Well today I went out job hunting. I dropped off a dozen or more applications. Then came home slept and got online.
I came onto SK first to check on my account. As I was a SK memebers name caught my eye and I looked into the page. As I sat reading this persons thoughts it triggered some memories I didn't want to have...
I don't know, maybe this is just my way of venting. Letting it out to people who don't really know me. It seems easier that way.
I'm 25 soon to be 26. Up until afew months ago I was living with a woman name Cristalis. We had originally wanted to be married. Things as they always do happen. We never had alot of money, things, or time together. I was working as a Supervisor and Field manager of sorts for the company. And that required me to work alot. Sometimes I'd only be home for 3 or 4 hours at a time.
I came home one day to find that Cristalis was in the bathroom crying. I hadn't been home in nearly a week by now. Of course being concerned I asked her what the matter was... You really never feel the force of a death until days later. And you never expect it either.
As she cried she hugged me and told me that she had been in the hospital. That didn't bother me so much since we both at that time had been alot due to injuries, illness, and so on. But she told me that she had been hidding the fact she had carrying my child for the last 3+ months. That the night I left she miscarried. I blew up like living fire. It's how I felt. It's all I could do from dying. I asked why she never told me about the baby or when it happend. That I didn't need to leave her alone for a whole week! (7day and 8 nights) She just cried and said sorry over and over. She even showed me the papers she had from the doctor. So for the next year I worked more, hated more, tried to make her happier more.
I was guilt riden. I felt it was my fault she suffered in silence. So I worked myself into hell to get use things she wanted.
Are supplies, clothing, toys, books, movies, whatever she wanted if I could get it I tried to get it.
One day I lost my job because I couldn't handle two things anymore.
One was her constantly telling me she was lonely. That even if I tried to get her to see family, friends, myself, or anyone that it wasn't enough. And secondly I couldn't handle the company. I had become their damn lapdog. Working everysite that needed someone. Agreeing with bad idea's just to keep a job. Putting my officers in risk or danger because the managers couldn't understand what was coming out of my mouth.
From the night I quit to the morning I left for Tennessee I begged her to come with me. That if we had we could live in the truck for awhile until we got jobs and worked things out, if we had too. But she didn't come. And after I got here she called and said she wanted to come to be with me that she was wrong in own way. I got a crappy job with Wal-mart 80 hour biweekly checks at 7.20 an hour. I fucked up my legs to get us the money. She kept rushing me about the money, about an apartment, and everything. Until I got to the point I had to ask her why she just didn't come with me in the first place... She said she thought that I didn't really want her there. She "read it" in my mannerisims. That and she felt that she really at the time didn't think she wanted to marry me. But now she did after her family started to bother her.
I don't know how I was supposed to take that last bit. But I felt cold, icy, and damned. I don't remember thinking about it. I can't remember why I said it. But I asked her not call anymore. To stop trying. But as I told her this I felt every injury, every bad night, and every problem I had crush me more. My family and friends tell me that they'd do the same if their loved ones had say some of the things she said to me that last time on the phone.
I don't know though. I feel so old now. So tried all the time. But I keep going. And I am deathly afraid of myself, women (in a weird way), and anything ever carrying my blood.
Sorry for the long page...
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