Everytime I close my eyes, the noise inside me amplifies
2002-09-14 09:23:26 ET

I wrote such a nice chubby post, and it suddenly disappeared. Argh.

Anyway , so , uhm, yesterday had all the makings of a great day. But it wasn't great. It sucked.
Afternoon I went to this comics fare thingie with Lady Orion. It was this small crowded stand with some rarities, though not too much. Not enough Slave Labor for my liking, but I still coughed out 100 sheqels on John Mueller's Blood and Circus. I already have the first Oink series in a book I bought at Lambiek's last time I was in Amsterdam. (I'm definately going there again this October).
Anyways, so later we had some tea (yeah, ice tea :) ) at Starblachs, and I was off home. Yadda yadda yadda, tried connecting my computers in a network (did I lot of tangly work so I won't hafta dig holes in the walls, or have wires all over the house) but I ain't done yet. Later I met up with a friend of mine who came for a visit from Jerusalem (seems his girlfriend is outta the country, so he can spare time for as weee mortal friends). Did a lotta catchin' up. We met at the Mike's Place (didn't see Olorin though!), but then went out to the beach for some beers, amarettos, and to smoke some. By 1:00 I found myself at the Lilienblum (as usual). There was this weird vibe in the air. Everybody was drunk and uhhh.. Physical. Yeah. Made me kinda blue though. It might've been alcohol-weed-poppers induced, but I felt like the insecure, self-conscious low-self-esteem kid I was when I was 14. There was this girl who was blatantly coming on to me, and all I could physically do was run away. For no apparent reason. Blah. I need a girlfriend.
Besides that, I also had to drag a friend home (not two hours after she told me to fuck off). Yay me. I'm such a good samaritan. I hate this.

:: Listening to: Assemblage 23 - Awake (Imperative Reaction mix) ::


2002-09-14 09:27:09 ET

ok this has nothing to do with what you've posted but i just want to say that when i see your name i think of the song total eclipse of the heart...

2002-09-14 09:28:21 ET

aww...I'm sorry your day went so sour. I hope you feel better. I'm a very self-conscious person too. it sucks. I would've gotten a lot of things I wanted if I wasn't. so yeah. hey, I can be your internet girlfriend. :P

*hugs* I really do hope you feel better.

2002-09-14 09:35:12 ET

treason *vomiting from my ass* - Why not Anne Clark - Our Darkness Total Eclipse remix?

angel Thanks hon. I feel better already. :) I donno what came over me yesterday.. But it was evil. Pure evil. I do have avoidant tendencies.. It really bugs me. I try to be spontaneous n' just talk my mind without thinking about everything I'm gonna say.. Part of the reason why I drink and do drugs I suppose. I feel more easy-going. I really hated myself for a minute there yesterday when I couldn't bring myself to just...argh... be extrovert for once.

2002-09-14 09:39:13 ET

yeah...I have days like those. they suck. I try to just be crazy and enjoy myself and not think about anything going on in my life (part of the reason why I want to drink and do drugs more :P) but sometimes its just too hard. I'm a very self conscious person and I don't like being around people that often. when I get around my friends I feel so ugly and I just don't want to be anywhere but home. so yeah...it sucks...I feel really ugly today. ugh...

2002-09-14 12:51:35 ET

Mmmm. For me it's not an issue of ugly/beautiful. I don't even know what it is. I'm pretty confident in the way I look (well, sure every now and then I wish I had a better build, a better haircut, or whatever, but I suppose everyone thinks that once in a while, and change is good too).. It's like a ... social thing. Like, in school where you have these cliques and social status or whatever... It's more like that... but different.. MMmmmm like "Who would want to be with me?" . . It's a self-worth thing. Yeah. I have a thing with belittling my accomplishments, my strengths, etc, and only looking at the bad things in me. Makes me feel like I'm "not in league".

Well, all that, and fear of rejection.

2002-09-14 12:56:40 ET

take all that. add it on to mine...and you get me. in a nutshell

2002-09-14 13:18:45 ET

No, this is you in a nutshell : "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get in here!? Someone, please help!"

I know, I know, not funny. :/

2002-09-14 13:45:41 ET

it is funny actually. wasn't that from austin powers though?

2002-09-14 13:46:38 ET

yeah, of course.

2002-09-14 13:48:36 ET

hehe...I love those movies.

2002-09-14 13:49:39 ET

yup. Same 'ere.

2002-09-14 13:50:45 ET

I hope you don't mind I used your entry title for my msn s/n...

2002-09-14 13:58:38 ET

my what for your what?

2002-09-14 14:00:02 ET

i used your entry title for this entry as my msn screen name

2002-09-14 14:04:21 ET

Uhh, s'okay, it's not mine. Ask Assemblage 23 for the rights. :)

Kinda long, though, isn't it?

2002-09-14 14:06:40 ET

long for my name?

2002-09-14 14:17:00 ET

yup.

2002-09-14 14:18:37 ET

nope actually. it fits just fine with some space left over for more

2002-09-14 14:21:46 ET

uhh. k. (*weird gaze*)

2002-09-14 14:22:31 ET

*lick*

2002-09-14 14:22:34 ET

so what exactly are u using "Everytime I close my eyes, the noise inside me amplifies" for?

2002-09-14 14:23:00 ET

msn messenger...

2002-09-14 14:23:31 ET

i`m sorry.

2002-09-14 14:25:16 ET

I know you are.

2002-09-14 14:26:55 ET

i dont think that *this* helps

2002-09-14 14:29:17 ET

huh?

2002-09-14 14:32:18 ET

that knowing that you are

2002-09-14 14:34:03 ET

I am... Confused.

2002-09-14 14:34:38 ET

hmm?

2002-09-14 14:35:22 ET

That's my line. Uhm, you wanna call me or sumfin'?

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