2006-10-19 15:31:59 ET

i was sitting in the back room today at work, just thinking. then i stood up and said you know what? fuck this. and i left. and I went home where i will be writing resumes and cover letters for the rest of the evening.
i didn't quit or anything. i got the manager's OK, but still. I just can't do it anymore, and I hate myself for requiring this sort of extreme discomfort before i do something about it. but i'll do it now, tonight, and keep doing it until hopefully i one day get something that's worth my time.
i have most of tomorrow off so hopefully my mood will gradually improve.

i've begun to embrace a certain frame of mind once again, where everything and everyone outside of the space that my body displaces is fucking useless, and can fuck off, and the people and things that prove me wrong are what i cherish.

i bought two music dvds yesterday- kill your idols and skinny puppy live 2005. I wanted to see kill your idols because of all the people in it that i admire, but when i first heard about it, the person that saw it mentioned a part where Michael Gira walks up to Lydia Lunch and jams his cock in her fat fucking mouth. I heard that and I was sold. So i was watching it last night, waiting for that one golden moment to happen, and then there it was! Only it wasn't Michael Gira at all, it was ...... Jim Thurwell!!!

But it was a good film, dry heaving aside. it's about the new york no wave scene in the early eighties. the second half is about all the current brooklyn bands in the hipster community that cite them as influences (more dry heaving), like black dice, a.r.e. weapons, liars, the yeah yeah yeahs, gogol bordello, etc. though there was a clear effort on the filmmaker's part to remain objective, all it really took was for these people to open their mouths to reveal how truly dense they are. and how pretentious, shallow and fashion, market and ego driven the whole thing is. embracing irony, because they secretly have absolutely nothing important to express at all. the low point was an interview with the chick from the yeah yeah yeahs. omg, braindead. of all the people interviewed, the guy from gogol bordello was the only person possessing any intelligence (ukrainian, of course). he rocks, and i like him. it ended with all the no wave people cutting into today's scene. which made me happy. i thought i was the only one.
then i watched the skinny puppy video, and it reminded me of the reasons why i hate what they've been doing lately. at this point, they are nothing more than rock stars making bank off of nostalgia. there's a bonus part, which is all home movies of their 1986 and 88 tours, which was very good. this is me falling for the nostalgia. dwayne goettel was fucking hot.
i also bought birth for seven dollars and a book called it happened in boston? about a guy that is losing his mind and sits on a bench in boston commons and time travels. it was written by russel h. greenan in the sixties. its an easy read.
so in summary; things make me angry, and trying to appreciate them is difficult to the point of soulsucking, so i'm reverting back to my old, polar-opposite outlook where i think most things are useless and if you don't like it you can go away. and if you do like it, then maybe i will like you.

2006-10-24 17:55:40 ET

an interesting post. i relate to the section about the people and things that prove you wrong are what you cherish. damn this is a good thing to remember. i want to remember this every day!

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