2003-01-06 01:37:05 ET|
So, what's been going on?
I haven't the will to digress, but on Friday I met a girl. The girl I spoke to on New Years Eve.
No, it isn't the girl I kissed, or the girl I spoke of on my last post.
It's always like that. I keep thinking it's only in my twisted brain, but the angels of love are not lacking in irony, it seems. It's either you live in a barren wasteland, or a thick rainforest. Too many options make my tummy go all wrong, and no options make me sad, too.
But I think I like her. I was all nervous-anxious-shy-self-conscious Shay when we spoke, and I practically ran away every chance I could, but there was no denying the electricity in the air between us. I was mummbling bullshit as usual. I hate chitchat. I spoke about this with my mate Ariel yesterday (who as God is my witness, will be an sk.net member by the end of the week), and we were both like "Fuck, why can't we first have sex, and then get to know eachother?"
Sex is the best icebreaker. I feel so.. Shy... Avoidant when I'm with a girl, before we have sex. It's like, it's all a big test or something. Like I'm not sure if she likes me yet.
After sex, you can have the most comfortable talks, none of that dating-game babble. I'm so bad at that. *thinking of blank air in midst conversation makes me want to escape*.
I hate wearing masks. I generally don't feel comfortable with a girl untill we've slept together. I don't why, it's just how I am, I guess.
UGH. Anyway, so I spoke with her (briefly) yesterday and stuff. Seems I'll be going to the City Hall in Haifa this friday (she lives in Haifa) ;)
Now, what do I do with this other girl who insisted I give her a ring? I don't think I can do the polygmy thing. I don't think I want to, even if I could manage it (and I think it would make me sick to my stomach - - I have too much anxiety in my life as it is, and I think it sort of clashes with my morals [yeah, those]).
Hmm. I'm going with the Haifa girl, definately. I have a stronger feeling from her that she really wants me (obviously a bad judge of character on her part). It's been so long since someone actually wanted me..
Anyway, besides all that soap opera crap, things are starting to feel brighter.
No, I haven't been sleeping or anything, but I spent a few hours with Ariel yesterday, and we talked a lot. I really missed him, and I feel like we've both made some progress. New Years Resoloutions. yeah. Live more in the Now. Stop living in the future (or the past). Be a little more spontanious. Do things that are good for ME, my person. Sign up for art classes. Maybe go to the gym a bit too, or at least work out at home some more. Play my bass guitar some more. Find the things that do good by ME, and put some effort in it. Don't live for other people. Self-promotion, and self-development are te key issues right now. So yeah, we've finished school, finished the army, got a job, and now we have to find something that will make us whole persons again. Fill ourselves with content, purpose, meaning, goals, achievements, aspirations. Get to know who we are, now, as adults.
I'm mumbling again.
:: Listening to BlutEngel - Seelenschmerz ::