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2002-09-11 12:32:11 ET
AJ can read me. He can read me well. He told me all he has to do is look in my eyes and he can tell how I'm feeling. And when we talking online, just the way I "say" (type) he can tell there is something wrong. So when he told me his little "plan" for the weekend, it upset me. And he knew it. After awhile he got it out of me, what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to seem selfish. He told me it didn't sound selfish and he understood how I felt. When Clay has a g/f he never takes time from seeing her to have practice, but AJ always had to take time from me. And I hated that. Then Clay got a g/f friend this summer. And he was away at her house in New Freedom, PA, never once gave any of us a phone call or an e-mail. So I was not "neglected" so to speak, for AJ to have practice. I was pretty much spoiled in a affectionate sence. Thats the only way some one can spoil me is with affection, because growing up I hardly got affection. So as the summer went on, as you seen from my entries, I'd spend anywhere from 2 days to a week at his house. Now its hard enough trying to deal with not seeing him that much, I get to see him maybe once every 2/3 weeks, where it was once or a few times everyother week..or every week. So when he and I make plans for me to come up on a weekend, I expect to spend as much time as possible with him those 2 days, and not be pawned off the next day for a band member. And the reason why being pawned off bugs me so much, is because Clay and AJ had practice last weekend, that is why I couldn't go up and see AJ, because he was busy. Well he told me he wasen't going to be busy this weekend, thats why we made plans for me to stay. I was expecting to stay 2 days, but appearently AJ was thinking different.....
And with telling him, I have trouble telling people how I feel, its so hard for me. No one understands how that can be so hard, but for me it is. I've held in feelings of anger and sadness since I was 5. And I stopped telling people how I felt when I was 9 or 10 because people never seemed to give a shit, theyd say " well you act like your life is so hard, look at your brother, your life is easy". These people didn't know me, how could they be saying that? they didn't know how I lived. So after all of that I built up a pattern, where I hold things in til I can take anymore and just take it out on everyone in my path. When I want to cry, I can't. And that frustrates me.
Two weekends ago, I went to stay at my friend Krystals, AJ knew there was something wrong with me. So Krystal let his house leaving us alone, hoping I'd tell him what was wrong. It took me and hour to tell him what was wrong. And I cried for another hour. There are only 2 times AJ has ever seen me cry like that.
So as I was saying, its hard for me to tell people things. Thats was another reason I want to spend all my time with AJ on the weekend, he is how I release things, he is the place I feel comfortable, he is the only shoulder I can cry on and just let it all go til there is no tears left. Going to see him is a good thing, I get away from my house and go to my "home". My house is just this place full of hate , anger , and bitterness that I must live in until I graduate. My home, well my home is AJs house, being around his family, and him and Hyndman where my best friend is makes me the happiest little girl in the world. His family, how they must be in at a certian time to eat, and how they ACTULLY cares about each other, well its good to be around that. Not just that, but they care about me too. I have people that care about me alot, and have only knowen me a year and5/6 months. These are the reasons I want to be with AJ all weekend.
This has the reasons I sometimes don't tell him how I feel, it explains why I am like that, and this says why I feel I'm selfish if I say some of this too him. |
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