Why I hate My Tongue (a.k.a. Oh Dear God We Ate It)
2005-11-15 03:32:18 ET

So yesterday was the day of "holy fuck i can still taste it make it stop" foodstuffs. We managed to pull off not one, not two, but three disgusting items of 'nourishment' at the gathering for the baby's birthday last night, all of which resulted in lots of screaming, convulsing over how bad it tasted, and then trying to get other people to try it in an attempt to spread the suffering around a bit, since misery loves company and it's much funnier to watch someone ELSE choke on the things you've just eaten than it is to do so yourself.

Item 1: An energy drink of unknown origins, purchased at Walgreens. It's tall, has a green can, and looked like a beer. It's also apparently half energy drink and half sports drink, which resulted in whole disgust by all four members of the party when we passed it around the car on the way home. This thing tasted like someone had pissed in Kool-Aid, tossed a ginseng root in it, and blended, I kid you not. Accompanied by a sugar-free Bawls energy drink on my side, it was possibly the second worst thing I have ever done to my taste buds short of trying the grasshoppers, which is a story for another time. So yes. Don't drink $2.50 sportsenergy crap in green cans. Ever.

Item 2: Expired (we think) Amp energy drink, purchased at the Jewel on Howard Street. As someone who didn't believe that anything with that much caffeine in it could do anything short of ferment and explode, this one came as a shock, and was also tasted while driving. Fortunately, I did not crash the car, but it was rough going for a minute there, believe me. This was one of Claw's choices, and it was just...ugh. It was seriously the result of a gangbang between Red Bull, Mountain Dew, and paint thinner, and that's the nice description. I can't post the other one, it's too raunchy even for me.

Item 3: Saved the best--at least story-wise--for last. So, the can of Spotted Dick that we bought and that I raved over? We ate it, or at least as much as we could stomach, and it was...oh God, it was the worst thing EVER. Grasshoppers were better, Green ener-sports drink was better, grasshoppers in the goddamn ener-sports drink would have been better. It opened, and the scent assailed us in WAVES. Brave souls that we are, we still popped it in the microwave, nuked it for the requisite two minutes, and then stared at it for the two-minute cooling down period, while trying to plan our attack. Having settled on whipped cream, milk, sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla as our saving grace toppings, we took the top bowl off the container.

Dear, sweet zombie jesus, the smell. I have never hated synaesthesia so much as I did at the moment we took that damn second bowl off. After giving it a try bare-bones, for which I think Claw and I get at least accolades, if not laurels, we piled on sugar, cinnamon, whipped cream, and milk until there were more condiments than there was pudding, which was a good thing, because when I accidentally got through the outer strata and into the center of the beast, I had to swallow, bounce, and chug so much of my Sobe 'No Fear' that I almost drowned. Poor Claw, on the other hand, was trying to be stoic, without much success...sentences of the night: "you know, actually, this isn't that bad...I thought it would be much worse...[get a bite of inner strata]...Oh. There it is. [choke. die.]"

The Spotted Dick incident ended with a long-winded rant about the Irish, and their love of bad food, beer made in whiskey barrels, and sheep-fucking (I'm Scottish, we do the same damn things, just without the potatoes. I can say this stuff.), and Claw nearly choking on what was left of the horrible mess as a very tired, very hyperactive Leeloo went into Rant Mode.

I don't remember 90 percent of what I said, which is probably for the best.

On the other hand, I can still taste the damn pudding, which is definitely not.

I'm thinking of having my tongue removed. T_T

2005-11-15 10:16:09 ET

So... let's get this straight. You bought something called 'spotted dick' and expected it to *not* be vile? Tut tut.

2005-11-16 19:30:14 ET

Heh...Well, yes. Actually, to be more precise, I bought something from the "British" section of the world foods aisle and held out some hope for it, which is even more foolish. I had thought that perhaps they ate it because it tasted decent.

That'll learn me...the only good foodstuff I've found from that island so far is shortbread, and I think it's the Scots fault, not the Britons. >.<

2005-11-16 21:36:35 ET

Silly girl. Finding good british food is like finding a nice, tanned brit with a good jawline. You won't.

2005-11-16 22:33:07 ET

*laughing* Point taken.

How about Irish food?

2005-11-17 14:36:25 ET

When properly served, it doesn't matter what Irish food tastes like, because in all rights, you should be too drunk to tell. I heart stereotypes.

2005-11-19 01:43:48 ET

heh...we live on an island with a limited # of trees. We can build houses--or beer barrels.


<3 <3 <3

Hey, the Scots have haggis and sheep. Beer's not so bad by comparison.

2005-11-19 15:20:02 ET

Hee hee hee. Why do Scots wear kilts?

2005-11-20 19:15:11 ET


I dunno, why do Scots wear kilts?

2005-11-20 22:21:11 ET

'Cause sheep can hear a zipper a mile off.

2005-11-23 10:55:49 ET

Oohhh...christ....that was horrible.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say "hey, you, get offa my cloud."
The Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!"

2005-11-23 21:37:31 ET


Did you know, if you put a sheep's back feet in a gumboot, it can't get away?

2005-11-24 14:54:11 ET


Really? That would have made things easier..

err. *cough*

Seriously, though, poor sheep, especially the Scottish and Falkland Island ones...they shear them, sleep with them, and then eat them.

The poor things are either cold, tired, or dead. On the other hand, mint jelly is thereby cheap and plentiful! Huzzah!

2005-11-25 06:25:05 ET

You know...

This might just explain why those Scots and the like are so wooly...

2005-11-25 14:24:10 ET

According to my more "hardcore" (read: fresh off the boat) Scottish family members, if a man ain't hairy, he ain't a man.

I find myself tending to disagree. On the other hand, they all have REAAALLY long red hair, which is gorgeous.

The fact that it almost seems to grow into one looong bit of body hair with the stuff on their chest, however, is not so much.

On the other hand, maybe they just carry around a "pocket sheep"?

2005-11-25 22:37:52 ET

This is making a semi-disturbing mental image. Sort of reminiscent of a flaming ape.

2005-11-25 22:38:52 ET

Oho! With Dragonball-esque hair.

2005-11-26 02:53:02 ET

...I absolutely love the minute lapse between those two comments, because it lets me know you were STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.

Also: that is an incredibly scarring mental image. And "flaming ape" is fairly appropriate where many of my Scottish relatives are concerned. XD

2005-11-26 09:20:19 ET

Notice it was exactly one minute. I have British relatives, and I'm sure you can guess how one can tell.

2005-11-27 14:58:21 ET

heh...well, having Brits as relatives also, the way ~*I*~ used to tell was a general fear of all gray foods.

Also, if the words "mushy peas" send you into traumatized convulsions. ;-)

2005-11-27 20:05:25 ET

It's the brussels sprouts that always get me. You don't cook vegetables as long as a roast, you know.

2005-11-27 21:16:25 ET

So they say. And yet...somehow brussel sprouts still come out looking like gray matter from squirrels

2005-11-27 22:42:31 ET

Nah, squirrel skulls are far too small to contain one of those wads of plant matter. Maybe a cat?

2005-11-28 01:29:05 ET

That would be like the uber-nightmare-brusselsprout of the world. Maybe something smaller...a gopher, perhaps.

(sidenote: post more in your blog, goshdarnit!)

2005-11-28 11:23:43 ET

You know... I don't think I've ever actually seen a gopher! I feel so deprived.

(sidenote: I would, but I'm boring as all hell! Noone cares that I slept until 1 today and ate turkey last night, or wants to hear my dish-pit related stories :P)

2005-11-28 22:23:34 ET

You ARRRRE. Go google them, darnit. And then help me figure out if their brain size would be appropriate to compare to that of aforementioned brussel sprouts.

(Sidesidenote: Well ~I~ care, darnit. Tell dream stories or other weirdness.:-p )

2005-11-29 07:08:16 ET

No, gopher brains must be too small. But, then, I'm used to giant brussels sprouts nearly the size of golf balls.

(sidenote on the sidenote: There! I did one. 'Appy? We'll see what else I can come up with.)

2005-11-29 16:36:15 ET

Damn. We shall have to find a mammal whose brain will match up, although I have to tell you that as yet golf-ball sized brussel sprouts have not joined the lexicon of my existence.

And yes, happy about the blog, though not the content. Although it seems to be okay enough that I am not too terribly worried. Apologies on the necessity of going to a funeral, though, hon.

I send you many hugs.

2005-11-29 20:18:08 ET

Hurrah for hugs! I have to go escort Loisha out to the garage to wrap Christmas presents, she thinks there's a bogey in there.

2005-12-01 04:03:40 ET

...and is she right?

If she is, hit it with a fire-poker. Or a bat. That's how I handle it, anyway.


2005-12-01 07:43:35 ET

Nah, it was just cold.

(me, I have muh sword for whackin' stuff)

2005-12-01 15:32:58 ET

hee hee hee...I has new toys for whacking stuff on their way to me as I type.


2005-12-01 18:43:50 ET

Like's what? Tell meeeee!

2005-12-02 23:16:48 ET

I got a pretty Celtic blade pocket knife that's showy but cute, and a Jungle military issue survival blade. I <3's them.

I'm looking at a blade-handled whip, too.

You like sharp things?

2005-12-03 08:27:45 ET

I lurrrrrrve them. I've got a rather low quality sword, but 'twas the best I could get at the time; a whole bunch of practical knives, and some impractical ones. I'm planning to get a pair of kukris made in a while. That, and I'm constantly fawning over Paul Chen's stuff.

2005-12-03 11:16:06 ET


I've got a wakazashi (not a great one), a very well-loved Smith & Wesson knife, and a couple of more decorative ones that sit, minorly played with, on my walls.

I love Chen's Hanwei Katanas...they're so ouch-looking...

2005-12-03 21:42:16 ET

I just loooove those Old Hickory kitchen knives. Heh.

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