English essay.
2004-11-16 15:51:50 ET

This was the English essay I turned in a couple of days.

Surely somewhere, there’s a reasonable explanation for everything. This is what we tell ourselves to ease our feeble human minds. Throughout this chaotic information age, we are bombarded with so much meaningless and stressful information that it has become almost impossible to discern any meaning from it all. Who was responsible for the anthrax scare in late 2001? Who will the next President be? And just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? All of these questions seem so urgent, yet so pointless at the same time.

According to the AIS, or American Institute of Stress, stress has been said to be the number one health problem in America. Also, according to a survey in a prevention magazine in 1996, almost 75% of people polled claimed they suffered from great stress at least once a week. So what causes all of this stress? Stress has been linked to a variety of things: problems in the workplace, money issues, family difficulties, and many other things we face daily.

Within the past decade, it is impossible to guess how many articles have been written in magazines, or how many web pages have been put online dedicated to helping people relieve themselves of stress. Despite all the billions of suggestions to help people with stress, we continue to live in a society filled with crazed terrorists, bad movies, religious fanatics, stupid people, gang wars, street crime, those damned pieces of popcorn that get stuck between your teeth, and the word of the day: stress.

Apparently, with the most advanced technology, the strongest military, and some of the brightest minds in the world, we Americans are still worrying about quitting smoking, getting rich quick, and the three pounds you gained on that summer vacation. Obviously, all that American ingenuity and perfection isn’t what we’ve been telling ourselves for the past century.

Until now, people have had to continue going to work, dealing with the threat of terrorists, worrying about the safety of their homes, and going to these large buildings dedicated to furthering the education of America’s youth called schools. However, being the hero that I am, I have finally conceived the ultimate solution for all of the problems that plague the human race. No longer shall people have to suffer. No longer shall people fear the looming threat of World War 3. And no longer shall young people fear the loss of social security due to incompetence and poor money management.

At this point, you may be wondering what this miracle solution may be. Numerous questions may be running through your head such as: “Hey, where can I get this?” or “Boy that sounds great, how much does it cost?” Surprisingly, the answer is simpler than many would think: Who gives a shit, or WHO-G.A.S for short. This handy phrase is a guaranteed winner, and an almost 1000% rest assured way to handle most situations in life. Just think about all the possibilities! “Oh no! Terrorists are attacking Washington! Oh wait, who gives a shit?” Got fired from work? Or your child is failing out of college? Who gives a shit?

Each year, millions of dollars are spent frivolously on non-important things such as education, national defense, hospitals, fire departments, police departments, food, and who knows how many others. With WHO-G.A.S, all of these useless organizations could be shut down. Just imagine how much money would be saved if the public school system were to be shut down. Never-mind America’s youth growing up to be incompetent, who really cares? Each year, hospitals save countless lives. In reality, these people only to suck up the natural resources from the planet. In the end, these silly people would have died from other causes anyway. Let’s simply shut hospitals down shall we? Better yet, who needs police? Oh, a bank got robbed. Who cares?

The environmental Protection Agency reports that in 2001, there were 1858 landfills across the United States. Finally, we can quit using these disgusting germ ridden areas to throw trash away, and toss all of our garbage out the window. It doesn’t matter that everywhere you’d look, you’d see someone’s trash. Besides, it’s like that anyway isn’t it?

Ultimately, if people were to stop caring, stress would no longer be a concern of the American people. People could finally stop worrying about putting food on the table for their family and concentrate on what’s really important: watching television or playing some repetitive sport. It won’t matter that terrorists will be running freely in the streets and blowing themselves up while taking out half a city block with them. It won’t matter that groups of thugs have gunfights in random alleys. It won’t matter that government officials get kickbacks for voting a certain way in congress. Because in reality, who gives a shit?

2004-11-17 00:54:51 ET

Hehehe, really good. I sure as hell enjoyed reading it :D

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