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2002-11-19 08:44:38 ET been drinking many lattes. so i had 4 cigarettes over the weekend. feh, i am disappointed in myself. but hey, i was out and about and it was so damn tempting. i think i can control myself since i have not had any since. or much of a craving to do so. maybe its one of those things which will gradually be phased out of my life. i've never been one to be so final about anything. i've found that married or involved women are attracted to me. i have absolutely no idea why. maybe because i am non-threatening. maybe in some way i represent stability. maybe that is just the way of women. i'll never understand. but in a way, i like it. its safe for me. its no secret that i was traumatized by my divorce. i fear women. i struggle with it everyday. not knowing if i want to overcome my fears yet. lonliness vs. fear of betrayal. maybe thats why i like clubbing so much. there you can dance with a woman and then walk away. no obligation for more, just an instance, a smile, a small conversation. and then you move on. bite sized relationships. can you run away from something fast enough to be able to catch it eventually? |
