2005-11-15 03:32:18 ET|
So yesterday was the day of "holy fuck i can still taste it make it stop" foodstuffs. We managed to pull off not one, not two, but three disgusting items of 'nourishment' at the gathering for the baby's birthday last night, all of which resulted in lots of screaming, convulsing over how bad it tasted, and then trying to get other people to try it in an attempt to spread the suffering around a bit, since misery loves company and it's much funnier to watch someone ELSE choke on the things you've just eaten than it is to do so yourself.
Item 1: An energy drink of unknown origins, purchased at Walgreens. It's tall, has a green can, and looked like a beer. It's also apparently half energy drink and half sports drink, which resulted in whole disgust by all four members of the party when we passed it around the car on the way home. This thing tasted like someone had pissed in Kool-Aid, tossed a ginseng root in it, and blended, I kid you not. Accompanied by a sugar-free Bawls energy drink on my side, it was possibly the second worst thing I have ever done to my taste buds short of trying the grasshoppers, which is a story for another time. So yes. Don't drink $2.50 sportsenergy crap in green cans. Ever.
Item 2: Expired (we think) Amp energy drink, purchased at the Jewel on Howard Street. As someone who didn't believe that anything with that much caffeine in it could do anything short of ferment and explode, this one came as a shock, and was also tasted while driving. Fortunately, I did not crash the car, but it was rough going for a minute there, believe me. This was one of Claw's choices, and it was just...ugh. It was seriously the result of a gangbang between Red Bull, Mountain Dew, and paint thinner, and that's the nice description. I can't post the other one, it's too raunchy even for me.
Item 3: Saved the best--at least story-wise--for last. So, the can of Spotted Dick that we bought and that I raved over? We ate it, or at least as much as we could stomach, and it was...oh God, it was the worst thing EVER. Grasshoppers were better, Green ener-sports drink was better, grasshoppers in the goddamn ener-sports drink would have been better. It opened, and the scent assailed us in WAVES. Brave souls that we are, we still popped it in the microwave, nuked it for the requisite two minutes, and then stared at it for the two-minute cooling down period, while trying to plan our attack. Having settled on whipped cream, milk, sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla as our saving grace toppings, we took the top bowl off the container.
Dear, sweet zombie jesus, the smell. I have never hated synaesthesia so much as I did at the moment we took that damn second bowl off. After giving it a try bare-bones, for which I think Claw and I get at least accolades, if not laurels, we piled on sugar, cinnamon, whipped cream, and milk until there were more condiments than there was pudding, which was a good thing, because when I accidentally got through the outer strata and into the center of the beast, I had to swallow, bounce, and chug so much of my Sobe 'No Fear' that I almost drowned. Poor Claw, on the other hand, was trying to be stoic, without much success...sentences of the night: "you know, actually, this isn't that bad...I thought it would be much worse...[get a bite of inner strata]...Oh. There it is. [choke. die.]"
The Spotted Dick incident ended with a long-winded rant about the Irish, and their love of bad food, beer made in whiskey barrels, and sheep-fucking (I'm Scottish, we do the same damn things, just without the potatoes. I can say this stuff.), and Claw nearly choking on what was left of the horrible mess as a very tired, very hyperactive Leeloo went into Rant Mode.
I don't remember 90 percent of what I said, which is probably for the best.
On the other hand, I can still taste the damn pudding, which is definitely not.
I'm thinking of having my tongue removed. T_T