Okay, time to update.
2003-01-06 01:37:05 ET

So, what's been going on?

I haven't the will to digress, but on Friday I met a girl. The girl I spoke to on New Years Eve.

No, it isn't the girl I kissed, or the girl I spoke of on my last post.

It's always like that. I keep thinking it's only in my twisted brain, but the angels of love are not lacking in irony, it seems. It's either you live in a barren wasteland, or a thick rainforest. Too many options make my tummy go all wrong, and no options make me sad, too.

But I think I like her. I was all nervous-anxious-shy-self-conscious Shay when we spoke, and I practically ran away every chance I could, but there was no denying the electricity in the air between us. I was mummbling bullshit as usual. I hate chitchat. I spoke about this with my mate Ariel yesterday (who as God is my witness, will be an sk.net member by the end of the week), and we were both like "Fuck, why can't we first have sex, and then get to know eachother?"

Sex is the best icebreaker. I feel so.. Shy... Avoidant when I'm with a girl, before we have sex. It's like, it's all a big test or something. Like I'm not sure if she likes me yet.
After sex, you can have the most comfortable talks, none of that dating-game babble. I'm so bad at that. *thinking of blank air in midst conversation makes me want to escape*.
I hate wearing masks. I generally don't feel comfortable with a girl untill we've slept together. I don't why, it's just how I am, I guess.

UGH. Anyway, so I spoke with her (briefly) yesterday and stuff. Seems I'll be going to the City Hall in Haifa this friday (she lives in Haifa) ;)

Now, what do I do with this other girl who insisted I give her a ring? I don't think I can do the polygmy thing. I don't think I want to, even if I could manage it (and I think it would make me sick to my stomach - - I have too much anxiety in my life as it is, and I think it sort of clashes with my morals [yeah, those]).

Hmm. I'm going with the Haifa girl, definately. I have a stronger feeling from her that she really wants me (obviously a bad judge of character on her part). It's been so long since someone actually wanted me..

Anyway, besides all that soap opera crap, things are starting to feel brighter.
No, I haven't been sleeping or anything, but I spent a few hours with Ariel yesterday, and we talked a lot. I really missed him, and I feel like we've both made some progress. New Years Resoloutions. yeah. Live more in the Now. Stop living in the future (or the past). Be a little more spontanious. Do things that are good for ME, my person. Sign up for art classes. Maybe go to the gym a bit too, or at least work out at home some more. Play my bass guitar some more. Find the things that do good by ME, and put some effort in it. Don't live for other people. Self-promotion, and self-development are te key issues right now. So yeah, we've finished school, finished the army, got a job, and now we have to find something that will make us whole persons again. Fill ourselves with content, purpose, meaning, goals, achievements, aspirations. Get to know who we are, now, as adults.

I'm mumbling again.

:: Listening to BlutEngel - Seelenschmerz ::

2003-01-06 01:54:09 ET

very well

2003-01-06 03:22:06 ET

you usually have to trust your gut on these matters....

2003-01-06 03:24:56 ET


and sometimes your spleen, should your gut fail you...

2003-01-06 03:42:47 ET

nahh, the spleen lies....now the lungs, on the other hand

2003-01-06 03:44:55 ET

well...if you say so...

2003-01-06 04:49:48 ET

Naw, you're not mumbling...you need to wax some more philosophy all the time, rather than talking about all them hoes you want to bone (heh heh).

2003-01-06 05:00:18 ET

I think that your description of the pain shared between two people who want to communicate desperately, but aren't yet in the COMFORT zone is very poignant. I'm rarely at a loss for words, but I dislike polluting the air with mindless chatter. I've often met someone really special, and been able to think of something worthwhile to say.
I'm sure she feels it too - and I agree about the sex thing as well. While it may seem backwards, sex breaks down the formality barrier; it makes it easier to be yourself.
Good luck~!

2003-01-06 08:36:39 ET

i'm so happy for you!!! i told you you'll find someone! ;) you deserve to be happy, and i think it's good to have some more ambitions and goals in life. i kind of agree with you on the "sex to break the ice" but in my case (and i think i'm speaking in the name of many girls too) it's hard having sex with a guy that you barely know. i'm very shy, it takes a lot for me to just take of my clothes and be naked around someone that i don't know very well. i have low self esteem, and i'm not confident enough... i need to feel that i can trust the guy... being naked is being vulnerable for me. and then there's the whole "performance anxiety" when you have sex with someone for the first time. usually, the first time kinda sucks, but then it's like there are no barriers anymore, and that's when the sex gets REALLY good.

2003-01-06 10:03:01 ET

Lars - I actually have a warm spot for my liver, he's been good to me (despite the abuse - i.e. I'm goin now to the pubs)

Cartoonbabe - My lungs can barely hold enough air for me *gasp* I wouldn't trust em' fer shite.

PrattLila - Well, yeah, I can always bullshit about life ;)

Storm - Thanks! Good to know I'm not alone in the world... Everything is so backwards, when it comes to relationships. *sigh* Lrod knows how normal people get together at all. It's all a cultural thing, though. I think I'd like being old fashioned. In the old days, if I wanted you, I'd either go to your dad/brother and give them a goat, or I'd bash you on the head with a large piece of wood yelling "booga-booga!", there, you're mine.

Maya - Thanks hon! I spoke to Liron (sk.net/ladyorion) about this, and she said the exact same thing - that at least for her (and I'm assuming a lot of girls) the discomfort is greater the other way round. I can understand that. While I'm totally self conscious, reserved and whatnot before sex, once we're goin at it, I'm not ashamed being naked, or afraid my performance won't do... Well, obviously there is some anxiety, but I'm not the kinda guy who fucks just to come. . . .
Anyway, I know where you're coming from with that, just know that us normal shy guys work the other way round.

I want this barrier out of the way already...

I wish our culture wouldn't have so many restraints on the whole issue... It's like, there's no romance in the world, and people don't talk enough about sex (not even the basic "is this at all pleasant for you?")... And people don't laugh about it, there's too many social barriers... I mean, fuck, sex is funny. Why can't people just be more open about it? It's as if there's something wrong with sex, like you're being bad or something, so you don't talk about it.

Ugh. I need to change the world, I don't belong here.

2003-01-06 10:05:33 ET

you belong here just as the rest of us do-and there is something to be said about bribing the family patriarch with goats or other livestock :)

2003-01-06 21:05:20 ET

yeah man, thats what always happens to me, but you just have to choose one, if you overdo, you end up with more than just weird tummy ache :(
right now I am at the right after the choice stage, and well I feel great and the girlie is just great, you can see her in my gallery btw.
gotta agree about the sex part thing too ;)

2003-01-06 22:23:25 ET

you know, i talked with our dear friend sheqse theother day and i said the same thing about sex being the bast ice breaker. he said that he wishes that were more girls like me ("just i wish that they were less fucked-up")

good luck anyway, if you want i can come and give you mental support ^_^

2003-01-07 01:19:57 ET

Cartoonbabe - Heh heh. I'm just an old fashinoed guy *makes virign sacrifice*

Dima - Ooo, she's cute. I'm glad things are looknig bright for you..

Noa - :)) Support would be cool. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure what'll be going on between us.. I mean, is it, like, a date? Anywhichway, I don't think I'll be spending the night over or anything, so I figure it'd could be cool. Anyway, Elad needs to tell us if we'll be able to get in there at all..
If not, I might join you at the Dungeon or something..

2003-01-07 03:20:36 ET

thanks :)

2003-01-07 05:42:03 ET

what, no promiscuous hussy sacrifice this week
Olorin~I did get a glimpse of your gf...she's very pretty :)

2003-01-07 06:56:31 ET

;) you implying somethin'?

2003-01-07 07:49:08 ET

not me :P </all innocence>

2003-01-07 08:02:26 ET


2003-01-07 19:32:23 ET

if i can get out of thoe house by friday

2003-01-07 20:58:22 ET

Cartoon: thanks :) my taste has never failed me ;)))

2003-01-08 02:31:43 ET

Noa - Yeah, I hope you feel better by then :((( Anyway, I think I'm definately going ("think I'm defeinately".. that's rich).

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