2002-11-02 13:34:34 ET|
Woke up today exceptionally late. I had no will to leave bed. Last night's Funker Vogt special party blew me away, I got back home around 6:30 and my feet were sore all morning...
Just about when I did finally wake up, Noa called, and suggested we go to Liron and Hertzeliya for coffee n' stuff, so we ended up at Liron's place, socializing. Thta was all good and fun (pop rocks!! yesss!) but on the way back I drove Noa, and we started talking about the emptiness we've both been feeling in our lives recently... Kinda "Is this all there is?" . . Got me kinda sad. I mean, I have a decent social life, I know a helluva lot of people n' all... I have friends. But it's like... Err.. (feeling all emo) That's it? Going to a party, coming back home, going for coffee.. blah blah blah. The routine is killing me. It's strange. I've always been a free-spirited individualist kinda guy, when I was a kid I'd always dream of freedom-before-happiness . . But when finally I go free, it's like.. I'm scared. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm also having a really long block in my artwork. I dunno. I need to meet new people. It all relates to the same thing.. I feel.. lacking, inside. Like there's a big hole in my guts that won't fill with this shell I've built... I've been thinking I need to be in a relationship. I know this kind of thinking is bad, and leads to nothing... But I wanna fill this hole so bad... This girl once told me that in order to be able to be with someone, you first have to be able to be with yourself.. It's so very true. I can't count on other people to fill my emptiness.
Life is pain. (At least I know I'm alive). I don't know why I feel so blue... . I think a good analogy would be the vague, lingering pain I feel from my industrial piercing while it's still healing.. This .. Emptiness .. It's like that. It's always there, even if I'm not actively sad, like I am now, it's always in the background. It's like there's a whole world of emotions waiting to burst from this big Pandora's box. I'm just scratching the surface, now, I know it. I'm really scared of allowing myself to indulge.. To.. To look deep inside myself.. The pain that could release could send me overboard, I'm really frightened... But I feel like I'm also cheating myself .. Out of dealing with my pain, and of being able to solve this.. Misery. I think there's a whole part of me I don't allow myself to show, or even acknowledge. I'm suddenly thinking it may have a lot to do with my avoidant tendencies...