weekend/ today/ thoughts
2002-09-22 17:58:14 ET

Krystal, AJ, and Brian came and got me at 6. We went to the mall, then to bobs, and then back to hyndman. AJ& I went to his house. Talked alot, he held me. Made out alot. Had sex 3 times. Talked alot. Smoked some cigarettes under the stars. went to bed at 2am.
Got AJ up at 9. We hung out. I got a shower. Then I went with Krystal and he went to Tonys. Me Krystal and Brian went to get our stuff to start on our faerie costumes. Still need to get more. Came back to Hyndman 6 hours later. Went to Brians. I made the wing frames. Added material to left side of my wings. Krystal and I went to AJs. Clay ,AJ me and Krystal talked. Not in good mood really didn't say much of anything. Krystal and I went to her house at 11. I was very upset, bawling, we talked. laid in bed talking until after 3 am.
Woke up at 10:45. Krystal and I ate cake for breakfast, drank some pepsi. She got a shower. I wrote AJ a note. We went to AJs, Krystal and Clay left. Me and AJ talked in his room. Made me feel better as well as him. Figured out why we can't go one weekend when I come down with out some sort of fight. Clay and Krystal came. We all hung out and talked. Krystal and I went to pick up Brian from work. Wen to his house, sewed material on wing frame. Krystal took me to her house to get my shit. Then took me to AJs. Clay took AJ to Brians them me and Clay went home to little shit ol' Mount Savage. Then I listened to a bunch of shit. And here I am...

Thoughts and Reflecting:
I am a stranger to myself. I'm not me anymore. When I look in the mirror anymore I don't reconize myself. I'm a angry bitter person, who holds all feelings in until the boiling point,releases it on the boifriend for no reason, hides feelings with fake smiles and phony laughs. Thats not me. Thats not how I'm suppose to be or who I am or was. What happened to NiCole, the one always giggly , happy, could help her self, solve her own problems as well as others, seen everything open-mindedly, supportive of others, hyper? What happened to her?
I'm so confused anymore. I don't know how to feel, react, or what to say or what to do. Everything sucks. I can't ..I dont......I...I...Idon't know what I'm suppose to do. I don't know where I went. I don't know whats wrong, when the change began, when it will end, when it will get better, how to deal with everything. I'm lost inside myself. I'm a stranger to myself. I cant find....anything........
I can't help myself. I can't solve my own problems. I don't know how, I forgot how to doall of that. I....I'm....I'm just ..lost...

2002-09-22 18:14:11 ET

awww NiCole, i will always love you no matter what!! and if you ever i mean EVER need to talk...IM me or have me call you..i will call you no matter what time it is ok. i love you and hope you feel better =)

2002-09-23 11:34:04 ET

Thank you Cyndi..

2002-09-26 18:31:58 ET

I know what you meant in that last part. I get that way too. It's part of the process of evolving...transitions are painful. Think of these moods as "growing pains." :) I'm always here for ya too, sweetie. (K)

2002-09-26 18:54:55 ET

thank you. Those are some awful growing pains..I'm gunng tell AJ that " shut up! these are my growing pains fucker!!" haha..

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