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2003-10-24 16:37:23 ET <bash head in>i really need a place that i can just go to. where no one is there. where its private. cause i absolutely despise home. this feeling has only grown because now i drive. but because i have this small amount of freedom, it just makes things worse. the one freedom is limited. i can't drive anywhere. just to school from home and back again. tonight i'm suppose to go and hang out with brian and some friends. i suddenly don't think i'm in the mood for it. i just feel really shitty. it's leading to other feelings that i've felt for awhile, which is just my default depression. i honestly feel like i'm crazy. i feel really isolated at the same time. i really get the sense that everything is just blank. my outlook on life is horribly depressing at all moments. i should get my portfolio together but because of how i feel about myself it just seems pointless. i don't have the talent and i should just quit school and end up getting some retarded retail job that will make it possible to live. i don't know exactly how i'm suppose to feel right now. i don't know if this is just teenage angst talking, if this is signs of a serious need to get to someone, or if i've become too akward for my life situation. i really just want to grab brian and take off. i don't want to be here anymore. everything that's here is sooooo depressing. alot of things i liked to do have been ruined by people. i certainly don't want to run into them. either. just maybe if i was on my own it would be ok. things that seem wonderfully nice when living by one's self.: prancing in my underwear. singing really loud. being obnoxious. crazy art space. crazy painting. having friends over. not having anyone be anywhere. being able to use MY computer whenever i want. living in a mess if i chosed it. not picking up other peoples clothes. NO random people hair on things. being able to change in any room i pleased without someone bursting in on me. --- you honestly wouldn't believe how many times i've been in my own room and i've had someone walk in while i was putting on my panties. and not in that sexy pizzaman just came to the door and let himself in type of thing. --- doing what ever the fuck i pleased with my face and body. viva la piercings and tattoos. no one rummaging through my things. no one stealing my clothing. no one to bug, annoy, or be assulted by. blah!!! time to seriously get my act together about finding a job. </bashing head> |
