I need love
2002-11-02 13:34:34 ET

Woke up today exceptionally late. I had no will to leave bed. Last night's Funker Vogt special party blew me away, I got back home around 6:30 and my feet were sore all morning...

Just about when I did finally wake up, Noa called, and suggested we go to Liron and Hertzeliya for coffee n' stuff, so we ended up at Liron's place, socializing. Thta was all good and fun (pop rocks!! yesss!) but on the way back I drove Noa, and we started talking about the emptiness we've both been feeling in our lives recently... Kinda "Is this all there is?" . . Got me kinda sad. I mean, I have a decent social life, I know a helluva lot of people n' all... I have friends. But it's like... Err.. (feeling all emo) That's it? Going to a party, coming back home, going for coffee.. blah blah blah. The routine is killing me. It's strange. I've always been a free-spirited individualist kinda guy, when I was a kid I'd always dream of freedom-before-happiness . . But when finally I go free, it's like.. I'm scared. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm also having a really long block in my artwork. I dunno. I need to meet new people. It all relates to the same thing.. I feel.. lacking, inside. Like there's a big hole in my guts that won't fill with this shell I've built... I've been thinking I need to be in a relationship. I know this kind of thinking is bad, and leads to nothing... But I wanna fill this hole so bad... This girl once told me that in order to be able to be with someone, you first have to be able to be with yourself.. It's so very true. I can't count on other people to fill my emptiness.
And yet...


Life is pain. (At least I know I'm alive). I don't know why I feel so blue... . I think a good analogy would be the vague, lingering pain I feel from my industrial piercing while it's still healing.. This .. Emptiness .. It's like that. It's always there, even if I'm not actively sad, like I am now, it's always in the background. It's like there's a whole world of emotions waiting to burst from this big Pandora's box. I'm just scratching the surface, now, I know it. I'm really scared of allowing myself to indulge.. To.. To look deep inside myself.. The pain that could release could send me overboard, I'm really frightened... But I feel like I'm also cheating myself .. Out of dealing with my pain, and of being able to solve this.. Misery. I think there's a whole part of me I don't allow myself to show, or even acknowledge. I'm suddenly thinking it may have a lot to do with my avoidant tendencies...


2002-11-02 13:40:18 ET

I'm sorry sweetie. I know what you're feeling all too well...the things I've found that help are if you just go out and do random things. step away from your routine and do something new. put yourself out there. busy yourself with things. spend some time with just yourself. take a step back. then go back into NEW things. don't go back to your old routine.

2002-11-02 13:45:23 ET

Yeah.. See the funny thing is, by the end of my service, I really hated the army... I couldn't stand it there anymore, but in a way.. It filled my days. Gave me purpose. Right now, that nothing fills my days, I just sleep a lot and go out and drink coffee...

2002-11-02 13:51:26 ET

that's why you need to do something else. get up and actually DO something...

2002-11-02 13:54:08 ET

I know I do. I gotta meet new people. But it can't be always like this.. For fuck's sake, I just got back from 3 weeks of sightseeing, hiking and fun. ..

2002-11-02 14:01:14 ET

well....here's what cha do....(this is my advice...you don't have to follow it) don't sleep all the time but when you are up...take that time for yourself for a few days. don't really get in any deep conversations or anything for a while. then....when you just can't take it anymore, go out and do something that you haven't done for a while/never done. pick up some random people before calling them then do something fun. something you really want to do....something away from your routine. this is my advice....you don't have to take it...but this is just what I do when I feel down from time to time...

2002-11-02 14:04:28 ET

It's good advice... But I don't even know what's fun anymore.. Doing random shit is always good. I useda be more like that... I hardly ever surprise myself anymore..

I think i'm becoming a bore. I hate that. I need to be more spontanious.. More edgy. Take risks. I don't even know who I am..

2002-11-02 14:06:53 ET

tell one of your friends about this. maybe they do some 'random shit' with you. take you out one day without you knowing before hand

2002-11-02 14:08:30 ET

mmmmm... I dunno. *sigh*

2002-11-02 14:12:11 ET

dont be so quick to lable yourself shay. you have great potential, youre just stuck on ideas. if edginess is something you think you need, look at some edgy people, see who they are, and where it got them. if its something you strive to have, then by ALL MEANS! GO DO IT!!! you only live once, and you should live it to whatever the highest (or lowest) standard you set for yourself!
as for knowing yourself, I think thats something youre going to have to look into deep within yourself. sounds to me that you probably have a bit of stress, no worries, we all have it. take some time off, clear your head, and take a look at what really makes you tick. if anyone will be able to find it, it should be you.

2002-11-02 14:12:12 ET

*hugs* I hope you feel better

2002-11-02 14:17:09 ET

Thanks guys. *sniff*

Thing is, Drake, I'm kinda spooked from looking inside myself.. I don't know if I wanna know myself. I'm scared I'll start crying and never stop. There is so much shit buried deep inside, stuff I've never dealt with, and simply chose to keep on living, and sort of... repress these feelings. I used to be a much more emotional person than I am now... I'm in a rare outburst of emo.. And look how I'm feeling? Like shit. I've become a cold, rational-analytical type.. At least on the exterior.

2002-11-02 14:21:18 ET

let those feelings out...its not good to keep that inside. cry all you want...but let them out. you're gonna go nuts if you stay like this for too long...

2002-11-02 14:21:46 ET

whenever we are sad, we listen to dead milkmen. you try it too!
"...you know that it would be untrue
you know that i would be a liar
if i were to say to you i didn't set your house on fire
but it's just the way i am you'll have to take it for a fact life can really burn you up when you're a pyromaniac if you love somebody better set them on fire"

[i`m still unhappy.bah]

2002-11-02 14:23:58 ET

Sorry shay. I know you must have alot of emotions bottled up inside. its not good to do that, but sometimes its the only way we know how to cope, and heal with different subjects whatever they may be. youre not wrong to do that, you are just affected with different happenings. im here if you ever wanna go emo, and my aim is always open to those especially emo days.
no worries, we all get this way, some people more than others, sometimes its best not to keep it all pent up and take it out on yourself. that accomplishes nothing but making you hate it more.

therapists deal in "coping" but the only thing they ever really do is over medicate and perscribe a false theory. the real therapist is you, and facing inner deamons.
- quoted from a vietnam vet i heard on cnn one night

2002-11-02 14:24:01 ET

yeah...sad music helps.....let's you cry. get all the emotion out. go to sleep....you'll feel a little better the next day...

2002-11-02 14:24:05 ET

*sigh* thanks, Noa. *virtua-hug(c)*

2002-11-02 14:29:15 ET

Hmmm... It's gonna be one of those nights, I stare blankly at the celiling in my room, and think. A lot. A shmillion thoughts cross my mind. (Oh, yes, you heard me right. A SHMILLION. Think about it).

2002-11-02 14:31:38 ET

shmillion? lol that's great stuff....sorry.....*stops laughing and clears throat* this isn't the time for that huh?

2002-11-02 14:32:44 ET

why not? made me giggle, too.

2002-11-02 14:34:04 ET

shmillion....*hushes her giggles*

2002-11-02 14:36:16 ET

There comes this.. moment, every time I'm sad, when I just think to myself "Oh, fuck it Shay, you're so full of shit. There's nothing wrong with you. Admit it! Stop being such a whiny bastard and go do something with yourself, you worthless sack of toad-vomit." Or something to that extent... I think I've kinda arrived at that part.. I mean, I keep thinking, fuck there are so many more people with REAL problems, who actually have a right to be miserable. I'm talking like, the blind, handicapped, that sorta shit. What am I being such a pussy about? Cause life isn't as good as it's cut out be, right now, from my current perspective? Fuckit. Most probably I need to change perspective.

This is rational-Shay taking over again...

2002-11-02 14:44:10 ET

i dont think theres any place where its written that says that people without handicaps cant be just as miserable as people WITH them.

(welcome back rational shay)

2002-11-02 14:49:21 ET

I say.....TO HELL WITH IT ALL!!! muahahahahaha!..heh.....I'm just........*shies away* stupid.....I'll shut up now......*starts banging head against a wall*

2002-11-02 15:07:31 ET

*sigh* again, yep. To hell with it all, indeed.

2002-11-02 20:27:45 ET

it's something in the air i tell ya'... everybody i know (including myself) has been depressed lately... i feel that emptiness too... i wish i had a good advice for you... i agree with that girl and the rest of the people here that told you to get to know yourself before getting into a relationship. you need to find your goal in life... i think it's great that you get to go out a lot ('cause i've been dying to do that but i can't because i'm only 20...) and you should have fun now that you're not in the army anymore, but start thinking about your expectations from life... maybe you're just confused...

2002-11-03 08:07:42 ET

"Confused". Yeah. It is weird though, lottsa people I know are kinda blue, too.. And for the same reasons. We're all crawling up the walls, looking for something to make the time go by...*sigh* I just came back from vacation, damnit, I can't be wanting to go again...

2002-11-03 09:12:27 ET

life wasn't made for enjoyment. we put that in there. if its getting hard to find that...then I guess its time to see some new scenery

2002-11-03 10:37:25 ET


2002-11-04 00:12:49 ET

I just wanted to extend my belated support Shay! I read that your rational ("non-emo") self is back.;) I truly hope you are feeling better! I know I've been in periods of emotion that sound similar to what you've been going though. I think all the advice I would have extended was said by others. Keep your head up hunny....and sometimes it can be the most seemingly trivial things that can make one feel better. Even going to a park (or some grassy area) and lying down to stare up at the sky...finding different shapes in the clouds. I've done this many times (when I'm most fed up w/ life). Gennerally in some shopping center,in the parking lot, where there is a little mound of grass and a tree surrounded by cement. People walk by and some make commentary that strikes up a convo that makes you feel better.....or no one says anything but the situation seems out of the ordinary...and somehow humorous. Hmmmmmm....sorry I rambling...it works for me...but then again I tend to have a sort of lunatic sense on humour.

2002-11-04 08:30:36 ET

It sounds like fun, actually. I went for a long walk, but in this godforsaken place, there was nobody outside. NOBODY. Fucking hate the suburbs.

2002-11-04 10:37:18 ET

Well then, when you come and visit one of these days that will be the first thing we go and do!:P

2002-11-05 07:16:26 ET

Muhahaha... I'm gonna crash over at sk.neters all across the US! bwahah!!

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