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2005-11-19 01:53:36 ET Tonight is just melancholy, and since this is the page I whine on, here we go. I miss my mother. It's the holidays, and everywhere is Christmas crap, commercialized and bastardized, and all I can think of is that she's not going to be here this Christmas, or any Christmas, ever again. Never again will I watch her haul out of bed at 6am to laugh at us as we try to pry the stupid cats away from the tree. Never again will she help me stuff stockings, or wrap gifts. I'm on her computer, trying to find out why it's so damn slow, and I decide to search the downloads. "Finale_MyWill.zip" Fuck. I open it, not knowing what to expect, and find myself laughing in relief when I see it's an Inuyasha video for the closing theme. I'm laughing, laughing so hard that I don't have to read her will, to see that somehow she knew she was dying. I laughed till I cried. I can't stop crying. I'm forcing myself to be alone, here. I'm refusing help for the good of the people I love. I'm refusing help for the sake of never being dependent on anyone's guidance again...because she left me, when I needed her the most, and I'm lost without my mother, my best friend, and all her guidance. So I don't need help. Really. I don't. I just have to ignore the empty feeling in my chest, and I'll be fine. I can do this. I can do this. Right? |
