2002-09-10 18:04:23 ET

Fuck this shit! Clay just came back AJ had practice with him last weekend, thats why I couldn't go down. Well we made plans for me to come down this weekend, cause I haven't seen him for 2 weeks...3 weeks if you count not being alone. And now hes making this plan where I stay friday, than he gets rid of me ssaturday to pick up clay so clay can stay and they can practice! I fuckin hate it! I hate the fact he has a band, and I'm always put second seat to his band! It may sound selfish but I hate it! The reason I hate it, is because of the above reason! I wouldn't have made plans if he hadn't asked if I wanted to come down this weekend! He tells me how much he misses me, but then it seems that hes gunna get rid of me as fast as he can, can't miss me if hes playing in his band!..god ! I hate this!!..

Am I being selfish?

i just want to cry..but I can't...

2002-09-10 18:08:34 ET

no, he should always put you first no matter what

2002-09-10 18:10:39 ET

well sometimes it doesn't work like that..

2002-09-10 18:12:21 ET

it should

2002-09-10 18:16:15 ET

I think just about every girl wants there boyfriend to be with them most of the time... and its true it can't be like that.. but hell you haven't seen him in two weeks. This is my opinion but you shouldn't be second but 1st... If it doesn't work out like that then he should make more time for you. If you want to cry you should.. ifs better to let things out.

2002-09-10 18:16:22 ET

....not when your significant other is in a band..

2002-09-10 18:20:12 ET

My ex used to be in a band... and he used to travel all over the place... I can tell that you love him alot... Because you keep making escuses for him... But if other people can manage to do the things they do anything is possible.

2002-09-10 18:22:09 ET

dont worry nicole it will all work out in the end =)

2002-09-10 18:22:24 ET

Sometimes when I get to seem him..its only 3 hours..out of 2 weekss..

2002-09-10 18:27:53 ET

How long have you been dating?

2002-09-10 18:28:29 ET

for fucking ever

2002-09-10 18:32:18 ET


2002-09-10 18:39:38 ET

1yr 8months and 5 days

2002-09-10 18:52:55 ET

my last relationship I was in was 3yrs 6 mnths and 2 weeks....
He got 2 possesive and jealous so I broke it off with him.. I got afraid of him... That later on in life he might hurt me... This on im in now is 3 months...^.^... I love him alot...

2002-09-10 18:55:04 ET

hmm..well AJ and I plan on being together for along time...this is just alittle problem...

2002-09-10 18:56:33 ET

hey listen suicide she knows(i am her b/f) thats right

2002-09-10 18:58:41 ET

Why is it a problem?

2002-09-10 18:59:28 ET


2002-09-10 22:16:37 ET

I was once married to a musican (and dated a few), the touring was very hard. Unless at some point it can be worked out so you can go with him, but that might make things worse. Sometimes to much time together can be more of a problem then to little.

Have you told him how much this effects you? If not you need to.
Plus I know from my side, being an artist, your creative side can take over and cause you to be a bit distant from those around you. I have a hard time having a b/f, because when I get into a groove and start creating, I tend to push things aside (other then my kids, so of course a b/f would end up at the bottom of my list). If you can come to an understanding, on both side, then it shouldn't turn into a bigger problem.

2002-09-11 12:32:11 ET

AJ can read me. He can read me well. He told me all he has to do is look in my eyes and he can tell how I'm feeling. And when we talking online, just the way I "say" (type) he can tell there is something wrong. So when he told me his little "plan" for the weekend, it upset me. And he knew it. After awhile he got it out of me, what was wrong. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to seem selfish. He told me it didn't sound selfish and he understood how I felt. When Clay has a g/f he never takes time from seeing her to have practice, but AJ always had to take time from me. And I hated that. Then Clay got a g/f friend this summer. And he was away at her house in New Freedom, PA, never once gave any of us a phone call or an e-mail. So I was not "neglected" so to speak, for AJ to have practice. I was pretty much spoiled in a affectionate sence. Thats the only way some one can spoil me is with affection, because growing up I hardly got affection. So as the summer went on, as you seen from my entries, I'd spend anywhere from 2 days to a week at his house. Now its hard enough trying to deal with not seeing him that much, I get to see him maybe once every 2/3 weeks, where it was once or a few times everyother week..or every week. So when he and I make plans for me to come up on a weekend, I expect to spend as much time as possible with him those 2 days, and not be pawned off the next day for a band member. And the reason why being pawned off bugs me so much, is because Clay and AJ had practice last weekend, that is why I couldn't go up and see AJ, because he was busy. Well he told me he wasen't going to be busy this weekend, thats why we made plans for me to stay. I was expecting to stay 2 days, but appearently AJ was thinking different.....

And with telling him, I have trouble telling people how I feel, its so hard for me. No one understands how that can be so hard, but for me it is. I've held in feelings of anger and sadness since I was 5. And I stopped telling people how I felt when I was 9 or 10 because people never seemed to give a shit, theyd say " well you act like your life is so hard, look at your brother, your life is easy". These people didn't know me, how could they be saying that? they didn't know how I lived. So after all of that I built up a pattern, where I hold things in til I can take anymore and just take it out on everyone in my path. When I want to cry, I can't. And that frustrates me.

Two weekends ago, I went to stay at my friend Krystals, AJ knew there was something wrong with me. So Krystal let his house leaving us alone, hoping I'd tell him what was wrong. It took me and hour to tell him what was wrong. And I cried for another hour. There are only 2 times AJ has ever seen me cry like that.

So as I was saying, its hard for me to tell people things. Thats was another reason I want to spend all my time with AJ on the weekend, he is how I release things, he is the place I feel comfortable, he is the only shoulder I can cry on and just let it all go til there is no tears left. Going to see him is a good thing, I get away from my house and go to my "home". My house is just this place full of hate , anger , and bitterness that I must live in until I graduate. My home, well my home is AJs house, being around his family, and him and Hyndman where my best friend is makes me the happiest little girl in the world. His family, how they must be in at a certian time to eat, and how they ACTULLY cares about each other, well its good to be around that. Not just that, but they care about me too. I have people that care about me alot, and have only knowen me a year and5/6 months. These are the reasons I want to be with AJ all weekend.

This has the reasons I sometimes don't tell him how I feel, it explains why I am like that, and this says why I feel I'm selfish if I say some of this too him.

2002-09-11 12:33:42 ET

wow..that was long.. sorry if it seems to go in circles and sometimes doesn't make since...

2002-09-11 13:08:07 ET

you will be happy when their band gets good and he makes money and buys you stuff. oh yes, stuff...

2002-09-11 13:11:06 ET

Not really. It would be wierd if he started buying me things. Anyway, I'd rather have people make things for me than buy things for me. Like I told AJ one day " I'd rather have you go pick me a bunch of flowers instead of buying me flowers" ....things mean more too me that way..

2002-09-11 14:07:43 ET

things mean more to everyone that way cola....

2002-09-11 15:58:18 ET

hahaha, yeah. but i wouldnt want someone to go make me a guitar or something...

2002-09-11 16:16:29 ET


2002-09-11 17:22:12 ET

haha..yeah..well thats exceptional Michael. Certain things are better bought than made.

2002-09-11 18:34:16 ET

Yea... it's more from the heart that way.. ^.^

2002-09-11 18:34:45 ET

except a guitar.

2002-09-11 18:35:09 ET


2002-09-11 18:43:43 ET


2002-09-12 04:22:41 ET

i like when my mom bakes me cakes, hahahahahaha.

2002-09-12 06:58:52 ET

Oh yes!

2002-09-12 11:12:25 ET

i like when my mom gets off her ass to go get me a dr pepper

2002-09-12 13:16:43 ET

I'd like it if one day my mom would actully make me some god damn food instead of saying " Oh yeah, feed you. Like you wash the dishes, right?" " I'm not cooking you anything!" "Starve!"

2002-09-12 14:35:55 ET

damn. thats when you buy a box of ramen noodles.

2002-09-12 14:37:22 ET

mmmmmm ramen noodles

and they're pro cooked or uncooked!

2002-09-12 16:50:15 ET

hey so whats up ladies and genltemen?
Food... *grrrr* oops sorry!

2002-09-12 17:14:23 ET


2002-09-12 18:03:16 ET


2002-09-13 09:37:27 ET

YAH~ hes red everybody!

2002-09-14 11:36:33 ET


2002-09-14 12:42:03 ET

woo hoo!

2002-09-14 13:30:27 ET

to every one here BOOOOO!

2002-09-14 15:11:25 ET


2002-09-15 10:56:19 ET

Oh my

2002-09-15 14:55:36 ET

oh yeah thats great!

2002-09-15 17:27:51 ET


2002-09-17 12:45:25 ET

Umm.. yes.. I'll think I'll stop talking on this one now..

2002-09-17 19:54:14 ET

hehe heheh

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