh I didn't mean that you should rate him by the kind of dates he takes you on. I just meant, most guys feel a certain pride by working and being able to support themselves. Men like to be independent. Some also like to assert their pride by taking their women out to nice places. That's all I meant.

I didn't realize your b/f was in a band. From what you've written, it sounds like the band is his first priority. I've spent enough time in the music scene to know that you should NEVER make a guy choose between you and his band/music. Trust me, you'll always lose in the end. I'd never ask ZeN to choose me over his music because I know how important it is to him. But he also knows he needs a roof over his head and money to pay for equipment so that means he needs a job. And he's been busting his ass to get one. I'm even loaning him my car for a few months so he can get to work since he doesn't live near public transportation and I do. He's willing to pay the insurance payments on it since he's the one who is gonna be driving it for a while, otherwise I'm not sure I could even afford to keep it. I'd probably have to take it off the road for a few months otherwise so it works out for both of us - he gets a car and I get a break from paying insurance on a car I don't even drive that much. Anyway...back to the band thing - ZeN has put his music/band thing on hold for now cuz he's gonna be busy working and eventually move here to Boston, but fortunately we have a lively music scene so I'm confident he'll be able to find 2 other people with the same ideas to start a band with. As long as he can pay his share of the bills, I don't care what he does in his free time as long as he's happy and doing what he loves. But if your b/f is too self-absorbed and spending more time and money on his band than you, then yes, you might have a problem and if I were you, I'd talk to him about it. You need to make sure your priorities are the same. Better to find out now rather than later, you know? I hope you two can make it ANOTHER 2 years, I really do. He's pretty hot! :)

2002-08-22 07:12:02 ET

Yeah. I don't try to have him make a decision, just sometimes it frustrates me. Sometimes it gets to the point where we don't even have a minute alone together, but thats usually alittle bit before a show. And I understand all of that. I support him, I'm that eh, band/groupie type of g/f. I take the pictures and sell the merch, while they are playing or out in the crowd listening to the other bands and moshing and all the good stuff. Sometimes he gets reallt irritable before a show. For that whole month up until the date of the show, he'll be like a real asshole sometimes. Thats mostly because his band don't help him making the patches and CDs and shit. He wont let me help though. In July they had a show. Well I knew he was getting frustrated with things and shit, so I wanted to take him with me for alittle break, so My parents took me him, my lil bro and his g/f to a amusment park in Altoona,PA. It didn't work so well. He wouldn't ride any rides with me, he rode like 4. He just sat around being all pissy. All he did the whole time was think about how he could be finishing up the CD covers instead of being at a amusement park with me. His friend Tony and his g/f showed up. And we were walking around with them, and they wanted to ride this one ride and so did I, well at first he was going to ride it, then he wouldn't so, I kinda begged alittle, and he said no, and stormed off. Made me feel like a real ass in front of his friends and all. They were like " Lets go find him. We'll go with you" so it took a half an hour to find him. Then him and I went to the picnic area to talk, and he flipped out on me for bring him and stuff and just about made me cry. And I said " AJ stop it" he was like " No, why should I stop?!" I said " AJ, just knock it the fuck off, I brought you here to take your mind off of things, too keep you from being really stressed" he was like " Well it was a fuckin stupid idea and just being here with you is making me more stressed." that kinda made me feel horrible so he was still yelling about things and people were walking by staring, and I was like " AJ, don't make me cry here. OK my idea was stupid, you hate it, we'll never do anyting agian besides sit in your room, watch movies and have sex!" ...after awhile things got worked out. But thats what I deal with when his band is close to a show. He gets really pissy with me. I mean its ok, when we are in a room by ourselves talking it out. But not infront of people.
Yeah., but anyway..I will not make him choose, I know its very important to him. he always tells me their are 2 important things in his life that keep him going everyday me and music. I will talk it out with him. I hope we make it another 2 years too. You think AJs hot?

2002-08-24 05:33:33 ET

Irritable before a show? I'm the total opposite. However, with the last band I was in, Bass Oddity... I would be quite cranky after band practice. That was my 5th band... and in all the past bands (Chicken Drive By, Who Killed Bambi, 7th Extension and Sadist Society) I either ONLY played guitar or sang. Never both. Nor was I the songwriter really. We all kinda chipped in. But with this one, it was alot different. Alot of the problems were my own growing pains. I'd just developed into I guess a songwriter... writing the music, words, melodies, guitar riffs and doing it all at the same time. Then I started writing the bass lines and even instructing the drummer on the timing and everything. And I would get very pissy, because I just matured and it seemed everything around me was going to slow.

The mind of a musician is always in conflict... so it's no surprise they can be very erractic at times. Somedays I have 7 riffs and melodies jumping through my head that i just can't write down fast enough, other days I can't pick a single note. Some days what I think is fun I'm not in the mood for. So I'm sure A.J. has a similar mindset. It's not that he was trying to be mean I don't think... it's hard to deal with sometimes.

It's good that you support him so much. Never call yourself groupie though. There's a big difference between dating a person in a band and a groupie. Self respect of course one of them. But yea, it's good that you support him though... because I can tell you, being in a band, you'll have alot of assholes trying to be your friend and leeching on you... and in the end, it's always the ones that were there from the beginning that you're the most loyal too.

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