2005-12-20 02:37:30 ET|
Today was the beginning of everything awful. Not now, but one year ago, all of my work, my music, my photos, my life, was stolen, when my house was burglarized.
It was also the first time my mother really seemed scared. It was the last day she felt safe. It was the first day she cried to me about cancer. It was the day we watched her begin to die because there was nowhere sacred anymore and she just wanted to leave the whole place, to run.
I convinced her to stay. Hooray for me.
This night has become sort of a tombstone, for me. After tonight, my mother will begin getting sicker and sicker. She will barely laugh after this. She will always be afraid.
And tonight,I can't sleep. I'm inexplicably scared and childish again, afraid to be alone in my bed, so I just. won't. sleep.
Instead, I am sitting up and chatting with random, kind people, who I am getting to know frighteningly well in 4 hours, and pretending that I am not avoiding the bed behind me, and that tomorrow night is not going to suck.
I. Hate. This. Season. Or rather, I hate all the drama that's now living in it thanks to the last year of my life. I wish I could just not be sad, that I wasn't such a damned burden on everyone with my sadness. Instead, I am desperately seeking a connection with someone--anyone--at 6am, in order to not feel so alone. I miss arms around me...I miss living with someone, being able to just poke them until they waken, then weep at them till I get held.
And dammit, I miss my boyfriend. But you know what, he does so much for me all the time, and his family miss him, and at some point he'll get tired of me asking for him to be around because he gets frustrated with things quickly, even if they're important. And I,therefore, won't ask. I've been too high-maintenance as it is, whether that's my fault or not.
I wish, I really wish, that he'd want to come see ME. It gets...sad...having to ask all the time. I begin to feel unwanted for things other than...y'know. Bedtime companionship. And since he can do that when he wants and be satisfied without me there (whereas I suck at that, how's that for TMI?) he doesn't really need to ask me, seeing as he has hands.
Out of the two of us, I am definitely the one who needs more interaction. Trouble is, I have no idea how to ask, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know how to cope with it. He did wonderfully for, like, a day, the last time I asked him about it. I'm just not the type of person who can store it up in bursts, at least not this early in a relationship. I've prevailed on tons of friends (mine AND his) for a solution, and they all say: "tell him to call you everyday. Tell him you miss him, and this is how you are, and that you'll compromise on other things for him."
Easy for them to say, THEY won't lose him simply because the situation looks daunting to him. I will.
It's a pathetic lump I am this evening, yes. And tomorrow...well, today...there shall be shopping perpetrated, which I also dislike, but which must be done, because I want the people I love in the world to smile for me.
Argle bargle, what the hell is the matter with the universe? Someone hit the damn thing and make it run right, please.