Victory not Vengeance
2002-08-10 14:08:53 ET

Today I went and met my bestest friend in the world Ariel at the beach. We sat at Mike's Place (which is a shoreline pub) and drank beer. It was fun. It seems everyone is going all regressional. It seems that after 3 years compulsory service, all you wanna do is go back to 10th grade. Hmph. Anyways, so that was cool, later I went on to visit Granma, who's kinda alone since grandpa died...

On the way back Noa called and asked if I'd like to go grab a bite downtown Tel-Aviv at the Burger King (I dunno why BK). Anyway, we (Aya, Moshik, Noa and I) ended up going someplace else (yum! Pizza!).. That was yum. Uhm, fun.

These last two days have been rather hallucinatory for me. I haven't slept much this whole week, and I've been drinking pretty much daily. I don't geerally eat much anymore, so basically, I'm living off an alcohol diet, with sleep deprivation. I'm wondering if that has to do with these sudden feelings of uber-ickiness I'm getting all the time.

It's weird, a month ago I felt like I was on the brink of a personal breakthrough. Emotionally, artistically, spiritually, you name it. Now, I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, holding on for dear life.. And I don't know what's wrong with me.

:: Listening to: VNV Nation - Beloved ::

2002-08-10 15:32:48 ET

Did you go wonder the beach at all?
My grandfather passed year ago(I have no real time line so I am always surprized when I take the time to acknoledge time)....he was cremated right before my 20th.....

mmmmmm Pizza...

Stop drinking....I've been going through verry much the same feelings but avoiding doing that because I think that would throw me over the edge. I don't want that to happen to you. It's one thing to deprive your self of sleep...the body gennerally shuts you down before you can get too carried away....but in conjunction with drinking and not eating...nothing good can come of it. Sorry about going on mom like on you...but take care of your self...

As was I.....still trying to get back to that elevated mental state...I keep hoping I will return there, and am pushing myself further back daily....stupid cycles...grrr

2002-08-10 20:55:59 ET

i say you disconnect yewrself from the net.

and it`s time facing with the fact that you`re GAY!

(no, kidding :) )

2002-08-11 05:51:22 ET

Cambria: Nah, I'm not a beach-fun-in-the-sun kinda person. And yes, pizza is yummy (I think I've said that already ;)). About the drinking... Hmm.. While you do have a point there (this is so odd, I have these discussions with Mavetgoth as the other player), I just don't think it'll happen. I ain't gonna stop drinking in the near future, not because I don't know it's probably bad for me right now, but because I just don't want to stop. I'm not doing other drugs, this much I'm managing to hold on, because I'm damn certain I wouldn't be able to stop if I started. Hmm... Somehow I feel like alcohol is "legit" or.. uhh.. Socially acceptable is what I mean. And at any rate I don't drink alone. I've been imagining myself calling up old friends I never talk to so I can have someone to drink with... And the next step would be to make a 7-year-old-girl tea party with dolls, only to shoot some vodkas with my little "friends"... Heh heh.
And yeah, I've been storing up... stuff.. for some artwork, but nothing seems to be building in my mind... Not a complete image of what I want... Maybe I'll just start working and see how things develope as I go...

Noa: You should listen to your own advice. ;))

...... (I kid, I kid)...

2002-08-11 09:39:14 ET

you`re soooo dead.

2002-08-11 13:22:33 ET

Oh I didn't mean the beach during the day! I'm not a beach "fun in the sun" kinda person either. But I guess I missed the realization that you were over there during the day...

Well...good luck...and hang in there...

2002-08-13 07:06:31 ET

I say its the service getting to you. the clock is ticking, but the green pyjamas stay the same, know what I mean? I've been like that my entire 3rd year, and even got thrown out of command-like position by my ComBat (Magad). The best thing to do is not think about anything that has anything to do with the mundane, get some really good books and wait for the service to end

2002-08-13 07:15:26 ET

No green PJs for me (I wear Civi's).... And while it might be merely the army getting to me... I'm not sure it's only that...
Yesterday I spoke to a good friend of mine, Amir, who's a sterotypical tortured artist character... And he says that creativity waves for him too, and that it's perfectly normal... That I shouldn't put my finger on one thing that is the cause of it, and just "flow" with it till something comes along and changes things for me. I donno if that's the right approach, really, but it did put things into perspective. I do tend to mortify things into monolithic proportions,... And "focusing" on what I think my problems are won't necessarily help me solve them.

2002-08-13 07:17:35 ET

civies? ah the good life :) maybe its just a mini era you're passing then. and as I said a million times before MIKE'S RULEZZZ :)

2002-08-13 07:20:47 ET

Heh heh.. Mike's Place does rule.

2002-08-13 07:24:01 ET

there was a band there one night, with a female singer, they were real good and too young for a blues band too. but she refused to sing gershwin when I asked :(

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