Trying to breathe

ShinyStar 2005-12-08 05:57:53 ET 10:45AM Been apart somewhere in the vicinity of 4 days. God, it hurts to breathe. School is such a blessed distraction. Maybe will go to Wilkes-barre with Kel on Saturday. So nice to have an understanding friend. Couldn't have asked for a better placement. People here are so nice. Slept better last night. The Tia Marie and pure exhaustion helped. Wonder if he's in 1/2 as much pain as me. I did everything I could. I just couldn't give anymore. Wonder if he knows it's his fault. Wonder if he cares how much I tried. I tried. God, I tried so hard to keep it together and in the end, I just wasn't strong enough. Wonder if he feels the weight of the world, now, just like I did for all those months. Does he even know that it's all on his shoulders now; his turn to carry the burden of trying to make it work? I wonder if he'll even show up like he said it would. (Major points for his character if he does...) I hope he does. I can't believe how much we've lost...it just doesn't seem fair. Dealing with the gut wrenching pain most of the time, some of the time just completely numb. Wonder if that's how it's supposed to be. Can you die from a broken heart? If I die, and I think I might, when the cut me open, I swear that they will find just shattered bits all floating around inside. I hate living like this. It hurts so much, every day. My first instinct when something goes wrong is to run to him. And, now this...I can't. It sucks. I wish he really were the person I thought he was. I loved him so much. If I can just keep breathing through the pain, I might make it out on the other side. I hate to think of life without him. It seems so empty and void of happiness, but then, that is without the person he pretended to be. Can he ever really be that person? Can he ever really make my dreams come true. Maybe he should sell that ring; pay off his debts, save a little, get his life in order and call me when he's on his feet. What a huge order.... Just have to wait and see I could just die.

samita 2005-12-08 08:01:34 ET I was in a place like you for a long time. It's awful and I wish I could say something to help, but words are so thin at times like these. Sometimes you just have to keep telling yourself that it'll work out in the end, to have faith. If you tell yourself that enough times, you can almost believe it. It may not be much, but sometimes you can make the little things bigger than the world. <3 I'm sorry.

ShinyStar 2005-12-08 10:34:44 ET Your empathy is much needed and appreciated. Thank you. Thank you, you kind, kind soul.

samita 2005-12-08 11:03:25 ET Anytime. It's a hard thing to deal with. My way of dealing, well.. might not have been the best, but it worked for me. Sometimes you have to make part of yourself go numb and dead until the big stuff passes. And just keep telling yourself that it will pass, it will get better, the sun will come up tomorrow. Make it your mantra. <3 and tea helps everything as well.

MattHolck 2005-12-08 13:00:00 ET Draem's usually don't come true. That is their nature. The most one can provide is company and perhaps some assistance.

ShinyStar 2005-12-08 18:27:32 ET My good work friend keeps sending me notes that say: "you will get through this." and "things will get better, I promise." It's that kind of certainty that are keeping me going right now. Seriously. If it weren't for her and her optimism, I think I would just sit and stare. You guys are really great. Believe it or not, you're helping too. Thanks so much. Really. Thanks for the support. I need that kind of certainty in my life right now. :o/

samita 2005-12-12 06:19:55 ET Not a problem. I know it's a shoddy place to be in. But really, things do get better. <3

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