2004-08-13 07:27:23 ET

Watching Devil's Advocate, and realized how much I love this quote:

"Love? Overrated! Biochemically no different than eating mass amounts of chocolate."

Realizing things about yourself sucks sometimes. Realizing things like the fact that you're an asshole at heart. I manipulate and lie to get what I want when I want. And jealousy is awful. I'm a horribly jealous person. I see happiness, and when I don't have it, I want to destroy it and make others miserable. That's normal though isn't it? Reminds me of the matrix. Agents are so badass. "Only human" rings throughout my mind.

What a sad species we are. Thriving upon death, and suffering without companionship. Jealousy and greed. But then again, I love it. I love hearing that someone is 'sorry for me' or whatever. It just makes you feel like someone cares, even though we're all alone in the end.

I'm rambling, I know it. But I got bored with life a long long time ago. I think I was six or so. Yeah, that sounds about right. I remember realizing nothing mattered, and I could simply do whatever I felt like. So I stopped caring, I stopped loving, and I stopped thinking about the future. I couldn't make myself care for my family now if I tried. They're tools. Only useful until they can't give me anything else. That's a horrible thing to say, isn't it? But it's how I've felt for so long it would be impossible to change.

Rivetangel, you're right. I should take a picture with my hair down. It's quite beautiful. I'm beautiful. Ahh the power of vanity. Maybe in some desperate attempt to make up for my self esteem that I lost almost ten years ago. Heh, I still remember the day my friend told me I should let my hair grow out long. It feels like ages ago.

Strange, all this came from reading one of the comments in my journal. Rivet, you surely know how to make me happy, and then in the next sentence make me think about the joys of strangling someone. I've had an interesting reaction to your words. I don't know if it's bad or good. Or neither. I suppose it just is.

You know, it's a sad thing to realize the state your in. That you honestly lack compassion for others for you realize that if you expend energy on anyone but yourself, you'll simply fall apart. Living like that is horrible. I remember being in class a few months back, and one of my fellow students got in a car wreck and died. It was announced by Dr. Knot, and I blurted out "Oh darn, one down six billion more to go." without even thinking. And sadly enough, that's how I felt. It's even worse to realize this was all a conscious effort on your part to avoid being hurt in the future. 'killing your emotions' I wish I hadn't. I wish I had been homeschooled and this never would have happened. I want to return to that. I want to be able to really care for another again. But I can't.. I can't make myself do it.

How pathetic. Writing this has me in tears. This wasn't supposed to happen. Emotions.. bah. bad....very horrible.

Holy gods, this has gone on way too long. I'll shut up now, and stop wasting time with my inane ramblings. Good bye.

2004-08-13 07:34:17 ET

mmmmm sociopathic.....

seek help

2004-08-13 09:07:45 ET

Help? Hah. Help comes from yourself. Others don't help you, they laugh at you, and tell you not to talk about your problems because everyone is sick of hearing about it. *smirk*

2004-08-13 09:21:12 ET

Thats why you hire a professional to smile and nod and say "helpful things"

2004-08-13 09:24:08 ET

Been there, done that route. Several times. I don't open to them, and usually get sent to a mental institution for it. Then I sit there for days on end, wanting to leave, and nobody ever really talks to me. I just sit there.. endlessly thinking about the misery.

2004-08-13 09:27:07 ET

blah. people suck

2004-08-13 13:00:12 ET

yes people suck...mass murders need to happen, and i am very sorry that you are in that spot...i used to cut off all emotion, but i found a way back from that. i found a way out of the freezing cold i made my soul. if you look hard enough there is always a path out...

2004-08-13 14:12:10 ET

I've got most of it I think? Just when I see others having things I don't, I flip out and write longwinded depressed sounding things like all this lately. Yeah, today was bad.

2004-08-13 14:50:14 ET

well i'm sorry for that hon*hugs*
someday's are way worse than others...

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