2002-09-30 04:05:28 ET|
So uhm, tuff is going on.
I think I might be losing my mind.
I don't know what day it is. I don't remember anything. I haven't been sleeping well. I don't even consume too much drugs. Ho well, this must be the system shock of being released from the gritty grasps of the Israeli Defense Force. I know I got lottsa stuff to do (lucky I wrote them down), but really, I can't see myself leaving the house anytime soon (plus, my car's in the garage).
I saw my cute little cousin Saterday (did I write about this already? Agh. My brain is being eaten by little uhh brain-worms. yes.). I noticed she kept fiddling with her nose, so I jokingly asked her if she was snorting coke again (tsk tsk tsk ;) ). So she took me outside, and showed me her septum piercing. That's soo cute! She didn't even tell her brother she did one. She's hiding it from my uncle and aunt (she say's they just might kill her - and rightfully so, I might add, she's bloody 14 years old). Heh. I felt like the cool cousin who you can share secrets with. Neat! :) She also asked me to get her My Dying Bride CD from Europe (hopefully I'll have time in London to go to Ressurection records in Camden Town.., if not, then maybe in Amsterdam I'll find someplace). She's so cool, I love her. Only thing that pisses me off is that she hitchhikes. I know, I know, I useda hitchhike too when I was her age (and later ages too), but for fuck's sake, it's fucking dangerous out there. Not to mention my own personal life's trauma. I spoke of this with my sister, and she also immidoetly thought of Noa Eyal. She was brutally raped and murdered 5 years ago (wow, I can't believe it's been this long), after hitching a ride. Never found the guy.
This is one of those issues that keeps turning up in my life, as if it's constantly under the surface, just waiting for the right oppurtunity to rise again. It's one of those things that changes your outlook on everything.. You don't even notice, but it's affected everything in my life. My maturity, my cynicism, my initial disposition in relationships with women, (my fear of getting close to women), my anxiety of violent/aggressive or even assertive situations (I used to never have a problem with that), and ultimately, my avoidance. I'm not saying it defined who I am, but it certainly influenced or acted as a catalyst.
Once I start talking about this I really can't stop, can I? Fuck it. Fuck my life. I'm going to eat some cereal now, goddamnit.